Pussycash $100 per signup campaign start this Sunday, Win $1000 in this thread.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

Don't Say This During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

That's my fuckin 400 post in this thread

hello frank, now I need to go to toiled and have a smoke Have a nice posting.

Have you eaten well ?

Ok BRB goddaminit

Fat Woman

Once there was a man named BB. He had a very fat wife and for his 40th b-day she went and got a B tattooed on each butt cheek. She went home and showed BB and she asked who BoB was!

Fingers

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him, ?Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.?
?But I don't have the fingers!?

?What! You don't have the fingers!?? said the doctor, ?You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.?

?But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.?

Fire Truck

Q: Why is a fire truck red?
A: If someone pulled your hose you would turn red too.

First Day Out

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

Flies on Poo

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

Flower Flub-o-rama

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

Fly Yi Yi

Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and the first fly started sniffing around and said, "Ew, who farted?"

Frosty

Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.

Gassy Broad

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

Genetics Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes!

Genie-wine

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.

"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."

"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.

"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.

"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

Ghost story for tots

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy night. He asked the manager for a room for one night. The manager said, "I only have one room left and I don't think you want it." The football player asked, "why not." "It's haunted," the manager said. The football player said, "Well, I'll kill the ghost or whatever is in it." The manager said "OK!"
That night when the football player was just getting settled, he heard a voice. He listened and heard it again and it said, ''If the log rolls over we all will drown.''

With that he ran out of the room screaming.
The next night a woman came in and wanted a room. The manager did not argue with this because there were still no rooms left except for that one. So she got the key and went to her room. As she got settled in she heard, ''If the log rolls over we all will drown.'' She walked around and realized it was coming fron the bathroom. She looked in the toilet and saw three ants singing

Gloves: Joke circa 1890

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and carefully choset a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note.

"Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had unwittingly sent his girlfriend

Gonna Marry

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.

"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Good for the Heart

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Grandma's Birthday

What do you give an 80 yr-old grandma for her birthday?
Mikey, he'll eat anything!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha


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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha

what da fuck ?!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

How do you compliment a donkey?

''Hey, nice ass!''

Do you know that if you post hoge amount of "=" in post that changes into hahahaha ?

Gross Cornflakes

What's grosser than gross?
You eat a bowl of cornflakes and then find out that your brother's scab collection is missing.

Gross Grandma

What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.

Gross Siamese Tongue

What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
What's even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.

TESTIN, TESTIN !!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Gross, Grosser, Grossest

What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.
What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.

What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.

You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.

But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.

Gross, Grosser, Grossest II

What's grosser than gross?
Ten babies in one mail box.
What's grosser than that?
One baby in ten mailboxes.

What's grosser than that?
Biting into a pickle and finding a vein.

What's grosser than that?
A cheerleader doing a split and sticking to the floor.

What's grosser than that?
A girl thinking she has crabs only to find it's fruit flies because her cherry rotted.

I LOVE YOU !!! If I winn I will buy you a nice dress honey !!!

Grosser Than Gross Kiss

What's grosser than gross?
Kissing your grandmother hello and her tounge slips in!

You guys are just flying along

Grosser than gross.. underwear

What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.

What's grosser than that?

When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

Keep up the good work

We are giving fuckin good kickin'

hehe

will do

Now SPECIALLY....................