I've just lost the woman I've loved for almost ten years

True love is RARE - to the point where most don't think it even exists.


but it does.


if she has to go - and you truly love her- then you have to let her go. True love is unconditional and acepting and is felt by both parties - not just one.

I know that feeling, and there is nothing that anyone can say to ease that blackness that you feel in the bottom of your stomach right now. That dark acidic feeling in your stomach will be there for a few months.

A lot of wise posters have said "give it time to ease the pain", and while that is very true, it doesn't help you right now. It won't help you feel any better after you wake up from the many dreams of happiness you'll have of her. You just have to deal with the sinking pain of reality when you wake from those happy dreams until they go away in time... and they will.

Stick it out. You'll do your 3, 6, 9 months of suffering. You'll find that in some random morning during that time, you'll wake up and actually be *happy*, believe it or not. Then soon after, it'll be happiness for 2 days in a row. It gets better from there on out, but it'll suck before you get to that point.

There will be a day in your future when you meet another woman for the first time, and you'll know exactly why you waited through all of the pain you're feeling now. Trust me, it's worth it, even though you cannot possible see that happening right now.

Best wishes to you.

VERY good point. And it's one of the hardest things to accept and to say.

If you truly love her, her happiness is your most important goal, and if being happy means leaving you, than as absolutely painful and heart-wrenching as it may be, you have to let her go.

Once again... it's one of the hardest things to accept.

But you know what? If you truly are meant to be together, if she really is your soulmate, then things will work out. If things don't work out, then that's what meant to be, and it only means you're going to find someone else out there, as hard as it may be to imagine, that you love even more than her.

I don't know you from jack, but after reading your sad tale, I just have to say one thing:

Thank you.

I have a wife whom I love deeply, but whom I sometimes take for granted (who doesn't do that sometimes after being with someone for 9 years?)... your story hit me up side the head and reminded me in excruciating detail how grateful I should be of what we have. While I don't *THINK* there's any chance of her just up and saying "I'm leaving", your situation proves that things aren't always what they seem. It's easy to develop tunnel vision, fixating on the minutiae of day to day life, the job, the bills, the whatever... and miss out on the important stuff.

So if there's any consolation to be taken from your current state of affairs, know that your courage at talking about it (especially in this den of misanthropes and malcontents) may save my relationship from a similar fate... and maybe others too.

... and Neitzche said it best... What does not destroy me, makes me strong.

Man, you'll get through your ordeal, believe me. With so many friends and supporters behind you, espescially from GFY, nothing can go wrong. Take care, man.

You are not the only one that got that smack upside the head.



SpaceAce --

Sorry to hear about the pain you are presently going through. There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. You are in my thoughts and I hope brighter days find you sooner rather than later.

Here's something I thought was very well written about losing a soulmate, its kind of long but touching.


When we are born it begins a journey. Along the way on this long winding path we eventually end up seeking many things. One of which is love. In the beginning, it is from our Mother & Father, then our family, community and so on. Eventually, assuming everything goes right, we begin to find we have a void within us, which other forms of love can't seem to fill.

We have all known loneliness, a dark emptiness within our soul which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel like we are apart of nothing, just drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination, nor land in sight. At times despair is like our wet clothing as we shiver cold and alone in the darkness. To distract ourselves we dream of "The One" and how they will lift our spirits and take away the emptiness, this absence of life.

For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to this darkness. But as humans, sometimes we are by this time so starved to be "touched" that we unknowing make compromises which, if we were rational we would not make. Thus the saying. "Blinded by love ". Because, of these compromises, we may never find our true predestined love.

Many of you now, are not in a "Soulmate" relationship. The truth is you got tired of waiting and you settled for the best "offer" at the time. This was your choice, and now is your Karma. But in your heart, in your soul you know if someone is your Soulmate, for it goes beyond just love. It is a form of joining.

When you meet your, (SM) this person will have an instantaneous effect on you. A Soulmate is someone who makes your knees go weak and you want to catch your breath. With but a single glance they lesson your burden and but a smile, warms your heart. You will feel a sense of connection ( affinity ) with this person. They will touch you so deeply on so many levels, you will want to share you inner most secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel like almost like a god. Once you have met your (SM) for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same.

