"Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow."
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"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus."Comment
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Shirt Words
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."Comment
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"Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have."Comment
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"He who loses money losses much. He who loses a friend loses more. But he who loses faith loses all."Comment
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Sleeping Blonde
Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?
She forgot to close her eyes.Comment
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"The fundamental evil of the world arose from the fact that the good Lord has not created money enough."Comment
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Sliding Doors
How are a blonde's legs like automatic doors?
You walk toward them and they open!Comment
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"A man must love a thing very much if he not only practices it without any hope of fame and money, but even ... without any hope of doing it well."Comment
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Smart Blonde
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.Comment
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"Words are wise men's counters, they do but reckon with them, but they are the money of fools."Comment
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Smile if You're Blonde
Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?
Because they think their pictures are being taken.Comment
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Snowblonde
Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head first.Comment
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"Litigation: A form of hell whereby money is transferred from the pockets of the proletariat to that of lawyers."Comment
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St. Peter and the Blondes
Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."
Again St. Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."
St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."
The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."Comment
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"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over twice and put it in your pocket."Comment
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Stoplight
There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said ?walk.? She started walking and, when she was in the middle of the street, the sign turned to ?don't walk.? So she stopped.Comment
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"When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money."Comment
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Stupid Blonde
Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens her mouth!Comment
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Suicidal Blonde
One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.
"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.
"Shut up! You're next!"Comment
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"To make inexpensive guns impossible to get is to say that you're putting a money test on getting a gun. It's racism in its worst form."Comment
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"As gold which he cannot spend will make no man rich, so knowledge which he cannot apply will make no man wise."Comment
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"Keeping accounts, Sir, is of no use when a man is spending his own money, and has nobody to whom he is to account. You won't eat less beef today, because you have written down what it cost yesterday."Comment
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Suicide Attempt
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
She jumped out a basement window!Comment
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Sunroof You All Night Long
Why do blondes like sunroofs?
More legroom!Comment
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"Chain letters are not illegal. What is illegal is to threaten lives in such letters or solicit money."Comment
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Swim Meet
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.Comment
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"It is easier to talk about money -- and much easier to talk about sex -- than it is to talk about power. People who have it deny it; people who want it do not want to appear to hunger for it; and people who engage in its machinations do so secretly."Comment
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Tag Team
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
"Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."Comment
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"You don't seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help."Comment
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Talking Blondes
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.Comment
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Blank "Class has a sense of humor. It knows that a good laugh is the best lubricant for oiling the machinery of human relations. Class never makes excuses. It takes its lumps and learns from past mistakes. Class bespeaks an aristocracy unrelated to ancestors or money. Some extremely wealthy people have no class at all, while others who are struggling to make ends meet are loaded with it. Class is real. You can't fake it. Class never tries to build itself up by tearing others down. Class is already up and need not attempt to look better by making others look worse. Everyone is comfortable with the person who has class because he is comfortable with himself. If you have class, you've got it made. If you don't have class, no matter what else you have, it won't make up for it."Comment
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Tank Girl
How do you stop a blonde tank?
Shoot the people pushing it!Comment
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"Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."Comment
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Tap Dancin'
What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer?
She fell in the sink.Comment
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"Corporations have been enthroned .... An era of corruption in high places will follow and the money power will endeavor to prolong its reign by working on the prejudices of the people... until wealth is aggregated in a few hands ... and the Republic is destroyed."Comment
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Tardy Blonde
Q: Why was the blonde late for work?
A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.Comment
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Taxed Blonde
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. ''That will be $1.08, please'' says the clerk.
''What's the eight cents for?'' asks the blonde. ''It says one dollar right here on the packaging.''
''Tax,'' replies the clerk.
''Gee,'' says the blonde, ''I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!''Comment
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