I've just lost the woman I've loved for almost ten years

Someone else mentioned that. I've been seeing the movie in stores for years and I may have seen bits and pieces of it. Perhaps if I ever feel like turning on the TV again, I will give it a shot.

SpaceAce

Thanks, Amber. Everyone keeps telling me how it will get better and I know in my brain that that should be true but my heart doesn't believe it, yet. I am so crushed right now that I'm even having trouble breathing at times. I feel tense and constricted and unhappy. I am trying my hardest to focus on work but that only takes my mind off things for brief periods.

SpaceAce

In the interest of truth, I think I should mention that one of the problems is I didn't make her feel like a queen. I wasn't mean to her (never intentionally, anyway, although I know I did things that hurt her feelings - no one is perfect and we all say and do things we regret) and I didn't ignore her or mistreat her but somehow she came to believe I was bored with her and found her less attractive than I used to. It's not true, I am not bored with her and I still find myself very much attracted to her. I wish I did not.

SpaceAce

take it one day at a time and dont make any rash decisions, dont jump into a new realtionship too soon but then again dont wait forever, try to make some friends you can spend time with to keep your mind off of things when you can, i know it is hard but you must try, there will be another woman in your life that will be just as good to you all you have to do is try to find her

Any update yet? Hang in there, and for my own little 2 cents, if you ever even let this woman touch you again, you are doing the wrong thing in my book, for what little it is worth. Stay strong.

Thanks, I hope you're right. I find it hard to believe that I will get two chances at someone who can be as good to me and for me as Alana was, though. I hope I am wrong.

SpaceAce

Her massively delayed flight just got in and she will be home soon. All I can think of is her having spent the weekend fucking some other guy. I think I am going to puke.

SpaceAce

ok now is the hardest time of all .. stay strong.. try to act as calm ..and controlled as possible.. shes expecting you to be begging her probably .. avoid it at all costs,
these things will all just make it worse, just be strong
hit me up on icq if you need someone to talk to while shes there.

Thank you Blondie. I will try.

SpaceAce

As much as it sucks, thats exactly what you need to be thinking about when you see her. Don't let it slip your mind for a second. Sad but true. Make sure you give us an update when you can...

I wonder if you're right ?
Maybe....

I'm close to 40, been with the same girl for over 5 years now (was divorced).
I think i wouldn't be able to handle it.

Oh yeah Space Ace
Don't do stupid things ok ?
Think twice about EVERYTHING you do/say etc... for the next 24 hours


Ayoye

How's it going?

That has got to be one of the sweetest tributes to a love gone astray that I have ever read. I hope she finds her way to this post and realizes that sometimes you don't have to see things to know that they're there.

Find comfort in knowing that when you're down, the only way to go is up, slowly but surely things change.

Yeah, she fucked him. Surprise, surprise, when I asked her if she felt the love and tenderness and togetherness that she does when I make love to her, the answer was that those things were missing. So, how it's going is that the woman I love went and gave away the most personal and precious thing she has, something that has always been between us, and got fucked. She gave him the pussy, he took it and even though she now knows that it isn't the same and that what we have is missing with him, she claims to believe she is in love with him. She claims to believe we are just friends, now, but at the same time admits that all the things that were missing when she got fucked by this other guy are there when we're together. If you want to get fucked, get fucked, but don't lie to yourself and say it's something it's not: he doesn't love her and she doesn't love him. She wants to believe she does but it's clearly not true.

I had to know for my own peace of mind whether she had taken that last step. I think I deserved to know because it's been making me sick all weekend and knowing one way or the other can help me make my own decisions. I also asked her whether he was everything she hoped he would be, whether the trip was everything she hoped it would be and the answer is that it was "not quite" everything she hopes it would be.

She wants my forgiveness for the way things happened but she claims not to regret what she did. She claims to regret hurting me but not to regret flying off and getting her pussy tapped by someone she'd never even been on a date with until she flew out there. The first time she and I ever had sex, she called me that night in tears asking if I loved her but now she claims to be OK with giving it away to someone when that love is clearly not there. I asked her whether, if she knew then what she knows now, she would still have taken the same path and refused to give me a chance to fix things and she says no, she would have given us a chance to fix things. But she still claims not to regret what she did. Oh, and she still says she's in love with him. I say: Bullshit, the tenderness and togetherness with him are missing for a reason, that reason being thatthey are not in love. I say she came home melancholy for a reason. I say that, whether or not she wants to admit it, the reason she would do things differently if she had the chance is because she now knows she made the wrong choice.

