Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after
an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate
one.
Chuck Norris got the idea for a workout machine after selling his soul
to Satan. When the idea failed he returned and asked for a more demonic
machine. Thus the Total Gym was born.
Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.
Chuck was once in a Veit Cong prison camp but when they searched him and
found his ID they let him go with their best bottle of Sake.
Prince initially called "When Doves Cry" "When Chuck Cries." After
several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not
only the title of the song, but his name as well.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born
from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck
Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris randomly subscribes to TV Guide and has the copies sent to
various households across the nation, along with the bills for said
subscriptions.
Chuck Norris knows kung fu. Seriously.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen
the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When
police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction,
officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly
beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.
Much like Dr. Emmett Brown and/or Marty McFly, of the "Back to the
Future" fame, Chuck Norris owns a Delorian fitted with a flux
capacitor. Much unlike Dr. Emmett Brown, however, Chuck Norris does not
fear the risk of a time paradox, as he can shape the very fabric of time
using his volatile man chowder as one would shape clay. As a result, he
freely goes over 88mph as he wishes.
Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
Chuck Norris sodomized Michael Jackson.
Supposibly Chuck Norris is a metamorpher because girls say that he is an
animal in bed.
Instead of saying "Friend" to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria,
Gandalf could have simply just said "Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
Chuck Norris invented the thumb for the sole purpose of giving "the
thumbs-up", he later discovered the aposable thumb can be used for
millions of other things, like giving "the thumbs-down", drinking a
beer, and picking up spare change from the floor. Steven Segal was so
furious at this achievment, he invented the "Big Toe", which hasn't been
as big of a hit as the thumb. sorry Steve-o.
Chuck Norris actually hates cripples. Filming "Sidekicks" was one of
the most painful things he ever done. He did however sleep with the
cripples mom so it wasn't all bad.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out, a year later relized that a group of
singers were asking about it so he adopted two ethiopian children, and
ate them.
Chuck Norris once kickboxed a hobo for seventeen consecutive hours.
Chuck Norris is Batman.
Only one movie has ever made Chuck Norris cry. That movie: "Legends of
the Fall".
The last words Gandhi ever heared were, "Take a dirt-nap, asshole." Who
uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.
Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn.
Chuck Norris likes to practice the art of beating off while looking into
the mirror.
Chuck Norris is a fiesty bastard because he was born a redhead.
Chuck Norris was arrested in the early 80's for throwing stray cats at
oncoming buses.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his
roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to
perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun,
roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Those chicks don't even know the name of Chuck Norris' band.
Chuck Norris beat up your honor student.
If Chuck Norris had played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ, things
would have gone much, much better. First, he would have slapped those
Pharasee assholes into shape, then kicked some Roman ass, before finally
uprooting the cross with his bare hands and mowing down all innocent
civilians in reach like young sapling trees before a mighty
Paul-Bunyon-esque axe. Cheeks would be turned -- just not Chuck Norris'.
Chuck Norris had a threesome with Frodo and Sam from "The Lord of the
Rings". In the end it was too much for them, thus breaking those two
homo hobits up.
Chuck Norris' true form showed itself in 1999 when he erupted from his
sleep beneath the planet's crust until a group of teenagers almost
defeated him.
Chuck Norris once crushed a Ping Pong ball with his bare hands. When
asked why, he responded matter-of-factly, "I hates them asians more than
not kicking ass. Them folks shouldn't reproduce. You know wut Im
sayin'?"
Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just
to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.
Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with
the dinosaurs.
The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning
to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected
sex.
After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them
after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a
bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris sent each of the judges at the Academy Awards a giftbasket
of mini-muffins and assorted treats to sway them to vote for Sidekicks
as Best Picture of the Year. Although it did not win, Chuck is not
discouraged and has been filming Sidekicks 2 for 11 years in his
basement apartment.
Chuck Norris was actually born with four nipples.
One time, Chuck Norris escaped from Alcatraz with nothing but an elastic
band and a plastic fork. This was was the inspiration for the song
"Funkytown".
Chuck Norris is a member of Daft Punk and Prodigy.
Chuck Norris's favorite pastime is taking a bath with his Macho Man
Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth WWF action figures.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
And so Chuck Norris begat Jedadiah Norris, who begat Elijah Norris, who
begat Esther Norris, who begat Mordechai Norris, who spread his seed
across the land and was blessed with many children, who propagated the
earth until it was filled only by the chosen line of the Norris.
Norrislelujah!
Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged
about it to the Lincoln Memorial.
Chuck Norris doesnt fight to the death. He fights to the pain! To the
pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the
ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your
right. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of
every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every
babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God!
What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the
pain means. It means Chuck Norris leaves you in anguish, wallowing in
freakish misery forever.
Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that Jesse
became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not need to use his hands while masturbating. He
instead silently glares at his penis, which then proceeds to jerk itself
off, for fear of being evaporated by Chuck's heat vision, and then
replaced by a regrown penis, 365 times bigger than it. 365 for the
amount of days a year Chuck Norris kicks ass. And if you ask Chuck about
leap years, he will roundhouse your face. There are no leap years in
Chuck Norris Land.
The final fight scene in The Way of the Dragon was not choreographed.
Instead, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee fought it out for real, culminating
in Lee breaking Norris' neck.
an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate
one.
