Tips for taking a crap at work...

wait until everyone has left the bathroom before you let em rip!

If the restroom has air freshner, spray it first before taking a dump.

i have lots more....

Don't do it. Never at work.

never be embarrased about being loud. make sure when you come out you give everyone the details and make a joke out of it.

keep a digi cam handy...


you never know when a price-worthy specimen will come out

Look for one of those single washrooms instead of the ones with the stalls...

Always crap when you are on the clock.

flush twice

take a pic and upload it to http://www.ratemypoo.com

that site is always a good thread killa

Thats my philosophy.. I can count on 1 hand the number of dumps I have not taken at home or in my hotel room or whatever.

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

okay this is kind of related, its not a tip but this what really happened,

I was at my workplace with a couple of freinds and the next person was coming to releive me from my shilft. I told my friends to hide in another office in the same building. When this guy came to releive me i left to pick them up and i smelled something bad. They were laughing like crazy. Anyways it turns out that one of the guys had to take a shit bad, so he just took a shit in one of the offices!

That is fucking nasty!

We have a single room bathroom so thats not a worry. courtesy flush bahh. lol

ALWAYS flush your first drops, makes it smell less.

Holy shit!!! Thats fucking great. Hopefully it was the office of the person that knowone likes. Oops. That could be bad. Office Space anyone.

Those are the best bathrooms if you ask me. I love places where they even have a key to it, helps keep things clean.

'

fuckin hilarious!

what grosses me out is when i go to a public bathroom, open the stall door and find a toilet flooding over with a pile of crap

At home? In your hotel room? WTF? There's nothing wrong with that? I don't get it!

Please don't remind me, that is fucking gross, and that is why i dont really use public bathrooms.

Only got me thinking.. So where is the right place to take a crap?

Hehe yeah it was this lady's space, she was a friend of a boss, she got promoted in less then a month of working for that company. she got the worst of it in the end!

That is hilarious, just what I needed!

This is fucking great

I think you are mis-reading me..

Meaning I can count on one hand the number of times I have taken a crap at someplace that wasn't mine like home or a hotel room.

I'm the master of holding it.

Same here, except for a hotel room. Hope the people downstairs in the shower can hear it.

Holding is not good for your health! That could lead to, ah fuck nevemind, hold it.

Gotta keep the sphincter muscles strong.

yeah, but what if you're holding one in and a rowdy buddy comes up and pops you in the stomach?