Too bad for both of us the realization came too late. It's a good thing her new stunt cock lives far away because I've hurt people before and I am definitely capable or murder in this case.

The worst, sickest, most twisted part of it all is that I still want her. I know she flew off and fucked someone else and I know she chose to hurt me and kill everything we had for a dick and a weekend in Columbus but I still want her. I hope she got everything she wanted because she sure gave up a lot to get it.

SpaceAce

Good point, Fabien, I think I could already have benefited from this but there were some questions I wanted answered immediately. I am going to try and keep my cool from now on.

I guess one good thing is that I am sure as hell not begging, anymore.

SpaceAce

I know I made mistakes and I understand what could cause her to think she needed to leave but I also knew what the result would be. I knew she would not get what she wanted and I knew that this man was not everthing she had built him up to be in her mind. Now, of course, when things have gone too far and the big mistakes have been made, she knows she was wrong but she will never say, "I was wrong and I made the wrong choice. I wish I had tried to work things out." Instead, she will give me doubletalk about regretting the hurt she caused but not regretting her actions while at the same time saying she would change her actions (the ones she doesn't regret) if she could.

This should never have been a story of love gone astray, this should have been a story of the redemption of love.

SpaceAce

That's the spirit. You'll be fine, just wait and see.

damn. I feel for ya man. As everyone says, stay calm and do not do anything you will regret later.

I wish that there was something we could do to help but that is why heartbreak is so painful: you have to go through it alone. Be strong. A valley of misery is usually set between two mountains of joy.

You will make it up this mountain.

Wanting her still and loving her is totally normal.

Having been through a good part of your story in my own life or having seen my girlfriends do the same mistakes, I can tell you that right now, she just wants to kill the relationship. All this time she hasn't been telling you how she feels or how your actions/non-actions have made her feel, she's created a whole book of drama and in her mind, she finished the soap opera by herself. She's not in love with this guy - been there, seen that - she needed to vent, he listened and was nice to her (for his own motives) but she'll become a problem with his daily routine soon enough. Right now she feels strong and on top of the world, but soon enough she'll realize it was truly just a weekend fuck. If she's a smart cookie, she'll take some time to put everything in perspective and think things through before she continues into a downward spiral of desperate mistakes.


If you find the strength within yourself to weather this storm, try not to be judgemental (as hard as that is going to be) don't give her any guilt trips. Try to communicate in a soft tone, even if you see she is stabbing your relationship and love to pieces. If you find it within yourself to forgive her and take her back, you're more of a man than most men will ever be.

My non-educated guess is that she's feeling the strains of the move she imposed on you, you not 'needing' her as you have in the past, the new position, not being in control as she used to at the other job (or maybe not being recognized as she was there) - her decisions, she's not too content with them so she blames it on the relationship. Happens to the best of relationships - the outcome depends on the communication during the storm.

Good Luck to you - if you need anything let me know

SpaceAce, you're one strong and brave motherfucker. You'll make it through this, and you'll be better off because of it. The invite is still open whenever you need to chat.

Hi, Trixxia, I think most of what you said is right on but there are two differences between what you wrote and what I believe is happening:

1) She is clearly not feeling strong and on top of the world. She looked sad the second she walked in the door and was speaking quietly. The first thing she did was come over to my chair and tell me she wants my forgiveness for hurting me. I think the reality of her mistake is settling on her and she feels bad but at the same time doesn't want to give up the little fantasy she built around this other guy.
2) I don't think she believes I "need" her less; I think she believed I _wanted_ her less. She's afraid that all I had for her was a codependance or that I just wanted someone to lean on. It is true that I depended on her very much and I wanted her to depend on me for the things I could provide but I also genuinely love her and I was never bored with her. I don't think there is anything wrong with two people depending on each other. I wanted her to depend on me and I always thought I could depend on her.

SpaceAce

I'm waiting. Ugh, I hope it doesn't take too long.

SpaceAce

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I've heard that one before and to be honest, right now it sounds like baloney but maybe some day I'll be able to see that it was true. I sure hope so.

SpaceAce

sucks...

SpaceAce,

Been in your shoes bud.

Ofcourse she crawled back to me... your girlfriend will crawl back to you, I can almost guarantee it.

However, take my advice and dont accept her back .. at least right away...


