Just shut the FUCK up!
The following is a list of people, in no particular order, who can shut the fuck up:
COPS. All cops can shut the fuck up. All of them. You are all worthless. You show up after something has already happened. The only time you stop a ?crime in progress? is when someone is speeding. Does 15 miles over the speed limit really cause that many accidents? No. Of course not. ?Putting your life on the line?? Please. Just shut the fuck up. There are not that many gun-wielding bad guys in the real world. There are no shootouts anymore. I think the last time a cop in my town shot someone (about 6 months ago) was a retarded old woman with a steak knife. Hey man, nice shot, another 4 hours and she might have quit drooling long enough to get her walker over to where you were. I am glad you blasted her, though. It?s a tough job, but somebody?s gotta do it. Yeah, somebody that liked to cause trouble in high school and couldn?t get into the Marines. So shut the fuck up. Also, anyone who wants to defend cops or says anything like, ?I have a friend who is a cop and he is cool.? BLAH BLAH BLAH. You can just shut the fuck up as well.
STRIPPERS WHO SAY THEY ARE IN SCHOOL. Oh my god. SHUT THE FUCK UP. You are not in school. You are not going to be a nurse, accountant, or a lawyer. Your daddy didn?t hold you enough as a child (or maybe WAY TOO MUCH) and that sucks, but for the love of Christ, don?t tell me you are better than this. You are not. You are two layers of cotton fiber away from being a full-fledged prostitute. Not that I don?t respect you. Who doesn?t love a stripper? But seriously, I?m not paying you to talk. If you want to lie to me, tell me I have the biggest cock you have ever seen, but PLEASE don?t tell me that you are taking 1 class a semester at night school and after you get your GED you are on your way to Med school. Because you are NOT. You are a stripper. Just be happy that you are good-looking enough to pull off that career. Take your Prozac and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE BUMPER STICKER-- ?Hang up and DRIVE!? Seriously, you people REALLY need to shut the fuck up. I admit, there are people out there that can?t talk on the phone and drive at the same time. They should be shot dead. I?ll give you that. But they certainly shouldn?t be reading your dumb ass bumper stickers while they are driving and talking on the phone. For the other 99% of us that can use a phone and drive at the same time, I think I speak for all of us when I say, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Just because you don?t have enough friends to warrant having a cell phone or because no one calls you while you are driving does NOT mean you know one god damned thing more about the subject than anyone else. If you really think it is dangerous, you are an idiot. And if I get one email that starts with ?Studies show...? you can surely shut the fuck up. Twice. Talking on a cell phone is easy to do while you are driving. If you don?t believe that, you can SHUT THE FUCK UP.
MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING. Since we are on the subject of driving, I just wanted to let MADD know that they are cordially invited to SHUT THE FUCK UP. They come out with studies about twice a year telling us what horrible people our college students and young adults are. They tell us that 189% or some ridiculous number of students are binge drinkers and that causes 2.3 billion auto accidents a week. OH SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP. Their studies are based on ridiculous surveys that no one cares about answering honestly. On top of that (this is my favorite part) they count binge drinking as more than 2 drinks in one sitting. Um, ok, can I get a shut the fuck up, please? MORE THAN 2 DRINKS!??!?!? What??!!? That makes no sense. Who drinks LESS than that? Surely no one I know. Oh, I get it, I guess we are all binge drinking. So stupid. And seriously, does a couple of beers really make you drive THAT bad? Nope. If you really stop and think about it, how wasted do you have to be before it affects your driving? Certainly more than 0.08 BAL. Think about it ¾ How do fatality accidents occur? Either someone runs a red light/stop sign or they do something REALLY stupid. Even a little buzzed, I don?t see myself doing that. No, just being drunk doesn?t CAUSE accidents. You have to actually do something WAY stupid. When someone runs a red light and kills someone sober, that is a ?HORRIBLE ACCIDENT?. But if someone did that with a little alcohol in their system, then it?s ?VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER.? Just because the one idiot did it sober, nothing happens to him. Tell me why that makes sense. And now, MADD isn?t just against drinking and driving, they are against ALL drinking. Great, thanks, that was such a good idea about 80 years ago. Maybe we can start an entire underground industry of bootlegging again. Prohibition has worked so well in the past against alcohol and drugs, let?s try it again. You MADD morons can shut the fuck up. I am done with you.
