Penthouse Forum Rejected My Letter....

[Buff]

Dear Forum,

I'm a junior at a large Midwestern university. Last month I'm driving back from Spring Break and I've just gotten on the interstate when I see a young woman hitchhiking. Even from afar I can tell she's gorgeous, but as I pull to a stop I see she's a taller, bustier version of the actress Amy Smart. Total knockout. She's wearing this tiny little denim skirt and what I guess is called a halter top. It turns out her name is Charlotte and she's a sophomore at my school. She hops in and we settle back for the long ride back to campus.

She's not in the car two minutes when she starts complaining about how hot she is. She gathers the back of her honey-colored hair and asks me if I'll gently blow on the back of her neck.

"Umm, not while I'm driving," I say, keeping my eye on a Toyota Celica about four cars ahead that seems to be driving erratically. "But there are some moist towelettes in the glove box that are infused with lemon and witch hazel."

"It's just that I'm so hot," she says.

"Well, I'd put on the air conditioner, but it's just...well, once the compressor kicks in, my gas mileage goes to hell. Excuse my language."

"No, that's okay," she says, pulling her top away from her breasts and blowing a stream of air directly down her cleavage. "I like it when it's hot. But when I get hot, I get really wet."

"Well, that's just the body's cooling system," I remind her. "As your sweat evaporates..."

"No, I mean I'm really wet," she interrupts. "Even my panties are soaked."

And with that, she lifts her hips clear of the seat and starts skimming her underwear down her firm, tawny calves. She captures the waistband in her toes and slowly lifts her foot clear of the center console to bring the panties up to my face. (What is she thinking?)

I hold my arm out to arrest the progress of her calf, lest my vision be obstructed by her panties, but it's the garment tag that catches my eye.

"Oh, well here's your problem," I offer. "These are Lycra, a synthetic blend that doesn't wick moisture very well. You should really consider going with natural fibers, like cotton, for all your undergarments. That way, the skin can breathe and you're a lot less prone to yeast infections."

I assume she's heard me, but instead of acknowledging my sound advice, she just reclines her seat and puts her feet up on the dashboard. "Umm, I'm sure that's very comfortable," I caution her, "but I worry that you're inviting a Grade 2 hip fracture in the case of an accident."

"That's okay," she says, opening her legs ever wider. "I'm very limber, if you know what I mean."

Well, unless they've recently changed the definition of limber, of course I know what she means. What a weird question. Is she toying with me or something? "Be that as it may," I say quite firmly, "I think you're seriously underestimating the G forces involved in a collision."

"Trust me, I'm used to having my legs pushed back really, really far." As if to demonstrate, she places both her hands beneath her left calf and lifts her leg up until her toes are touching the headliner. "Look," she commands. "It doesn't hurt at all, not that I mind if it hurts a little."

Well, I don't know if she's aware of it, but at this angle I can see something I don't think she wants me to see, but which a gentleman would never describe. Also, her filthy little toes have left a smudge mark right next to the overhead light. Great. Thanks a lot.

Suddenly, Charlotte makes a big show of clambering between our seats to retrieve something from the backseat. As she reaches for her backpack, her breasts are practically smashed against my face. It's all I can do to lean back against my doorframe, lest she think I'm one of those losers who's always trying to brush up against women when they're in vulnerable positions. Those guys make the rest of us look bad.

She plops back in her seat and pulls a Bing cherry out of a produce bag. I can hear her sucking on the fruit, but my attention is diverted by a giant semi coming up way too fast on my tail.

Just as he starts passing me on the left, she says, "So, Dave, do you wanna take my cherry?"

"Umm...no," I say, glancing at my sideview mirror. "I just brushed my teeth. But thank you."

"Mmmm, that's a shame," she says. "I like to lick the inside, where it's all pink and juicy."

"Yep," I say, keeping an eye on the semi's progress, "and they're also a rich source of anthocyanins, which protect your artery walls."

I briefly flash my headlights, just so the truck driver will know it was safe to merge again into the right lane. It's a courtesy, yes, but I also think truckers like it when we adopt some of their safety protocols.

"Look, I can tie a cherry stem into a bow with my tongue."

"Hey, look at that," I say, genuinely impressed. "I guess if you could figure out a way to wrap packages with your tongue, you'd be all set, huh?"

Well, that's the whole story. Charlotte got out at the next rest stop and caught a ride with some frat guys who seemed kind of iffy to me. But I'll definitely look her up when I get back to school.

--D.S.,

Bloomington, Ind.

[candyflip]

Hitchhiker scenerio. You're probably one of 200 people who submitted the same kind of story. And it probably happens each and every month.

Good story though

[Buff]

Originally posted by candyflip
Hitchhiker scenerio. You're probably one of 200 people who submitted the same kind of story. And it probably happens each and every month.

Good story though

Umm... hmm... did you read it?

[candyflip]

Originally posted by Buff
Umm... hmm... did you read it?

Of course I read it. Sure, it's probably a bit different than any of the other submissions they might have had, but it's still just another "guy picks up hitchhiker story" only in this case...there's no payoff

[EviLGuY]

Originally posted by Buff
Umm... hmm... did you read it?

Doesn't sound like it.

Just goes to show nice guys finish last!