One of the things which makes this experience unique is the sense of a meaningful spiritual experience. You both feel like this is to be and that you've been together before in a past incarnation. Normally for some, it is several months, weeks or days before physical intimacy (sex) occurs. But when you meet your (SM) something happens, the pull or drive to become physically intimate overwhelms many, and one finds it happening basically in the initial meeting. There's a sense of safety with this person. You knowingly let go of you're defenses as an empathic like bond is formed. Unlike other relationships, in the past, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas which plagued you in the past.

The universe is a funny place, don't be surprised if your Soulmate is older or younger. SoulMate's don't care about age. How much older or younger ? From my observations, expect years like 7 to 20. In a true (SM) relationship it wont matter, if anything it will make you stronger. Life is not neat, nor has it ever been. So why should it start now ?

There is something about the Passion you share with an (SM). It goes beyond just " body parts". For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe. Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one. Your personal energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summers day. Soon you begin to lose track, of where you begin and your partner ends. From within the depths of your raw passionate union, your (SM) will know how and where to touch you. It will be different, intense and more gratifying than lovers of your past.

They will look into your eyes and you will feel your soul open wide. For some people, there is the "Rush". All the love, all the lust, all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a prison. At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone's eyes. You will experience a touch you have never felt before and your lust will rise to new levels. Often, in the case of true Soulmates. you can get so carried away you can actually hurt yourself. ( I know.. she caused me to pull several muscles one night) But in the end as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not sex. "Sex, simply doesn't feel this good."

To put it simply, your (SM) will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will be able to match.

It is within our nature as human beings to fuck things up. The very thing which makes Soulmate love so special, is also the one thing which can bring it down. The simple fact is, the unparalleled love & passion is terrifying to many people.

We learned how to have relationships from our parents or primary care giver. If your primary care givers relationships were dysfunctional, then chances are so are yours. There are many people in this world who in relationships maintain an extreme amount of emotional control. They take pride in the fact their partner is madly in love with them. By being able to "wrap them around their finger" they feel safer. Thus, all their relationships become based on this pattern. Then one day their (SM) comes along and wham ! Quickly they discover the control over their heart and the relationship is gone. Now they must relate on a level playing field, and for many, they run.

For those of you who are runners let me tell you what you already know. it doesn't work. You can move to the other side of the planet, marry some else and fill your spare time up with some cause. But the simple truth is, your (SM) will be there in your soul. No matter how hard you try, no matter how busy you make yourself, everyday they will enter your thoughts. So then many try and fuck them out, But that doesn't work either, for it becomes just sex and as you lay there afterwards you will feel empty and cheated.

A good measure of this, is simple test. After you have just made love with the person who you are using as a safe substitute, do find yourself wanting to "get away" from them ? A kind of, " Ok.. I got off, now get away from me feeling " ? This is assuming of course that you can still get off. In some cases your orgasms are just barely, if your lucky. When you were with your (SM) didn't you feel the need to remain close, to pull each tightly and melt into each other ? That's the difference, and one which is very hard to hide from yourself.

If you run, then you've made the conscious choice to doom yourself and the other person to be haunted for the rest of your lives. Sure, eventually you may fall in love with someone who fits your preconceived image or expectation ( cute, rich or successful ) of what your partner should be. But as time moves on you never forget, you always wonder and then eventually you regret. I have a saying:

" A person who risks nothing.. Loves nothing.. Therefore, anything worth my love is worth a fight." - Magic-

The Soulmate relationship is worth putting up a fight, but there comes a time when you have done all you can and you can do no more. At some point the one who runs has to choose to stop and come to their senses. Life sadly is cruel, just as it is grand. Short of burying your child, losing your Soulmate is indescribable anguish.

It is like having half of your tender soul ripped from your body. You feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. There's a sense of panic which permeates your very being and personal existence. You find yourself saying, " never again ". You did something you never had done before, you willingly let another in, all the way.

Eventually, after the shock, the depression comes, then the anger and you just want it all to end. You wish you could just stop feeling but you can't, and no matter how much you drink, smoke or snort you can't make the pain go way. Yes, regular Love hurts too and badly. But when you lose a Soulmate, no matter how enlightened, wise, talented or strong, in both will and spirit you are; it is devastating.