GIRLS THAT LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX BUT WILL NOT SWALLOW WHEN IT IS THEIR TURN. No, I don?t want to hear it. I know what you want to say but don?t. Instead, take some advice and shut the fuck up. All right, what you like to say is that it?s ?so much at once? or ?it tastes bad? or ?it makes me gag? or ?I don?t like the texture.? Oh, ok, that?s fine ¾ however, SHUT THE FUCK UP. You can?t tell me that camping in your nether regions for 30 minutes while having pint after pint of warm juice drip on your face is better than a shot glass full of jizz that you have to deal with for 10 seconds. PLEASE. Just put it all the way to the back of your throat and take it. I mean TAKE IT. Some of you ladies don?t exactly have aromatheraputic fragrances going on down there. We endure that. Now just buck up, suck it, and shut the fuck up. It?s not that bad and eventually you will get used to it. Reciprocation. It?s a great concept. Look up the word, you illiterate stripper, and swallow. And then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
GUYS IN SOUPED UP HONDA CIVICS. *or anything similar. Really guys, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I mean, I really don?t even know what to say to you people. There is nothing cool about a $4000 car with $25,000 in upgrades. Nothing. Why not just spend $30k on something nice. Or better yet, SHUT THE FUCK UP. And wipe the stupid-ass Chinese writing off the windows. I understand you probably came over here on a boat, but now you have a car, so shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. And just because you put the symbols for ?strength?, ?power?, and ?donkeydick? on your car doesn?t mean you have any of that. So, officially, from me to you, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
THE GUY AT THE GYM WORKING OUT NEXT TO ME THAT WANTS TO TELL ME THE REASON WHY HE CAN?T LIFT ANYTHING MORE THAN THE BAR is because..... BLAH BLAH BLAH. I hurt my shoulder too, buddy. But the thing you need to realize is I don?t care how much anyone else lifts. And I certainly don?t care that you used to lift twice as much before the injury. I didn?t ask, so you should tell. Hey, isn?t that your friend over there flexing in the mirror. Shouldn?t you go spot him so the veins on his head don?t burst? Yeah, that?s it, go away. And on the way over there, consider the value of taking a minute to SHUT THE FUCK UP. You over-tan, hairless monkey. There are 1000 reasons why someone can lift more than you and just because I am stronger AND right next to you does not mean I want the 8 you have. Please don?t start speaking to me, but on the off chance that you have already, well, I guess you better just shut the fuck up.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ADVOCATES. ?Everyone is the same and should be treated the same and should act the same and be the same.? Also, ?Diversity is so great because when things are diverse than you get a diverse experience which is better than a non-diverse one for very diverse reasons.? CAUTION: You just made no sense. Oh my god, my head is going to explode. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP! How do you people reconcile your logic? How can we treat everyone the same and think about everyone the same if schools and companies are giving preferences to people because of their color? This does not promote your main goal of equality. You liberal fucks. You hippie tree-huggers. You communist bastards. You pinko freaks. Take a shower once a week. I think your fumes are going to your head. I agree ¾ racism is bad. All of it. So just make judging people by the color of their skin illegal, period. Then, when that is taken care of, and everybody thinks like you, you can sit down, relax and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
GIRLS THAT SAY ?I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT.? Actually, keep saying that. DO NOT shut the fuck up. I love hearing that. It translates directly in my mind to ?You are totally getting laid tonight.? I have tried to figure out the psychology behind this one, but, alas, how fruitless. Maybe they don?t want you to think they are easy. Maybe they really think they aren?t at that point. Maybe they really want to and are trying to convince themselves. Who knows? But the bottom line is, YOU ARE LYING. Once you have two more cherry amaretto sours, each containing almost 3 times the alcohol in one sip of beer, and are (these are air quotes here) ?hammered? and need me to give you a ride, we?ll see how long you are singing that tune. ?I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT.? Apparently, I am supposed to think, Well gee, maybe she means that if I take her out sometime, she will sleep with me. Maybe I am supposed to think that she has to be in love first. Who knows? But what I really think is ?SCORE. Done.? So if you want some advice, if you don?t want to have sex, don?t bring it up. Or bring it up and get nailed. Either way, I would prefer if you would just try to bring yourself to the point where you can safely and easily SHUT THE FUCK UP.
