Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
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Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.Comment
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Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".Comment
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Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?Comment
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Peter Griffin: [cut to previous scene] A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!Comment
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Lois Griffin: [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.Comment
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[while eating a pancake]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: OH. mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX.Comment
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[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]Comment
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Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?Comment
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[looking at himself in a spoon]Comment
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Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.Comment
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Lois Griffin: What's going on?Comment
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Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.Comment
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Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.Comment
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[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.Comment
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[waiter cuts his eggs]Comment
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Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.Comment
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Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.Comment
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[At a job interview]Comment
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Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?Comment
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Peter Griffin: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...Comment
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Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!Comment
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[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]Comment
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Boy: Daddy, what's that?Comment
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Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.Comment
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Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.Comment
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Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.Comment
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Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.Comment
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Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.Comment
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[flashback]Comment
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Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.Comment
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Scottish men: Aye.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.Comment
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Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.Comment
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Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.Comment
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Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?Comment
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Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.Comment
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Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.Comment
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Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.Comment
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Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?Comment
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Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.Comment
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Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?Comment
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Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.Comment
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Jim: What did you just call me?Comment
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