Chuck Norris got the idea for a workout machine after selling his soul
to Satan. When the idea failed he returned and asked for a more demonic
machine. Thus the Total Gym was born.
Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.
Chuck was once in a Veit Cong prison camp but when they searched him and
found his ID they let him go with their best bottle of Sake.
Prince initially called "When Doves Cry" "When Chuck Cries." After
several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not
only the title of the song, but his name as well.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born
from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck
Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris randomly subscribes to TV Guide and has the copies sent to
various households across the nation, along with the bills for said
subscriptions.
Chuck Norris knows kung fu. Seriously.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen
the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When
police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction,
officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly
beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.
Much like Dr. Emmett Brown and/or Marty McFly, of the "Back to the
Future" fame, Chuck Norris owns a Delorian fitted with a flux
capacitor. Much unlike Dr. Emmett Brown, however, Chuck Norris does not
fear the risk of a time paradox, as he can shape the very fabric of time
using his volatile man chowder as one would shape clay. As a result, he
freely goes over 88mph as he wishes.
Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
Chuck Norris sodomized Michael Jackson.
Supposibly Chuck Norris is a metamorpher because girls say that he is an
animal in bed.
Instead of saying "Friend" to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria,
Gandalf could have simply just said "Chuck Norris".
Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
Chuck Norris invented the thumb for the sole purpose of giving "the
thumbs-up", he later discovered the aposable thumb can be used for
millions of other things, like giving "the thumbs-down", drinking a
beer, and picking up spare change from the floor. Steven Segal was so
furious at this achievment, he invented the "Big Toe", which hasn't been
as big of a hit as the thumb. sorry Steve-o.
Chuck Norris actually hates cripples. Filming "Sidekicks" was one of
the most painful things he ever done. He did however sleep with the
cripples mom so it wasn't all bad.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out, a year later relized that a group of
singers were asking about it so he adopted two ethiopian children, and
ate them.
Chuck Norris once kickboxed a hobo for seventeen consecutive hours.
Chuck Norris is Batman.
Only one movie has ever made Chuck Norris cry. That movie: "Legends of
the Fall".
The last words Gandhi ever heared were, "Take a dirt-nap, asshole." Who
uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.
Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn.
Chuck Norris likes to practice the art of beating off while looking into
the mirror.
Chuck Norris is a fiesty bastard because he was born a redhead.
Chuck Norris was arrested in the early 80's for throwing stray cats at
oncoming buses.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his
roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to
perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun,
roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Those chicks don't even know the name of Chuck Norris' band.
Chuck Norris beat up your honor student.
If Chuck Norris had played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ, things
would have gone much, much better. First, he would have slapped those
Pharasee assholes into shape, then kicked some Roman ass, before finally
uprooting the cross with his bare hands and mowing down all innocent
civilians in reach like young sapling trees before a mighty
Paul-Bunyon-esque axe. Cheeks would be turned -- just not Chuck Norris'.
Chuck Norris had a threesome with Frodo and Sam from "The Lord of the
Rings". In the end it was too much for them, thus breaking those two
homo hobits up.
Chuck Norris' true form showed itself in 1999 when he erupted from his
sleep beneath the planet's crust until a group of teenagers almost
defeated him.
Chuck Norris once crushed a Ping Pong ball with his bare hands. When
asked why, he responded matter-of-factly, "I hates them asians more than
not kicking ass. Them folks shouldn't reproduce. You know wut Im
sayin'?"
Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just
to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.
Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with
the dinosaurs.
The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning
to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected
sex.
After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them
after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a
bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris sent each of the judges at the Academy Awards a giftbasket
of mini-muffins and assorted treats to sway them to vote for Sidekicks
as Best Picture of the Year. Although it did not win, Chuck is not
discouraged and has been filming Sidekicks 2 for 11 years in his
basement apartment.
Chuck Norris was actually born with four nipples.
One time, Chuck Norris escaped from Alcatraz with nothing but an elastic
band and a plastic fork. This was was the inspiration for the song
"Funkytown".
Chuck Norris is a member of Daft Punk and Prodigy.
Chuck Norris's favorite pastime is taking a bath with his Macho Man
Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth WWF action figures.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
And so Chuck Norris begat Jedadiah Norris, who begat Elijah Norris, who
begat Esther Norris, who begat Mordechai Norris, who spread his seed
across the land and was blessed with many children, who propagated the
earth until it was filled only by the chosen line of the Norris.
Norrislelujah!
Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged
about it to the Lincoln Memorial.
Chuck Norris doesnt fight to the death. He fights to the pain! To the
pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the
ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your
right. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of
every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every
babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God!
What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the
pain means. It means Chuck Norris leaves you in anguish, wallowing in
freakish misery forever.
Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that Jesse
became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of
Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not need to use his hands while masturbating. He
instead silently glares at his penis, which then proceeds to jerk itself
off, for fear of being evaporated by Chuck's heat vision, and then
replaced by a regrown penis, 365 times bigger than it. 365 for the
amount of days a year Chuck Norris kicks ass. And if you ask Chuck about
leap years, he will roundhouse your face. There are no leap years in
Chuck Norris Land.
The final fight scene in The Way of the Dragon was not choreographed.
Instead, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee fought it out for real, culminating
in Lee breaking Norris' neck.
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