10 Worst Things About Christmas - Fuck You Edition
10 Worst Things About Christmas - Fuck You Edition
10. More food than you can stuff down your throat; the first fifty bites are awesome - it's those last 350 bites that are the killer.
9. Okay, it's 2:30 in the afternoon: gifts were given, "Merry Christmas"'s were exchanged fifty times, food was eaten (with more to come)....um, are we done yet? HOURS MORE OF THIS? omg
8. Ben-Hur: Fantastic movie, awesome in every way - except it's four fucking hours long! You realize that about 1 1/2 hrs into it but now you can't leave, you're hooked. Fuck, is that the turkey burning? Whatever, Chuck Heston is rowing on a slave ship and I feel oddly gay...
7. Cowboys-Cardinals football: a joke, right? Great, 3 hours of meaningless grid-iron action peppered with 3+ hours of pointless pundit patter.
6. What to do with all those cute but ultimately annoying "stocking stuffers" like iPad styluses, Mickey Mouse key-chains and Zippo lighters (and such whatnot). What am I gonna do with all this JUNK? I mean, "gifts'?
5. TV Marathons: Sure, nine straight, differant versions of "A Christmas Carol" sounds like a good idea, at first, but that's a lot of fucking ghosts, man (like, 27 of 'em) so by the time you get to version #3 you're over it.
4. Jews filling in for Christians: Whether it be radio, local news shows, weathermen, whoever - it's the 'Shwartz & Silverman" show all damn day and night long.
3. No one delivers except the damn Chinese.
2. Everyone wants to go the the movies - to differant movies. So you end up arguing over Tron vs. True Grit, and wondering why Jeff Bridges is suddenly in every movie, and then finally you decide on Narnia. You check the times, it's sold out, you go anyway, the place is jam-packed with idiots just like you, and you end up with half the family seeing Tangled and half seeing Yogi fucking Bear.
But this is nothing compared to the #! Worst Thing About Christmas:
#1: Family Members That Never Leave & Porn.
Yes, it's been lovely seeing you mom, dad, sis, bro, bro, sis, cousin, cousin, cousin (twelve more times), grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, niece, nephew (twelve more times - God STOP BREEDING ALREADY!), mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, creepy uncle, closet dyke great aunt, 2nd cousin, 3rd cousin...
You get the point. Lovely seeing all of you. NOW LEAVE ALREADY!!!
Oh - it's only 2 o'clock? Yes, well, I need to check my stats, maybe do an update on a site, upload that gallery and edit that video, and it just wouldn't be polite to deck these halls with sounds of "fuck me dirty slut!" so could you all, um, please, you know, LEAVE?
Merry Christmas, Everyone.
10. More food than you can stuff down your throat; the first fifty bites are awesome - it's those last 350 bites that are the killer.
9. Okay, it's 2:30 in the afternoon: gifts were given, "Merry Christmas"'s were exchanged fifty times, food was eaten (with more to come)....um, are we done yet? HOURS MORE OF THIS? omg
8. Ben-Hur: Fantastic movie, awesome in every way - except it's four fucking hours long! You realize that about 1 1/2 hrs into it but now you can't leave, you're hooked. Fuck, is that the turkey burning? Whatever, Chuck Heston is rowing on a slave ship and I feel oddly gay...
7. Cowboys-Cardinals football: a joke, right? Great, 3 hours of meaningless grid-iron action peppered with 3+ hours of pointless pundit patter.
6. What to do with all those cute but ultimately annoying "stocking stuffers" like iPad styluses, Mickey Mouse key-chains and Zippo lighters (and such whatnot). What am I gonna do with all this JUNK? I mean, "gifts'?
5. TV Marathons: Sure, nine straight, differant versions of "A Christmas Carol" sounds like a good idea, at first, but that's a lot of fucking ghosts, man (like, 27 of 'em) so by the time you get to version #3 you're over it.
4. Jews filling in for Christians: Whether it be radio, local news shows, weathermen, whoever - it's the 'Shwartz & Silverman" show all damn day and night long.
3. No one delivers except the damn Chinese.
2. Everyone wants to go the the movies - to differant movies. So you end up arguing over Tron vs. True Grit, and wondering why Jeff Bridges is suddenly in every movie, and then finally you decide on Narnia. You check the times, it's sold out, you go anyway, the place is jam-packed with idiots just like you, and you end up with half the family seeing Tangled and half seeing Yogi fucking Bear.
But this is nothing compared to the #! Worst Thing About Christmas:
#1: Family Members That Never Leave & Porn.
Yes, it's been lovely seeing you mom, dad, sis, bro, bro, sis, cousin, cousin, cousin (twelve more times), grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, niece, nephew (twelve more times - God STOP BREEDING ALREADY!), mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, creepy uncle, closet dyke great aunt, 2nd cousin, 3rd cousin...
You get the point. Lovely seeing all of you. NOW LEAVE ALREADY!!!
Oh - it's only 2 o'clock? Yes, well, I need to check my stats, maybe do an update on a site, upload that gallery and edit that video, and it just wouldn't be polite to deck these halls with sounds of "fuck me dirty slut!" so could you all, um, please, you know, LEAVE?
Merry Christmas, Everyone.
Comment