Many of us sadly, fail to recover and we never truly "Love" again. Those who are really weak, try to kill themselves. Be it with a car speeding on a wet winding road after drinking, or "J" walking on 42nd St., to just taking one too many pills. The end result is the same if we succeed, suicide is suicide whether you leave a note or not.

In the end, we don't want to even see the person, because that just tares open the wound over and over. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is. Eventually, you go on with your life and you stop hating them because like you.. They'll never forget either.

Every now and then life gives us a happy ending. Sometimes, after trying to get their Soulmate out of their minds, the "runner" comes to realize what they had lost. A few are wise enough to do whatever it takes to correct the situation and get back into their SoulMates arms. Hopefully, not enough time has gone by so that the situation is salvageable. But often times it is not. All I can say is TRY. With Soulmates there is NO pride, and there CAN be forgiveness. We are destined to meet our Soulmate, what you do after that is "your" choice.

That was a very beautiful, eloquently stated post. I wish you the best. I am certain that things will go well for someone with as good a heart as you obviously have.

I am so sorry sweety..

Steve Wariner has a song that is exactly what you are going through... here's a few lines.

I didn't cheat
I didn't lie
so her leaving
took me by suprise

just a note on the table...
sayin' we're through


at first I went crazy
and it took me some time
but I finally read
between the lines

it's not what I did...
it's what I didn't do.


download it.

Steve Wariner
What I didn't do


~Ray

Im very sorry.

Good luck man. Not much more can be said here that hasn't already been said.

I know it hurts, and it will always hurt the hurt only gets smaller.

It just takes time. And this is not unlike a death. 10 years is a very long time, and anyone in the psychology field would tell you that you will go through the exact same emotions.

The only thing I can suggest to you is take the time you need to grieve, and then as they say to widows/widowers....get busy living...or get busy dying.

There's nothing wrong with how you handled this. You've done everything I would do. You sound like you've had a rough life. Loosing Alan will be incredibly hard but you have to keep your head up. I've seen high school relationships that ended the same way. They stay together for about 20 years and things just change.

Even if she does move on, she'll always love you.

My wife of 8 years pulled that on me bud. I can attest it is a very painful thing to go through. If you need to talk about anything at all don't hesitate to hit my ICQ.

---------TOUGH LOVE TIME-------

1) It's over. You do not want her back. Trust me. If she's leaving now, what do you think she would do if you became paralyzed? (happened to a freind of mine---regained mobility, but she left him in the hospital with a broken back)

2) why is it that women want men that need them LESS than the woman needs the man? I don't know, but it's true. Never let a woman know that you are into her more than she is you. Must be the sense of challenge----
--once a woman knows you are into her more than she is you (or, at least you are showing that) then she loses respect, interest, whatever...

3) don't open up your heart to her, or even the next one (until SHE DOES FIRST)......think about it: calling her up and saying "I love you so much and want you back" will never prosper. It will only hurt more.

4) toughen up. seriously. this happens to everyone---I'm not trying to be insensitive or downplay what you're going through---but this is what separates the men from the boys.....Handle this well, and you will be a stronger person (thus attracting more BETTER women). Handle this poorly, and you'll be the needy guy that women run from......

5) DO NOT CALL HER. DO NOT CALL HER.
take the attitude "damn, I'm really going to miss sleeping with you...I'm going to miss that sweet ass of yours"
I'm serious. Even say that to her. We're back to the 'challenge' thing...By saying that to her convincingly, you've regained the upper hand, your self respect and possibly hers.

women don't go for the sensitve man. They may say that, but look at who these women date---not the 'sensitive man' ... Women want the strong mysterious guy.....

Sorry to hear about your lose.
Love can hurt and I am sure you will find love again.

i accidently saw my old gf giving head to some guy in a london alleyway when I took her there, and you're crying like this about a simple breakup

suck it up, you're lucky it was honest of her atleast

Damn bro just read your first posts... that sucks.

It`s really a sad story but it is a life story and you have to survive. First time it`s like a death but time goes and pain will slowly decrease. Your heart is broken but don`t close it to other women. I`m sure that you`ll find someone better. So, hold on

Thats really a sad story and thats not an easy moment.

