What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head Nurse!
The head Nurse!
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Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!Comment
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Beatles
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.Comment
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Bed Football
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"Comment
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Big Tongue
What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
Well hung.Comment
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Bird-Brained in Helopisa
John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he stepped outside, SPLAT!!! A big piece of bird shit fell on him. He asked the first person he saw where he could wash it off.
''No! No!,'' they said. ''You cannot wash it off! That is good luck! The ancient foo bird has chosen you! You must never wash it off!''
''Hey, I can live with good luck!'' he thought.
But after a while, it started to stink. Every time that he was about to wash it off, someone appeared and said '' No! You cannot wash it off.'' So he left it on. After a week, people on the street started avoiding him. No one would give him the time of day anymore. So as soon as he got back to the hotel, he washed it off. At dinner time, he got dressed and left the hotel. At the first intersection he came to, he got hit and killed by a Mack truck. All because he washed off the bird shit.
The moral of this story is, ''If the foo shits, wear it!''Comment
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
?He said you're going to die," she replied.Comment
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Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.Comment
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Biting
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."Comment
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Black and White and Red All Over
What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.Comment
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sure, take break ;]Originally posted by FrankHolland
hello?
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Blind Skydivers
Do you know why blind people don't skydive?
It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye-dogs.Comment
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Blondes and cow patties
What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.Comment
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Bloody Mary
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!Comment
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Yes I hear you, take a break I need to take my adventage
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Booger Wooger
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!Comment
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Originally posted by BastarD
Yes I hear you, take a break I need to take my adventage
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Boyfriend, Granpa and Rover
On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover.
As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!''
The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!''
The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.''
So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''Comment
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Bravery
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!Comment
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Broomsticks
Why don't witches wear undies?
To get better grip on their brooms.Comment
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Brown and Serve
What's brown and in the military?
Gomer's pile!Comment
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Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"Comment
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Bug's Mind
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.Comment
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Bulimic Bachelor Party
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!Comment
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Bull
What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.Comment
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Originally posted by Thrawn$
i wanted to win
No chance on #1 price dude - I need to buy a kickass stuff for my girlfriend on christmas
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Butt Question
If I cut off my right butt-cheek, will I be left behind?Comment
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Camoflauge Clothing
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."Comment
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Canni Ball!
Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!Comment
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Cannibals
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"Comment
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Captain Hook's Death
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!Comment
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Car Crash
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'Comment
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you need to pimp tha hoeOriginally posted by BastarD
No chance on #1 price dude - I need to buy a kickass stuff for my girlfriend on christmas
she have to pay you stuff not you
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Carpet
A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''Comment
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Caution: Condom Crossing
Why'd the condom cross the road?
He got pissed off!Comment
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Chillin' Biddies
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.Comment
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toke break
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Chilling with the Eskimo
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!Comment
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