IwantU.com wants you to win $2600 in this thread !!!

Sounds dirty.

Hey Tala, what times of the day do you have classes? Maybe we can arrange to have lunch together once a week.

I've lost count. Where the hell are we?

At the end of this thread we will be at 1000

MWF: 9a-11a
T: 9a-11a and 3p-8p
Tr: 9a-11a and 3p-5p

going to each some lunch.. be back later

At the end of the thread we will be at least 5k. The end of the page is 1k.

Fuck.

Wana have lunch at 11 T/Thurs?

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
























The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man

****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling****.
























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Be Observant
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on
'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have
to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar
and put it into his mouth.
His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that they were, the jar was
passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into
the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook
his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would
have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and
my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Bump for IwantU :P Good luck with the contest

Gorilla Tactics
A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in
her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.

When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy
asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," she replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to climb
this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the
tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the
gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree
before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua".

LOL! Thats a good one coolone!

The Theory of Intelligence
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

These are great. I wonder where he got them?

Sure. Meet at the south patio of the UC or just inside the UC if it's raining or snowing or too cold to stand outside.

Oh hey!!! Check it out!! I'm over 100 posts!!

Sure thing. Will make me get up at a decent hour since my classes don't start until 12.

CHANGING THOSE LIGHTBULBS... COLLEGE STYLE



How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb in the South?

At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any ivy leaguer.

At Georgia it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and get instructions.

At Florida it takes four. One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.

At Ole Miss it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU it takes seven. And each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.

At Kentucky it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Tennessee it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.

At Mississippi State it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, "GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!"

At Auburn it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At South Carolina it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have good football team.

At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

Congratulations, you little whore, you.

THE STUDENT'S ANSWER



The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

You suck.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

You can't argue with that!

And remember: Magellean circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.

SOCIO-MATH PROBLEMS FOR SAN FRANCISCO STUDENTS



1). Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 1/2 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?

2). Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?

3). Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?

4). Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?

5). The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?

6). A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?

7). George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?

8). There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?

9). If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?

10). Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?

Advanced Placement Students Only

11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option?

a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.

nice thread

Well after hearing that please do not shake anything, if she is leaving there is a reason

Its good to be a senior.

A COLLEGE STUDENT'S JOB APPLICATION



NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED hahahahahahahahahaha
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

MAKING THE TEAM



A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Why are you wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"

how many post so far?

THE HEIST



A Tennessee graduate and a Bama graduate decided to rob a bank together. The Bama man plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the UT guy extensively.

The robbery begins. The Bama man drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the Vol, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said the Vol.

The Vol goes in the bank while the Bama man waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . .Seven minutes pass and the Bama guy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes the Vol. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the Bama man says, "Man, I thought you understood the plan!"

The Vol said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said the Bama man. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"


I hope these few joke made ya all laugh

984 only 515 to go till the next prize

Oooo! Naughty girl!

Very funny dude!

The only jokes I can think of are Jeff Foxworthy jokes.

<-----------

Same senario every time. 400 drunks trying to act like they're not drunk. One guy is the spokesman for the group.

dizzam, this is a busy thread...


we at 1k yet?

Wooh!

getting closer...

It's the cops! Shut up y'all! Put your shirt on, Peggy!

much closer...

kiye

1k?

Alright now yall be quiet, let me do the talking. Welcome back Officer Michtal! Don't shoot! *holds up hands* I told him don't shot *snicker* I told him don't shoot.

everyone sleeping today?