IwantU.com wants you to win $2600 in this thread !!!

okay will help in 10 minutes, then I need to get back to work.

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?'

'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.'

'Impressive... And what sort of case was that?'

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'

lalalalalala homer homer homer

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are given the oppurtunity to walk only if they convince ten other guys not to do drugs. They both agree and set off. The first male comes back and says "I got the ten guys, but it wasn't easy". The cop asks how he did it. "I drew a large circle and then a small circle and said the large circle was your brain and the small circle was your brain on drugs." The second male comes back and says "I got 42 guys to quit drugs!" The cop impressed, asks how did he do it? "Well basically the same system as the first guy but I drew the small circle first and said, "You see the small circle is your butt hole before you go to jail and the large circle is after you have been to jail."

A bear was chasing a little rabbit.
"Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.
"Never!" shouted the rabbit.
As the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.
The genie said to the bear,"Hey! If you stop chasing him I''ll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"
The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!"
*Poof!* and his wish was granted.
The rabbit went next, "I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!"
*Poof* and the rabbit''s wish was granted.
The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, "What a lame wish!"
For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.
*Poof* his wish was granted.
The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.
Just before he booked out of there he said, "I wish the bear was gay!"

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

cool contest

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

A Cucumber, a Pickle, and a Penis

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck.
The cucumber says, "I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most."
The pickle then says, "I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most."
The penis then says, "Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit."

Amazing thread.

whats with all the essay posts :/ hehe, guess you have to post something to keep this alive!

Two lawyers are leaving the office. ?I can?t wait to get home,? says one of them. ?As soon as I walk in the door, I?m going to rip my wife?s panties right off.? ?I know the feeling,? the other says. ?No, I?m serious,? says the first. ?They?re killing me.?

bump because I know I won't win so I'll help someone else out

Ya it is
But after you win a prize it gets even better try to get a second one.

Ya I get bored of posting smilies or 1 to 3 word posts
So joke do help, and they make me laugh

Wacky Foreign Notices

In a Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and Heates: If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
To stop leak, turn cock to the right

In a Doctors' office, Rome:
Specialist in women, and other diseases.

A Hotel, Acapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude, ought to see the manager.

On a highway somewhere:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help

In a city restaurant:
Open seven days a week, and on weekends also.

On a mental institution building:
Mental health prevention centre.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands

In a maternity ward:
No children allowed

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed

And the rest

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable

Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service

From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers

Hotel, Vienna:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists

A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the ussr, you are welcome to it

Now that I'm older, here's what I have discovered...


1: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2: My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3: I finally got my head together, but now my body is falling apart.
4: Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5: Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
6: It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7: The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8: If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9: It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
10: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Great truths about life, that little children have learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Hey, you made it to just about halfway there! Nice.

Great truths about life, that adults have learned


Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.

it just keeps going and going and going....

Great truths about growing old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone

and going and going and going...

Success

At age 4 success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 17 success is... having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is... having sex.
At age 35 success is... having money.
At age 50 success is... having money.
At age 60 success is... having sex.
At age 70 success is... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is... having friends.
At age 80 success is... not peeing in your pants

Its along way to 5000 posts

If you love something, set it free...
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realise that you have set it free.....

You either married it or gave birth to it!

bump mofo's

how many posts we got up now?

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility,
To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I like,
And the eyesight to tell the difference

Wacky Wisdoms

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

coolone, how are you today>

... I want to be at least 2500th ... It isn't for money but nice:-)

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

1:57 am on Thursday 26th August 2004

Doin ok

My daughter is driving me crazy, I can't get any work done
cause she is always right here asking me for something.
So I am here posting, boring but I may win

So how are you doing? Life treating you good I hope.

Insurance Claim Excuses

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

2k5?:-)

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

This Norwich Union Customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

I was going along at 70 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my goolies so I lost control

... I hope so:-)

The car in front hit a pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telegraph pole

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle

An invisible car came out of no where, struck my car and vanished

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

... I have never win in my life:-(