[DR_PHIL]

lol those bastards dont know what they are missing

[Buff]

Originally posted by DR_PHIL
lol those bastards dont know what they are missing

Oh, now you're a fan....

See, no one can hate me for long.

[TheFrog]

Originally posted by Buff
Oh, now you're a fan....

See, no one can hate me for long.

[Donny]

That story made me smile.

[TheDoc]

I don't think I have ever known a guy that damn stupid

[Axeman]

Good story Buff :-)

[Buff]

Thank you thank you!

[Buff]

Still the best story on GFY.

[L-Pink]

They printed my story about rubbing tuna oil on my balls then squaring over my aquarium.

[MattPIVO]

Originally Posted by Buff

"These are Lycra, a synthetic blend that doesn't wick moisture very well. You should really consider going with natural fibers, like cotton, for all your undergarments. That way, the skin can breathe and you're a lot less prone to yeast infections."

This was hilarious

[Spunky]

Buddy is a homo.funny story

[CDSmith]

I have no idea why they denied you, that story rocks.

Penthouse, you have no sense of humor.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

So where did you bury her body?

ADG

[Supz]

now that is funny right there.

[baddog]

I laughed enough that goodgirl asked what was so funny.


Not sure why, but so far she is not seeing the humor. Maybe those Penthouse reviewers are female.

[keysync]

Originally Posted by L-Pink

They printed my story about rubbing tuna oil on my balls then squaring over my aquarium.

Which is probably true

[garce]

Originally Posted by CDSmith

I have no idea why they denied you, that story rocks.

Penthouse, you have no sense of humor.

I could be wrong, but I'm sensing sarcasm... Yes, you are being sarcastic.

I tried to read this story, but its not written in any language that I understand. It looks almost identical to - and yet it is completely unlike - English. Thanks for the effort, though. No, really.

[CDSmith]

Originally Posted by garce

I could be wrong, but I'm sensing sarcasm... Yes, you are being sarcastic.

Not at all. :D

[ruff]

Originally Posted by L-Pink

They printed my story about rubbing tuna oil on my balls then squaring over my aquarium.

I just tried that and it is fucking great!

[JenniDahling]

This thread gets my "friggen awesome" vote for the day.

[u-Bob]

hehe

[Pink Misfit]

lol I liked it.

[Gabriel]

Great story bro and i actually mean it as i am a huge fan of

[Sean]

Originally Posted by baddog

I laughed enough that goodgirl asked what was so funny.


Not sure why, but so far she is not seeing the humor. Maybe those Penthouse reviewers are female.

most of them are

[96ukssob]

would be better if it ended with...

So then a few hours later after I stopped to get gas and some Tums as my IBS was flaring up that day, I'm driving down the back road and see what appears to be a body tied to a tree.

I pull up and notice its Charlotte! I ask "Charlotte, how did this happen? are you ok?" I look around and see three containers of lube and a empty package for an "XXXL Black Vibrating Fist"

"Yes she says, I let them have their way with me, they even stopped at the porn store down the street and we bought toys!" I look at her, confused as if she was on drugs but realize the most of the students at the school I attend, this is their last resort choice and are basically half a brain cell away from being classified as mentally ill.

I help untie her, but she puts up a fight and wants me to beat her with this black vibrating fist, but its no where to be found. I tell her if she shuts her trap, I will, but where is it. She then says "you fuck tard, its in my ass, you have to dig it out."

At that point I realize that she is going to want something more long term, so I tie her back to the tree and tell her I'll be right back, but truthfully, I'm leaving and going to let her be someone else's problem

[Elli]

heheh well done! Thanks for the smile

[Buff]

Still the best story on GFY.

[L-Pink]

Hahaha, they printed the one about me covering my balls in tuna oil then squatting over and dangling them in an aquarium full of fish while jerking off!

[baddog]

Originally Posted by L-Pink

Hahaha, they printed the one about me covering my balls in tuna oil then squatting over and dangling them in an aquarium full of fish while jerking off!

Paste it here.

I laughed at the OP again; forgot it.

[pornmasta]

scenario: paul markham having sex with models

[Fetish Gimp]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

[Simon]

Penthouse Forum Rejected My Letter....

Maybe they've just seen it submitted too many times in the last 9 years or so.
http://www.lasvegasmercury.com/2004/.../23838095.html

But I did again re-reading it.

@bossku69 - I liked your suggestion for the extended ending too.



.

[L-Pink]

Originally Posted by baddog

Paste it here.

I laughed at the OP again; forgot it.

Just kidding, but I did read that exact story about 20 years ago in the forum and have never forgotten it. Repeated it, but never forgotten it. And as sick as this sounds always remember it when I see an aquarium. Even brought it up a few times to "mixed reviews" at restaurants that have a lobster tank.


.

[baddog]

Originally Posted by L-Pink

Just kidding, but I did read that exact story about 20 years ago in the forum and have never forgotten it. Repeated it, but never forgotten it. And as sick as this sounds always remember it when I see an aquarium. Even brought it up a few times to "mixed reviews" at restaurants that have a lobster tank.


.

I guess I never heard it . . . can you summarize?

[CDSmith]

Penthouse filed for Bankruptcy last month. Now I know why.

Denying letters like this.

Idiots!