Worst foot in your mouth...

Friend of my father's had been struck in the head with an axe as a child (his brother was splitting wood, the head flew off (the axe, not the brother ;)) and sconed this poor kid. He was as smart as, jsut had a speech impediment.

He rang up one night when I was expecting a call from a friend, and nautrally I mistook him for me fried speaking in a goofy voice. I will forever be haunted by saying "Cmon, drop the goofy voice dave", and getting the reply
"it's charlie, not dave"

I once told a fat person that I would kill myself if I was fat. Then I looked right at their fat gut hanging over their belt and then I looked back up at their face.
They looked like they were going to cry. I felt bad but I didn't say anything else. I just said, "I'm going to go buy a salad" and I walked away.

thats pretty bad

These are fucking hilarious! Keep 'em coming!

When I was in 8th grade I was on the bus and I told a girl I'd only known for a couple of weeks that my family couldn't stand Jehova's Witnesses because they'd always come around at dinnertime trying to bother us while we were eating and she said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness." Oops.

My mother was at a funeral of a man who hung himself. When she approached the children, she said, "HANG in there."

She wasn't sure if she offended them but she really felt bad.

Whenever I go out to the bars with my girlfriends, we invent "bar personas," complete with fake names and phone numbers, and stick to em most of the night.
One night I was at a club and our bar personas were rockstars. We met these guys who wanted to buy us a drink. As we were outside talking, they asked us what we did for a living. We told them we were in a punk band, that I sang and my friend played bass, and that we were on tour. THey asked us our band's name and I said, "alcohol by volume," first thing which popped into my head, which happens to be my friends' real local band. ( Of course I thought they were unheard of)
We went on and on about being on the road and being in a band, and then we asked the guys what they did. Turns out these guys were musicians, and they were in a band from Ventura who had played with the REAL Alcohol By Volume the night before. I was so embarrassed it was all I could do to keep from laughing as we thanked them for the drink and walked away.

once on a service call I came in and this guy has a patch
over his eye and its looks bad. So I made a mental note
not to say anything about it. As luck would have it I needed
to go to my car and leave some of my tools on the floor
so as I went out the door I said you him "keep an eye on
my stuff for me will you" Duh......

Another time, I was downtown when a blind guy approached and asked me for help. After I took time explaining where all the buildings are (so he could make his way around) I started to walk away and I said, "See you later" and he said, "Not if I see you first."

For some reason I felt bad but I also thought, "Mother fucker . . . I just spent time telling you shit and you are going to try to make me feel like an ass."

So I sprayed him with mace and took off running!

This happened many years ago, but I still remember it vividly: Lunch time at the place I worked, and I went into the staff resaurant to find a bunch of my friends sat around a table looking particularly miserable. I wnet up to them and said "cheer up you miserable bastards - who died?".

One of the girls at the table burst into tears - she had found out a few minutes earlier that her grandfather had just died, and the others were trying to comfort her while her dad came to pick her up from work...

i made a mistake somewhere public, and some uppity girl points and laughs and said, damn i think you've just made the world's worst faux pas.

Amusingly, she pronounced it FORKS PASS so i winked back is everyone chuckled.

I had a black male aquaintence in Texas...just friends, anyhow he was always after my ass so one day I turned to him and said "Gawd! What is it with *you people* and big asses?"

Well I seriously didn't mean anything racist by it but he didn't like the "you people" much - never talked to him again.

Damn those people sure are touchy!

OMG, you just reminded me of this time I was taking a Greyhound bus with my two oldest boys. We got off the bus at one of the scheduled stops to grab some food and the line was so long we didn't get to get anything because the stop was only 15 minutes and the line was like 30 minutes long.

We went to get back on the bus and there were two buses with the city we were going to on the sign and they were parked right beside each other, so I asked one of the drivers, "This is the right bus, isn't it?"

He glared at me and said, "What? You think we all look alike or something?"

My face turned SO red because that wasn't it at all. I didn't know if he was our driver or not. Honestly, I hadn't paid any attention to what he looked like at all. In fact, I'm not sure I had even noticed what race he was because he got onto the bus after we did and we were sitting in the very back of the bus. The only thing that really made me realize he was even male was his voice on the speaker making announcements. It was a crowded bus and I had two loud kids with me (small children). I swear that if the driver had been a skinny old white lady I would have asked if it was the right bus if there was a fat, bald chinese man standing there.

I really felt horrible that I'd offended him, but I knew there was no way I could explain it to him, so we just got on the bus without saying anything.

Last good foot in the mouth was while troubleshooting a network for a client, they had this real type A asshole/client who when he'd visit the office, would basically give himself admin rights on their network, and add shit to the main production machine that worked for him, but more often than not broke shit elsewhere.

So I am fixing this guy's various little fuckups and no one is up front minding the store, so I am stuck answering their phones, while calling a friend at the ISP trying to change passwords this dork has changed so he can access both their network and use the service at home too.

So a call comes thru and its none other than this guy, so I put him on hold, (or so I thought I did), it ended up becoming a three way call, for about two minutes I am telling my buddy in the security department of this ISP about all the various fuck ups I am having to fix, how this and that is broken, why this asshole can't leave the network fucking alone, stop uploading this fucking shareware shit that slows their already slowass network to a crawl, and then I hear another voice on the line... which I notice is lit up as I am the only person in the office, and in a VERY defensive voice...

What asshole are you talking about?!?

wh00ps!!!