30 facts about CHUCK NORRIS

30 Facts about Chuck Norris




Chuck Norris? tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the
face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is
Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother?s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn?t
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK?s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse? horses are hung
like Chuck Norris

To prove it isn?t that big of a deal to beat cancer.
Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.

Chuck Norris won ?Jumanji? without ever saying the
word. He simply beat the living daylights out of
everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of ?beard?. Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus?
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can?t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.

Chuck Norris doesn?t read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank
forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched
and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay
taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying ?booya?.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his
waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
was more ?humane?.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, ?Bang!?

The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually ?Chuck Norris?more than meets the eye, Chuck
Norris?robot in disguise,? and starred Chuck Norris as
a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
Bull.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris?s wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, ?Don?t worry about it
honey,? and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, ?Never question Chuck
Norris.?

The quickest way to a man?s heart is with Chuck
Norris?s fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, ?Two seconds till.? After you ask, ?Two seconds
to what?? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.