Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn?t! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It?s starting to rain and the top is down.
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jesus, jokes galore!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well,, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.Comment
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can't give up yet....SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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Must... postwhore...SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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Can't stop now...SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn?t throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don?t care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don?t even have an air conditioner.Comment
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A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank, he points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her, the woman confused asked what? The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I?ll kill you, so she does. Just then he takes off his mask and says "see honey its not so bad."Comment
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I'm a survivor!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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Going on another win.SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A blonde walks into a shoe store and finds a pair of shoes she likes, she then asks the sales man what they are made of and the sales man says "they are made out of alligator", then proceeds to tell her that they cost $300.00. The blonde then says no way am I paying that much for these shoes, I?ll go and get my own. She then goes home, grabs a gun, and heads out to the swamp; she sees an alligator stick his head up out of the water and she shoots it. She then wrestles the alligator onto shore and drags him up next to five others, flips him over and says god dam nit, this one isn?t wearing any shoes eitherComment
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hmmComment
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The contest is rigged.SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver?s door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can?t believe how materialistic you high rolling? lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don?t notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer. The cop replied, didn?t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!Comment
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I love Cyberage!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I?m afraid you?ll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I?m a beautiful blonde, I?m going to NY, and I?m sitting in first class."
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I?m afraid you?ll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I?m a beautiful blonde, I?m going to NY, and I?m sitting in first class."
After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I?ll handle this. I?m married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.
Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don?t get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn?t going to NY!Comment
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What is the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.Comment
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Lies all lies.SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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This man walked out of the bar, very drunk. He decided he would walk home instead of drive. A policeman saw him walking so he pulled up on the side of him and asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The man looked at the policeman and said, "Going to a lecture." The policeman said, "Who is going to give you a lecture at this time of the night?" The man replied, "My wife."Comment
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Dammit, jannet! I wanna screw!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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The game's not over yet!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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hahaComment
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A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.
When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there?s only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"
"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.
Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.
at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"
At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"
At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn?t hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!
Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.
"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"Comment
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Who will win next?SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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not yetOriginally posted by The Apprentice
The game's not over yet!Comment
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An old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender ways to the wife, ?Doesn?t it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here??
?No, no, not really,? the wife says. ?I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn?t mean they know how to drive.Comment
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Postwhores... All bloody postwhores!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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Only 75 posts to go!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A man telephones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer.
The receptionist replies: I?m sorry but he died last week.
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."Comment
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post whore heaven hereComment
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SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I?m a new man! I feel great! I haven?t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can?t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."Comment
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Ooo look, a hampster!SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
You just won?t believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I?ve never seen anything like it.
Oh yes dear, what happened ?
I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other offComment
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You know, Ferrets are illegal in California.SIG 4 SALE! $2 A YEAR!Comment
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There was a guy that got married and decided to get a tattoo on his penis. The tattoo he got said "I LOVE YOU". A couple of days later his wife tells him she wants a divorce and he asks why? Then she said because your putting words into my mouth.Comment
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ort maybe I will tty also on the nest few ones...Comment
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#@!
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A guy walking on the sidewalk passed by an old man sitting on a bench with his head hanging low crying. The man asked, "What?s wrong friend?"
"Well," The man replied, "I live in an expensive house, I?m a multi millionaire, I get a new car every other month and I?m surrounded by beautiful women." "Then why do you feel so down?" asked the stranger. "Because," replied the old man, "I forgot how to get homeComment
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were
sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he?s burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain?t Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer
took a look at him and said, "Yup, he?s burnt real
bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain?t Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes"
"What? He had two assholes! said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every
time we went to town,or walk into a bar, folks would say, ?Here comes Bubba with the two assholesComment
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Eminem sucks,
just my
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x +1
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