COPS. All cops can shut the fuck up. All of them. You are all worthless. You show up after something has already happened. The only time you stop a ?crime in progress? is when someone is speeding. Does 15 miles over the speed limit really cause that many accidents? No. Of course not. ?Putting your life on the line?? Please. Just shut the fuck up. There are not that many gun-wielding bad guys in the real world. There are no shootouts anymore. I think the last time a cop in my town shot someone (about 6 months ago) was a retarded old woman with a steak knife. Hey man, nice shot, another 4 hours and she might have quit drooling long enough to get her walker over to where you were. I am glad you blasted her, though. It?s a tough job, but somebody?s gotta do it. Yeah, somebody that liked to cause trouble in high school and couldn?t get into the Marines. So shut the fuck up. Also, anyone who wants to defend cops or says anything like, ?I have a friend who is a cop and he is cool.? BLAH BLAH BLAH. You can just shut the fuck up as well.
STRIPPERS WHO SAY THEY ARE IN SCHOOL. Oh my god. SHUT THE FUCK UP. You are not in school. You are not going to be a nurse, accountant, or a lawyer. Your daddy didn?t hold you enough as a child (or maybe WAY TOO MUCH) and that sucks, but for the love of Christ, don?t tell me you are better than this. You are not. You are two layers of cotton fiber away from being a full-fledged prostitute. Not that I don?t respect you. Who doesn?t love a stripper? But seriously, I?m not paying you to talk. If you want to lie to me, tell me I have the biggest cock you have ever seen, but PLEASE don?t tell me that you are taking 1 class a semester at night school and after you get your GED you are on your way to Med school. Because you are NOT. You are a stripper. Just be happy that you are good-looking enough to pull off that career. Take your Prozac and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE BUMPER STICKER-- ?Hang up and DRIVE!? Seriously, you people REALLY need to shut the fuck up. I admit, there are people out there that can?t talk on the phone and drive at the same time. They should be shot dead. I?ll give you that. But they certainly shouldn?t be reading your dumb ass bumper stickers while they are driving and talking on the phone. For the other 99% of us that can use a phone and drive at the same time, I think I speak for all of us when I say, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Just because you don?t have enough friends to warrant having a cell phone or because no one calls you while you are driving does NOT mean you know one god damned thing more about the subject than anyone else. If you really think it is dangerous, you are an idiot. And if I get one email that starts with ?Studies show...? you can surely shut the fuck up. Twice. Talking on a cell phone is easy to do while you are driving. If you don?t believe that, you can SHUT THE FUCK UP.
MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING. Since we are on the subject of driving, I just wanted to let MADD know that they are cordially invited to SHUT THE FUCK UP. They come out with studies about twice a year telling us what horrible people our college students and young adults are. They tell us that 189% or some ridiculous number of students are binge drinkers and that causes 2.3 billion auto accidents a week. OH SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP. Their studies are based on ridiculous surveys that no one cares about answering honestly. On top of that (this is my favorite part) they count binge drinking as more than 2 drinks in one sitting. Um, ok, can I get a shut the fuck up, please? MORE THAN 2 DRINKS!??!?!? What??!!? That makes no sense. Who drinks LESS than that? Surely no one I know. Oh, I get it, I guess we are all binge drinking. So stupid. And seriously, does a couple of beers really make you drive THAT bad? Nope. If you really stop and think about it, how wasted do you have to be before it affects your driving? Certainly more than 0.08 BAL. Think about it ¾ How do fatality accidents occur? Either someone runs a red light/stop sign or they do something REALLY stupid. Even a little buzzed, I don?t see myself doing that. No, just being drunk doesn?t CAUSE accidents. You have to actually do something WAY stupid. When someone runs a red light and kills someone sober, that is a ?HORRIBLE ACCIDENT?. But if someone did that with a little alcohol in their system, then it?s ?VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER.? Just because the one idiot did it sober, nothing happens to him. Tell me why that makes sense. And now, MADD isn?t just against drinking and driving, they are against ALL drinking. Great, thanks, that was such a good idea about 80 years ago. Maybe we can start an entire underground industry of bootlegging again. Prohibition has worked so well in the past against alcohol and drugs, let?s try it again. You MADD morons can shut the fuck up. I am done with you.
