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"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
Mae West.
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"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried."
Geoffrey MadanComment
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"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
George Burns.Comment
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"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Groucho Marx.Comment
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"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."
George Burns.Comment
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"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
Bob HopeComment
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"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Rita Rudner.Comment
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"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time."
Greer Garson.Comment
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
Woody AllenComment
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"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
George BurnsComment
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"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
George Burns.Comment
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"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."
Robert BenchleyComment
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"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt."
Herbert HooverComment
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"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
Milton BerleComment
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The secret of longevity is to keep breathing."
Sophie TuckerComment
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"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore.Comment
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"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen.Comment
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"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
Rita RudnerComment
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"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Denis Leary.Comment
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"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
Homer Simpson.Comment
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"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
Bill Hicks.Comment
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"A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
WC FieldsComment
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Dean Martin.Comment
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