I am telling you.. I made that mistake and have paid for it for a long long time.

im so sorry you are having to go through this. i've never posted here before and i have to admit, i never thought there would be a post on gfy that would touch me enough it made me cry but yours sure did. i can sympathize and empathize. have been through some nasty shit myself. again, im truly and deeply sorry. sounds like she is making a tremendous mistake. time will help. i wish the best for you!

Watch the movie swingers - its so true.

Each time you wake up, it will hurt less, until one day it won't hurt at all - time heals all.

For now, if you are financially stable - get the hell out of there. The two of you living together is bad news..

AND - there still is hope, but also as the movie swingers says - "She may come back, but you cannot do anything to make her come back. You can only do things that would make her NOT want to come back" -- ya follow.

move out, go on with your life, maybe she'll miss you and want to get back together, but that'll be the only way.

Man, I am really sorry to hear that. I've been in situations like yours though not nearly for the amount time. The most I can say is I am sorry that you are going through this. I am not really sure what else to say besides I am sorry and that I really hope that you manage to find happiness.

It'll be hard to accept this right now but I think she doesn't deserve you at all. And I hope someday, you'll be able to love again and meet the right woman for you.

She'd be homeless if she did that to me. She'd be homeless the very second she walked out the door on the way to the airport. Locks would be changed and so would the answering machine message, with a new chick's voice on it. Throw some other chic's clothes in the closet and some personal items in the bathroom, so she can see the shit when she does eventually get into the house.

This is Vegas, you shoulda had some strippers walking out as she was walking in, while you were sitting on the couch naked.

Fuck with her head and emotions like she did yours.

As a matter of fact, when she gets home from work, be walking out the door and just say see ya later. Do it every night. Dont tell her where you are going, just say you're going out. Stay gone till 3am every time. Never give an explanation, you owe her nothing. When you get back and she's sitting up wanting to know where you've been, just say hey I'm tired so shut up.

She'll break down after a few nights of this. When she says she wants things like they were before, say that guy died... this is the new you. Buy a motorcycle but dont ever let her ride. Get a post office box and have your mail forwarded to it, and make sure she knows about it. Get the newspaper, circle ads for apartments and leave it laying on the table. Casualy mention a great job offer in LA that you may be taking.

Be a totaly different person, it will really fuck with her head.

Get the control of the situation back.

The only reason you are still wanting her is just because it hurts so bad. You'll get over it, but you'll never be able to forget it. This relationship is permanantly damaged. Get out while you can.

There has to be a mutual respect, or there can be none at all. And bro she didnt respect you.

Oh and while you're still living there, stop paying your share of the bills. Let her pay for the shit.

Oh and be very thankful that you guys dont have kids together.

Yes GFY can still do that ! Sorry to hear about the problem, Best of luck with the future.

100% PURE BULLSHIT.

SpaceAce, I really hope you don't buy into these feely-good through rose colored glasses some of these people are trying to spin your situation into. Comments above seem geared for no other purpose than to try and create an atmosphere where cheating is ok... try to almost "brainwash" a guy into being ready to be cheated on and just accept it, trying to create a path where a person can cheat and still expect to get to come back to you.

Absolute bullshit. There is no room for reconciliation here. There is no room for communication towards an end goal of getting back together. To say otherwise is to try and sugarcoat the truth, or to try and create a comfort zone for other would-be cheaters. You know this to be true, I am sure of it.

I'm sorry for being brutally honest, but it's for a reason. You need the TRUTH, not that kind of horseshit above. Can you even for a minute fathom the complete and total lack of respect this woman will have for you, for the rest of your lives together, if you take her back after she went off and let another man pump her full of loads of hot cum? You'd be a worse joke to her than the most pathetic creature on the face of the earth. To do anything other than kick this woman to the curb as fast as humanly possible will show her you deserve less respect than a pile of dogshit.

Good luck bro... I know it's going to be tough, but the ONLY option here is to tell her you want her and her property out of your place in 24 hours (or something similar) and that you don't want anything to do with her. And let me know if you want to talk about this 1 on 1. This isn't macho bullshit, I'm telling you straight the truth. There is such a thing as principal and dignity, and it's time to step up to the plate my friend.

And to those of you trying to use this guy's situation to foster an atmosphere of acceptance of cheating... go fuck yourselves. There is no greater betrayal on the face of the earth than what this woman has done to SpaceAce.

EXCELLENT Post!

