"A jack of all trades is master of none."
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"A lie has no legs."Comment
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"A lie can be halfway around the world before the truth gets its boots on."Comment
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A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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"A little learning is a dangerous thing."Comment
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"Real seriousness in regard to writing is one of two absolute necessities. The other, unfortunately, is talent."Comment
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One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."Comment
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"A merry heart makes a long life."Comment
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"The great object is, that every man be armed. [...] Every one who is able may have a gun."Comment
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"A miss is as good as a mile."Comment
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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"Comment
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"Never hire or promote in your own image. It is foolish to replicate your strength and idiotic to replicate your weakness. It is essential to employ, trust, and reward those whose perspective, ability, and judgment are radically different from yours. It is also rare, for it requires uncommon humility, tolerance, and wisdom."Comment
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"A penny saved is a penny earned."Comment
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"Whenever you trace the origin of a skill or practices which played a crucial role in the ascent of man, we usually reach the realm of play."Comment
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"A person is known by the company he keeps."Comment
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A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me sir," says the young man "do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00" the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."Comment
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"Perhaps a modern society can remain stable only by eliminating adolescence, by giving its young, from the age of ten, the skills, responsibilities, and rewards of grownups, and opportunites for action in all spheres of life. Adolescence should be a time of useful action, while book learning and scholarship should be a preoccupation of adults."Comment
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"A pesimist is simply an informed optimist."Comment
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"A picture says a thousand words."Comment
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All men are idiots, and I married their King.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I Brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can'tComment
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"We are told that talent creates its own opportunities. But it sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents."Comment
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"A pot of milk is ruined by a drop of poison."Comment
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"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to learn whatever needs to be learned."Comment
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."Comment
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"A rolling stone gathers no moss."Comment
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"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant."Comment
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"A sound mind in a sound body."Comment
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."Comment
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"There is something that is much more scarce, something finer far, something rarer than ability. It is the ability to recognize ability."Comment
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"A stitch in time saves nine."Comment
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A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"Comment
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"I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate."Comment
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"All cats love fish but hate to get their paws wet."Comment
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"All flowers are not in one garland."Comment
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'Comment
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"One of the great attractions of patriotism -- it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous."Comment
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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."Comment
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"All frills and no knickers."Comment
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"Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not."Comment
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"Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself to do the thing you have to do when it ought to be done whether you like it or not. It is the first lesson that ought to be learned and however early a person's training begins, it is probably the last lesson a person learn thoroughly."Comment
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"All good things come to an end."Comment
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"The only success worth one's powder was success in the line of one's idiosyncrasy . what was talent but the art of being completely whatever one happened to be?"Comment
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A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"Comment
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"All roads lead to Rome."Comment
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"All's fair in love and war."Comment
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"There is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talents."Comment
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A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."Comment
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"All's well that ends well."Comment
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