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One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they frequently did together. They arrived at the 12th hole where the husband promptly hit a tremendous slice that ended up behind an old barn.

"I guess I'll just have to play it safe and chip it onto the fairway," said the man.

"No wait," said his wife. "You can hit the ball through the barn."

The man decided to give it a try. But he sliced the ball, which ricocheted off the barn and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly. The man was distraught and wallowed in his misery for many weeks, depriving himself of golf the whole time.

Eventually he relaized that he must face his demons and headed out to the very same golf course to play. Once again he found himself at the 12th hole and once again he hit a slice right behind the very same barn. As he was preparing to hit out safely to the fairway one of the other players in his foursome asked if he wanted to try and hit it through the barn.

"Oh no," replied the man, horrified. "I tried that last time."

"What happened?"

"I shot an 8!"

The Blue Eye

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''

A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.

''Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at all?''

''No, constable'', said the man.

''Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!''

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

The Businessman's Medical Problem

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: ?You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.? The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors??

The man replies, ?Yes a few in the USA.?

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

What is better than winning gold at the Para-Olympics?

Walking.

The Cross-Eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"

And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"

The Day Owl and The Night Cat

In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"

The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."

The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.

The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"

The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!

During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.

The cat replies, "He is here!'' and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."

POST GAME DISCUSSION

Two Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, "You know, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such a**holes!"

A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, "I find that statement offensive!"

One of the Rams fans replied, "Oh, you must be a Patriots fan."

"No," the man said, "I'm an a**hole!"

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

The Dough Boyz

How does Aunt Jemima turn on the Pilsbury Doughboy?
She squeezes his doughnuts!

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

THE DRUNK

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

Philadelphia Eagles Schedule

September

15 Gov. Mifflin Jr. High
22 Cub Scout Troop 101
29 PA Blind Academy

October

6 Spanish American War Vets
13 Cripple Children's Home
20 Wernersville State Hospital
27 Girl Scout Troop 353

November

3 PA VD Clinic Post #3
10 Philadelphia Boy's Choir
17 Korean Amputees

Special Monday Night Game
December

9 Utopia Gay Boys

RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR

1. When playing the polio patients, Eagles must not disconnect leg braces.

2. When playing the blind academy, Eagles must not hide the football under their jerseys.

RULES THE SAME AS LAST YEAR

1. A touchdown(this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you Eagle fans that have never seen one) is still worth 6 points.

2. The Eagles will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.

3. The Eagles will be allowed to substitute with the band members at any time during the course of the game.

4. The Eagles will be allowed 10 time-outs as opposed to 3 for the other team.

5. The Eagles will be awarded a first down for each gain of 3 yards or more.

AND ANOTHER BEER

Did you hear that former American Olympian Picabo Street donated a large sum to her hometown hospital's emergency center?

Her town named the centre after her: Peekaboo ICU.

The Facts of Life

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, ?Dad what are those dogs doing?? The dad says, ?Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is??
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, ?Son them two dogs are?? He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

?Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.? The son turns to his father and says, ?You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.? The dad asks, ?Do you know why that is, son??

The son replies, ?Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.?

What do you get when you cross a football player with a hooker?

An illegal procedure.

Q: What golfing what foursome do you never want to be behind?
A: Monica Lewinsky because she's a hooker; O.J. Simpson, since he's a slicer; Ted Kennedy -- he can't drive over water; and Bill Clinton, because he'll go for any hole.

The Fly

Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
It got pissed off.

Why can't DJ's play pool?

Because they always scratch!

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What do you call parachuting lawyers?

Skeet.

The Great Wiener Caper

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.
Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.
"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."
"Actually," the second drunk said, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar!"

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

The Injured Thumb

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

The Inscrutable Witch Fertility Problem

Why can't witches have babies.
Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

Red Sox Humor

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.

The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''

You might be a redneck if you think fly swatting is a national sport.

You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are:

"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

The Last Southern Virgin

What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana who's a virgin?
Faster than her brothers.

You know your a redneck if you're playing soccer and you say ''I hit my two best balls today... with a rake.''

The Lawyer Who Was Too Big to Bury

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

You might be a redneck if you think ?wind sprints? means running from a fart.

The Leper

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, ''I'm sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.'' The man replies, ''No, it's not you, it's the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.''

The Leprechaun Of The Bathroom

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

Q: How do you keep a Washington Redskin out of your yard?

A: Put in an end zone.

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people stopped to stare at him. One lady said, "I hate you, Rocker, you dissed New York."

The next person says, "Thanks, Rocker. You dissed homosexuals."

The next guys says, "You dissed people with mental problems."

Rocker is shocked and says, "I didn't say anything about people with mental problems!"

The man smiles and says, "Now people think that all people with mental problems are racist and dumb."

LONG SHIT


The NEW Poopie List!

Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only count the number of Ghost poopies, Dangling poopies, and the beloved Surprised poopie that have passed though our sewers! But into a new era we go - and scientists have begun a new quest: find, contain, and label the newest addition to the infamous poopie list. Scientists, Chae B., and Brandon W., are publishing a book on the different types of poopies in order to let people become more in touch with their inner poopie. They have included the old but improved poopies, and recently classified additions to the poo family - all with bona fide scientific names!
GHOST POOPIE (ghostus poopius)
You strain and grunt for many minutes and swear you felt the poopie exited your rectum, but to your awful and painful surprise, there is no poopie in the toilet!

CLEAN POOPIE (cleanius poopius)
The poopie comes out, you see it in the toilet, and your butt feels as slippery as an eel, but there is no poopie streak on the toilet paper! Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE

WET POOPIE (drainiuges poopius)
Even after an excruciating 50 wipes of toilet paper and your butthole is feeling as raw as new skin, your butt still feels unclean. You end up becoming desperate and folding a piece of toilet paper into a T-shape and sticking on end inside your anus and the other two following the contour of your butt. You do this for a secure tamponish feel.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE (startulus secondus poopius)
One of the hated poopies; it occurs when you stand up after poopie-ing and begin to pull your pants up. You suddenly have to squeeze your butt checks together as you rip them down, slamming your butt against the seat (hurting it) and poopie-ing to the point of relief. Also see THIRD WAVE POOPIE

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE (killus veinius poopius)
A dreadful poopie that is one of the leading causes of death in poopie-ing. Crapping can be dangerous! The poopie makes you strain so much, you practically have a stroke, and some people do!

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE (presidentis poopius)
The poopie is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without first chopping it up into smaller chunks. The leading cause of the presidentis poopius is not chewing your food well.

GASSY POOPIE (gassius poopius)
A dreadful poopie when attending a social or get-together; a very loud and excessive blurting sound is accompanied by a shear spills of liquid poopie.

CROP DUSTER POOPIE (cropius poopius)
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets.

DRINKER POOPIE (drunkius poopius)
A most noticeable poopie trait among the elderly and divorced people. Occurs after a long night of excessive drinking and doing shots. One of the more noticeable traits is the greenish-brown skid marks on the toilet bottom. Another trait is the occasional poopie on the floor when sight is disrupted and the poopier misses.

CORN POOPIE (cornius poopius)
The cornius poopius is one of the hardest poopies to poopie. During the procces of poopie-ing, the poopier feels a bit uncomfortable due to the following reasons: 1) The large bumps that accompany the poopie usually block rectum passage. 2) Sometimes the corn in the poopie with scrape off inside the poopier and clog the anus, causing great discomfort and an occasional doctor visit.

NUT POOPIE (nutius poopius)
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough. It can cause rectum cuts and what we at the research center call 'Burn Trails.'

GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE POOPIE (gee I wish I could poopius poopius)
A severe case among both the younger and older generation. It starts with mild cramping in the lower part of the abdomen and then worsens. Finally, when you get to a poopie disposal, also known as a toilet, you can't poopie! You just sit on the john and fart and maybe get out an occasional squirt or two, but sadly, no poopie.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE (screamus loudusly poopius)
A dangerous poopie! One that takes much effort, groaning, and gripping your knees to the point of pure pain. When it does finally come out, you wish it hadn't. It hurts so badly, you'd swear it came out sideways. And to prove it, you see if it is lying sideways in the toilet. Then you go get some witnesses, so that you'll have proof.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (splashius assius poopius)
A poopie hated by elderly and fat people, because they can't reach far behind them to wipe them. A poopie so violent, that it splashes down and causes water to splash your butt and the small of your back and rarely, your legs! Have lots of toilet paper for this one people! Play it safe!

LIQUID POOPIE (waterius poopius)
A very quick poopie, but not the cleanest by far. It is characterized by green-yellow-brown liquid like poopie that shoots rapidly from your anus and goes everywhere.

UPPER-CLASS POOPIE (preppius poopius)
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences.

SURPRISE POOPIE (shitius on thyselfius poopius)
The most hated poopie of them all. You're not near the toilet, in a crown of people, or in a classroom and you think your just gonna sneak a little fart out but tagging along with that little fart is a little poopie!

THE DANGLING POOPIE (klingonius poopius)
Another hated poopie. This poopie loves to attach itself firmly to one side of your butt cheek and stay there. You try desperately to shake it off, but to no avail. This deadly poopie is also referred to as the dreaded Klingon!

MEXICAN POOPIUS (foreignius poopius)
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a pihaha324;ata and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!

SHOTGUN POOPIE (12-gaugius poopius)
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.

DEAD DROP POOPIE (zombies poopius)
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.

LITTLE NOISY POOPIE (scardius likus hellius poopius)
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. No solid poopie is emitted from the rectum, but spatters and small chucks are. The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!

These are all the know poopies of man. Please look soon for the "Gauge Your Poopie Strength Test" and "The Advanced Poopie List."

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

The Perils of Flatulence

Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?
Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15 sec life

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

BastarD 721
FrankHolland 661
So who is going to go to sleep first

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"