SpaceAce its over bro, just forget it
If she had put 1% of the effort and the crying you did, everything would have been ok. But she didn't, she doesn't respect you, and the 10 years you spent together for her now is "a waste of time"

Ace--

these last posts are absolutely right.....

You loved her but now IT IS OVER. You can't get back with her. Not after she did this.

GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PLACE AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

she cannot be trusted.

DON'T DO ANYTHING. Don't yell, threaten, beg, go after the guy, nothing....just get her out of your place.....you keep everything.


The worst thing you can do to someone is to treat them like they don't matter, or don't exist----these two don't matter....get them out of your life and your head.

BEST PART: He's going to do the same thing to her as she did to you.

Speaking from experience - I shut the door and did what you guys are telling him to do - what did it give me? Many years of frustration because ultimately my ex did change and I didn't give him a chance to even go over the idea again. I couldn't take it out of my mind - what else did it cause me? Another 5-6 years of more painful relationships that were spiraling me worse that what I had to begin with. Yes, after many years of pain I did find my perfect match - the puzzle piece that fits into mine - but let me tell you, it was a very long suffering road to get there.

My new marriage is way better - but I went through in between was the ultimate in emotional torture.

I'm just suggesting he not be as rash and unaccepting as I was. What he describes as a relationship seems way better than what I had to start with - so maybe it will be worth it for him. Maybe not. The other thing is that if this was one of the greatest loves of his life, better he understand it as it comes to an end than start up a new one and live another ten years thinking things are right and the girl just walk and leave him standing stunned and baffled again.

I'm not suggesting her screwing someone was right or to be tolerated. What I want him to see is that the physical part isn't the threat - the threat you should all be warned about is the emotional one.

Unless you've lived it and came out without a scratch - or are presently in his shoes, don't assume that the 'textbook' answer of 'kick her out to the curb' will be the answer. In certain situations it may be the best, in others it may not - it's up to him to assess what he can accept, what he can forgive and what he's willing to sacrifice in order to make it better for HIMSELF.

The difference is, he isnt female.

How do you think us guys got like this? Cause your breed made us this way. It just happened to us earlier than it did to him.

We're just trying to save our bro some more pain and aggravation that we had to learn the hard way.

There's a billion women out there. This one fucked up. Run her thru the woodchipper and try another one.

Cute. Blame the other 'breed'.

I say take responsability for your faults or lack of nurturing in a relationship too. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to build it and only one to destruct it. Understanding the dynamics or your role in this position & very complicated team, makes you more prepared for the future, with the same girl or with a new one. Knowing how it all came together and how it fell apart is a life lesson you'll learn to appreciate in the future - whether with the same woman, the next or many after that. Depends on what's best for him.

Sure, don't cry over spilled milk - just pour yourself another glass and get chocolate chip cookies this time. However, if you didn't notice that the way your leg is placed under the table tips the glass each and everytime, you'll just keep collecting spilled milk and shattered glass.

Throwing it all away right now will just make him bitter towards her and any woman who'll approach him for the next while. It may also be the downfall for every other 'possibly good' relationship he may encounter.

I just know that if it should ever happen to me again - I'd look at things much differently - not that I'd accept an ongoing affair but that I'd be looking at the situation with a whole different view this time around.

Then again, what do I know - I'm the 'other breed'

I've been there before. It's not an easy pill to swallow but things will get better in time. Best of luck to you.

well space ace.... just no word about.. no way to help you, just wait until you recover from that.

Samuel

Word up

honestly mate, been there exactly. it gets better, promise

word!!!

the girl goes off... disrespects you... throws away 10yrs for a weekend... cant live with her guilt ... asks u for forgiveness..so the next time she goes out and visits the guy.. she wont feel AS guilty?

wtf?

"u cant have ur cake n eat it too!!!"

selfish, disrespectful, and undeserving.... dont give her any emotional comfort.. just let her toil in her guilt .. let it drive her crazy ....

keep your head up bro!!

Well if you think about it, most of us were raised by women, and most of us are fucked up.

i think you guys really love that girl..

i know its hard but you need to just let her the fuck go man - you have waaaaaaaaay too much honor here and she's probably aware of that

no sense living a lifetime of bullshit rehashing an event that you can hurt once and leave by the roadside

women are weird

You are correct - try understanding the relationship you had with your mother - you'll most likely find the answers why you choose the women you choose (whether it be a conscious or subconscious choice) you'll understand why - and change it if you don't like the results.

Update needed. We must have closure!