GIRLS THAT LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX BUT WILL NOT SWALLOW WHEN IT IS THEIR TURN. No, I don?t want to hear it. I know what you want to say but don?t. Instead, take some advice and shut the fuck up. All right, what you like to say is that it?s ?so much at once? or ?it tastes bad? or ?it makes me gag? or ?I don?t like the texture.? Oh, ok, that?s fine ¾ however, SHUT THE FUCK UP. You can?t tell me that camping in your nether regions for 30 minutes while having pint after pint of warm juice drip on your face is better than a shot glass full of jizz that you have to deal with for 10 seconds. PLEASE. Just put it all the way to the back of your throat and take it. I mean TAKE IT. Some of you ladies don?t exactly have aromatheraputic fragrances going on down there. We endure that. Now just buck up, suck it, and shut the fuck up. It?s not that bad and eventually you will get used to it. Reciprocation. It?s a great concept. Look up the word, you illiterate stripper, and swallow. And then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
GUYS IN SOUPED UP HONDA CIVICS. *or anything similar. Really guys, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I mean, I really don?t even know what to say to you people. There is nothing cool about a $4000 car with $25,000 in upgrades. Nothing. Why not just spend $30k on something nice. Or better yet, SHUT THE FUCK UP. And wipe the stupid-ass Chinese writing off the windows. I understand you probably came over here on a boat, but now you have a car, so shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. And just because you put the symbols for ?strength?, ?power?, and ?donkeydick? on your car doesn?t mean you have any of that. So, officially, from me to you, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
THE GUY AT THE GYM WORKING OUT NEXT TO ME THAT WANTS TO TELL ME THE REASON WHY HE CAN?T LIFT ANYTHING MORE THAN THE BAR is because..... BLAH BLAH BLAH. I hurt my shoulder too, buddy. But the thing you need to realize is I don?t care how much anyone else lifts. And I certainly don?t care that you used to lift twice as much before the injury. I didn?t ask, so you should tell. Hey, isn?t that your friend over there flexing in the mirror. Shouldn?t you go spot him so the veins on his head don?t burst? Yeah, that?s it, go away. And on the way over there, consider the value of taking a minute to SHUT THE FUCK UP. You over-tan, hairless monkey. There are 1000 reasons why someone can lift more than you and just because I am stronger AND right next to you does not mean I want the 8 you have. Please don?t start speaking to me, but on the off chance that you have already, well, I guess you better just shut the fuck up.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION ADVOCATES. ?Everyone is the same and should be treated the same and should act the same and be the same.? Also, ?Diversity is so great because when things are diverse than you get a diverse experience which is better than a non-diverse one for very diverse reasons.? CAUTION: You just made no sense. Oh my god, my head is going to explode. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP! How do you people reconcile your logic? How can we treat everyone the same and think about everyone the same if schools and companies are giving preferences to people because of their color? This does not promote your main goal of equality. You liberal fucks. You hippie tree-huggers. You communist bastards. You pinko freaks. Take a shower once a week. I think your fumes are going to your head. I agree ¾ racism is bad. All of it. So just make judging people by the color of their skin illegal, period. Then, when that is taken care of, and everybody thinks like you, you can sit down, relax and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
GIRLS THAT SAY ?I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT.? Actually, keep saying that. DO NOT shut the fuck up. I love hearing that. It translates directly in my mind to ?You are totally getting laid tonight.? I have tried to figure out the psychology behind this one, but, alas, how fruitless. Maybe they don?t want you to think they are easy. Maybe they really think they aren?t at that point. Maybe they really want to and are trying to convince themselves. Who knows? But the bottom line is, YOU ARE LYING. Once you have two more cherry amaretto sours, each containing almost 3 times the alcohol in one sip of beer, and are (these are air quotes here) ?hammered? and need me to give you a ride, we?ll see how long you are singing that tune. ?I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT.? Apparently, I am supposed to think, Well gee, maybe she means that if I take her out sometime, she will sleep with me. Maybe I am supposed to think that she has to be in love first. Who knows? But what I really think is ?SCORE. Done.? So if you want some advice, if you don?t want to have sex, don?t bring it up. Or bring it up and get nailed. Either way, I would prefer if you would just try to bring yourself to the point where you can safely and easily SHUT THE FUCK UP.
and i even pretended to be from cnn doing a documentary 
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