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Confirmed User
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Port St. Lucie, Florida
Posts: 5,162
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32 MOVIES ABOUT GIANT SIZED FAMILIES
I just don?t get the fascination with movies like Cheaper By The Dozen 2 and the not to be outdone 18 kid remake of Yours, Mine, and Ours. Look for Disney?s upcoming, Sweet Lord, My Uterus Exploded! (starring Dakota Fanning, of course) to come out next summer.
31 ENERGY DRINKS
When did America become so feeble that it needed to chug down high caffeine ginseng guarana voodoo juice sodas to stay awake? I recall a fonder time when all a lad needed to stay up all night was a cup of coffee and trucker pills.
30 DAVID LEE ROTH AND EDDIE VAN HALEN
For the good of all mankind, would you two jerks make up and record some music together again?
29 HOWARD STERN
His year long commercial for how good his show is going to be once he moves to satellite radio was tedious indeed. Here?s hoping he lives up the hype.
28 DAVID CHAPELLE
He single-handedly torpedoed one of TV?s funniest shows for no apparent reason. Apparently having 50 people shout, ?I?m Rick James, *****!? in your face every day takes its toll.
27 E HARMONY FOUNDER DR. E CLARK WARREN
Watching this creepy fellow hawk his online dating service is like hearing your grandpa talk about how hot grandma is.
26 THANKSGIVING NEWS BROADCASTS
This just in?airports are crowded, and traffic is really bad on Thanksgiving Day! British Parliament could get nuked on that day, and the story would still follow this insipid coverage.
25 GAS COMPANIES
Record profits for all the companies while prices mysteriously increase across the country. OK, I?m just bitter because I accidentally drove away from a pump with the nozzle still in my tank TWICE this year.
24 TUCKER CARLSON
After getting his *** kicked by Jon Stewart on CNN?s Crossfire last year, he?s been relegated to a little watched show on MSNBC. I?m not making this up, a few weeks ago I skimmed past his show and saw him talking to a chimpanzee. Though it may have been Bob Novak, now that I think about it.
23 SCIENTOLOGY
Every religion has a bit of the hard to believe associated with it, but Scientology takes the cake. Imagine spending tens of thousands of dollars to work your way up into their program (salvation through cash) to learn that 75 million years ago, an evil space demon named Xenu enslaved aliens in a Hawaiian volcano (even though the island hadn?t been formed yet) and all of our problems are a result of their ghosts that are trapped within our body.
22 CARLOS MENCIA
Minority comedians making fun of their own ethnicity is a time honored tradition made famous by Richard Pryor and Cheech and Chong. But the way that ?Carlos Mencia?, a Hungarian/Honduran hack named Ned Holness, gets away with making fun of ?beaners? on his stupid Comedy Central show ?Mind of Mencia?, it just blows my mind.
21 MICHAEL JACKSON FANS
It?s one thing to look the other way if a celebrity you like strays from honor once or twice, but what kind of world do Michael Jackson fans live in where they think this guy is great? The only folks stupider were on the jury that acquitted him. Let?s hope those rumors of his launching a ?Jesus Juice? white wine label aren?t true.
20 POLITICAL TALK RADIO
From the wacky blathering right wing shows to the insipid conspiracy laden paranoia-fests from the left, political talk radio has become completely unlistenable. How is it so hard to believe that a country that makes ?Dancing With The Stars? a #1 show, could have simply put Bush in office for a second term by voting for him? And the conservative shows? continued blame of all things bad on Clinton and Carter has become laughable.
19 DESEPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Only Eva Longoria?s character is an actual housewife, and her husband was in jail for half the season. And Teri Hatcher?s character is one of the most unwatchably stupid women to ever appear on television.
18 TOM DELAY
I thought politicians this corrupt only existed in Dick Tracy comic strips.
17 RUBBER COMMEMERATIVE BRACELETS
Whoops! The yellow dye in those LIVESTRONG bracelets causes cancer. Sorry, folks!
16 FORMER FEMA HEAD MIKE BROWN
While the Hurricane Tragedy was on TV nonstop for 4 days, Brown actually tried to pass off the BS line that he only learned about the extent of the damage after that point. There hasn?t been a guy more unqualified for the job since Don Adams worked as a spy on ?Get Smart?.
15 LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Some of the [censored] comedians are funny in doses, but this spokesperson for Deliverance extras who isn?t really named Larry, or from the South, is just an embarrassment to humanity. SHUT-R-UP!
14 CAR MAGNETS
Cause nothing says patriotism than ribbon shaped flags. Every time you stick one of these on your car, you?re sticking it to terrorism.
13 PEOPLE WHO WALK DOWN THE STREET EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND DON'T WATCH WHERE THE **** THEY'RE GOING!
If I bump in to one more of these assholes while I'm trying to enjoy my chocolate bar, I'm going to go nuts!
12 HARRIET MIERS
Just because she worked as a puppet on "Mister Rogers Neighborhood" for decades doesn?t mean she?s qualified to serve on the highest court in the land.
11 PARIS HILTON
The extent in which this plastic empty souled waste of space continues to get crammed down our throats is mind-boggling. Ha! I said ?crammed down our throats? and ?Paris Hilton? in the same sentence!
10 HOLLABACK GIRL
I liked this song better the first time, when it was called ?Hey Mickey!?, but it?s about the best song featuring fecal matter and bananas since Lobo?s ?70s hit ?Me and You And a ****ty Banana Named Boo?.
9 RUNAWAY BRIDE, JENNIFER WILBANKS
After concocting a fake kidnap story to get out of a wedding, Jennifer Wilbanks? bug-eyed face became the most frightening image on TV since The X-Files was canceled.
8 BIRD FLU
Frankly, they?ve crapped on my car one too many times, so I?m all far it! Watch for Fred Phelps? extreme followers to explain that this is God?s punishment for gay birds.
7 RACIST FLOOD COVERAGE
While much was made about the black ?looters? and white ?gatherers? in the media?s coverage of the Katrina flooding, why wasn?t there any outcry about the unfair portrayal of failed lesbians as the source of the flooding? And calling them ?dykes? on national TV was pretty harsh.
6 MARTHA STEWART
You?d think we?d ended the War in Iraq or elected a new Pope with the level of attention Martha?s release from prison got.
5 TERRELL OWENS
If this guy would put just 10% of the energy he spends being a prima donna into just shutting up and playing the game, he?d be one of the greatest football players of all time. As it stands, he?s about ready for a career of celebrity poker with Dennis Rodman.
4 NAPOLEON DYNAMITE T-SHIRTS
I think it's time to impeach Pedro.
3 ARUBA KIDNAP VICTIM, NATALEE HOLLAWAY
The media was never more racist than it's coverage of the missing white Alabama teen. News channels covered her disappearance round the clock, while Hispanic woman Carmen Sandiego remains missing with no media attention whatsoever.
2 TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise is completely sane, virile, exhibits self control, is a member of a totally rational non-cult religion, does not eat babies, and does not use mind control to trick Hollywood starlets into carrying the seed of space-demons.
1 HURRICANES
They proved to be a bit inconvenient this year, to say the least. Hopefully next year?s deadly locust plagues and rivers of blood will help put it all behind us once and for all.
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