Dear Michele,
I'll start by saying this: I miss you. A lot. I've often wondered what exactly happened with us, where your thoughts were on us, etc. When people ask me what happened I tell them that you had to go back to school and get career retraining in California due to your insurance claim etc, and that training would probably have taken a few years... so you had to stay there and we just lost touch. Well, it's not entirely accurate but it's the best explanation I could think of.
I did not want you to go. I hope that was evident on that day at the train station when we said goodbye. There were a few phone calls after that, but they quickly died off and after a few months of no contact I remember phoning you "out of the blue". You seemed surprised that I was calling, for some reason, like you didn't think I would or something. I've wondered about that too, that you would ever think I didn't love you or want you, I don't know how I might have given you that impression in any way. Sure we had a few disagreements and little spats (like any couple has), but nothing huge or ugly like a lot of couples have. You and I were pretty good together actually.
The next thing I'll say to you is that I needed to change a few things about myself, I admit that. We were going through some rough water back then, no doubt about it. Very rough. I didn't deal with it all that well but I did the best I could without having a complete breakdown, and you were the source of strength and love I needed to get me through it. I know you probably hoped I'd adjust and adapt faster than I did, but that blow to my life hit me very hard, harder than I let on. I still struggle at times with it all, but have come a long way and come to many realizations since then, about a lot of things. I've used all that trouble to learn from and make positive changes in myself.
Anyways, it's long in the past now, all that trouble. The charges involving me were all withdrawn a few years ago officially. My brother's troubles still to this day (November-December of '04) continue though, but the outcome looks very favorable. I have been to the US once in the past three years, to visit my aunt in International Falls Minnesota. Crossing the border was a bit of a hassle but it got done.
So that all brings me back to me missing you. I've often thought about you and wished you were here, wished I could talk to you. About 3 Christmases ago I did phone down there and left a message on your sister's (?) answering machine for you, but got no reply so I'm not sure if you ever got that message or if you had already moved on and just didn't want to talk to me anymore or what. I kid myself by thinking that maybe your family there didn't let you hear the message and erased it to prevent you from leaving them again. Everybody wants you.
Why now?
Well, I thought there might be a chance here, and if you ever get to actually read this, maybe you'll call me again. Maybe you have been thinking about me too, I don't know. If you have or haven't, I would love to talk to you either way. If you don't still have my number, shoot me an email to
[email protected] and I'll respond back with my number (and a lot of amazement!).
In closing, I hope you are doing well and you are happy Michele. There is so much I could say to you and want to say to you but it would take up a lot of pages to type it all out for you. Just know I'm thinking of you, I miss you terribly, I should have asked you to come back and marry me, I should have made my feelings clearer to you, I was a better man having you in my life, and was lucky to have met you. I mean all that from the heart, please don't fall over dead from shock, k? It's really me typing this, I promise. I feel like the guy sending out a message in a bottle here, but it's worth the chance that you'll somehow find your way to this page like you found your way to me in the first place.
Anyway, I wish you well Michele (see? I remembered only one "L")... I wish you the best, you deserve it.
Still loving you,
Billy
204-237-0028essage for Michele Sotelo, last living in Stockton California near San Francisco, who came to visit Billy in Winnipeg, Canada back in 2001.
P.S. - Sully misses you too.
This song always reminds me of you...
Forever Autumn
The summer sun is fading as the year grows old
And darker days are drawing near.
The winter winds will be much colder
Now you're not here.
I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky
And one by one they disappear.
I wish that I was flying with them
Now you're not here.
Like the sun through the trees you came to love me.
Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away.
Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick our way,
You always loved this time of year.
Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now
'Cause you're not here.
'Cause you're not here.
'Cause you're not here.
Like the sun through the trees you came to love me,
Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away.
A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
As if to hide a lonely tear,
My life will be forever autumn
'Cause you're not here.
'Cause you're not here.
'Cause you're not here.
Feb. 21st/2005
It's just after 6 AM, I'm making breakfast and having some coffee, and thought I would add a bit to this page in case you happen to find your way to it one of these days. I was out to dinner with my dad last night, and in our conversation we happened to get on the subject of Valentine's day. I told him about our one Valentine's day way back when, that night you and I headed out for dinner in that -40 weather, remember how cold it was? I'm sure you'll never forget that. And remember how hard it was for us to find a restaurant that wasn't lined up for two hours? And.... remember what a nice time we had in that little sports lounge we finally ended up in, having some drinks and food and just being together and happy?
I sure do.
My dad and my mom each sometimes ask about you and if I've heard anything more from you. They both liked you very much, as did the rest of my family that you met, I hope you know that.
I'm sitting here wondering what your life has been like over the past five years. Yes, in a few weeks it will be five years exacly since you left on the train and never came back. Seems like a lifetime ago, yet I remember it as if it was yesterday. I also find myself wondering things like... "Did she doubt that I cared enough for her?"
"Did I not show her enough love while she was here?"
"Could I have done more to show her how much I came to care for her?"
The answer is yes to all three I fear. That is one of my biggest regrets, and I find myself wanting a "Do-over" I tell you. However, at the same time I remember many many great times we had during our time together. From the times we had back in Montana to our trip up to Winnipeg, to all the rest of it... I know that I was, as far as guys go, pretty good to you Michele. Not perfect by any stretch, but a girl could do worse.
All of this is neither here nor there though.... the fact is, I miss you and am still very much thinking of you. I wish like hell I could talk to you at least one more time.
Contact me Michele. Or call me, I'm still at X04-X37-XX28.