But, its not over. Think about it...somehow, you could date any woman in life and it could work wel, if both are willing to put some effort in it. Having respect, working with problems....anyone, or almost. BUT there is not a lot of women with whom it can be totally perfect. You said there was mistakes, fights...well, there will be something better for you.

And now you will think I'm weird, but go check that:
www.landmarkforum.com I took the course, and it can solve any problem...its really powerful, you should go to a special introduction night, you would gain a lot of energy from it. Many people that took the course with me were there to find someone...and they did, after. Some unemplyed people found 2 jobs! its just giving you the energy to go throught life.

anyways, hope you will get better soon, I know how it is, but time wash eveything away...

xxx

Thanks for the reply. It's a little tough not to wonder what I could have done differently but it's all moot, now.

SpaceAce

Wow, I don't know how I would handle a betrayal like that. Sorry you got burned so bad.

SpaceAce

Thanks, Nylz, I appreciate the reply.

SpaceAce

Wow, good memory. I do like That 70's Show and I do know which epside you're talking about. I guess if you have one kind of memory, you have both. I wouldn't want to lose the good memories.

SpaceAce

... i think i just vomited in my mouth....wait....no,...yea, i just vomited in my mouth..

You're right and in the end I didn't really try and stop her. I told her one last time as well as I could how I felt and then she walked out the door. She told me her mother said she should stay at least until our lease runs out because I might do something crazy. How ridiculous, as if I could hurt someone I love so much.

SpaceAce

Thanks, Baal. It's very tough to imagine "some day" when right now I still feel like everything is revolving around what I've lost. Like so many of you have said, though, time is what I need.

SpaceAce

WTF? is gfy turning into an emotional board...i was expecting to say she died or something...get over it, she left for something better, she just got bored with you, i didn't read that long ass post just skimmed through it, i'm glad my heart got broke at a young age now i'm COLD as ICE

this right here shows that this wasn't just something on the whim, i'm sure she was 'with' him behind your back and just deciced she rather be with him, if she could say these words after being with you for so long shows she never was happy/satisfied with you, or she's a cold bitch....

Yes, after a long time together it is easy to take someone for granted. You know you love her and you know you waant to be with her but you also know that she'll be there an hour or a day from now and so you put her off to do whatever else you need or want to do. Don't make that mistake. I didn't think my lover would ever just up and leave, either, but I was wrong. So, bookmark this thread and keep an eye on what's really important.

SpaceAce

Thanks, papichulo. I didn't realize how many supporters I would have. It's weird taking comfort from strangers but I'm glad so many people have replied.

SpaceAce

Thank you, broke. It was very strange having the bed to myself last night and waking up alone this morning. I hate to sleep alone. Hopefully that brighter day gets here soon.

SpaceAce

Thank you for the response and thank you for the pleasant prediction.

SpaceAce

I'm pretty sorry, too. Thanks for the reply.

SpaceAce

The lyrics are dead on, of course. The problem is what I didn't do but I would have done it all if I had known. I knew her so well sometimes I could almost literally read her mind and yet I managed to miss what the real issues were until it was too late.

SpaceAce

Ten years is a very long time. I don't plan to be busy dying but I'm not feeling real enthusiastic about getting out and partying right now, either.

SpaceAce

My life hasn't been so rough, I didn't mean to make it sound like that. I was just comparing this to other things I've been through. I never thought of this as a highschool romance because it really did turn into an entire life, not just a couple of kids giggling and making out in the car. Still, I guess it really did start in highschool.

SpaceAce

Reading your post made me break down in tears. I have been married for a little over 5 years. we eloped for 2 years, then had the nice military wedding.
Everything was fine at first. I was a bit jealous, but with time I matured. I let go of full scholarships to be with him where ever he was stationed.
I didn't care b/c I thought he really loved me.
Then he was stationed in Germany, and he started to change there. My husband becamse an ugly person, started yelling at me, calling me names, and pushing me around.
I have tried for the last years to be what he wants me to be...and it's not working.

I am not saying I am a perfect wife, by no means am I perfect. I have many faults. BUT, I take good care of my husband, I try to cook what he likes, I seve him, any time in of the day I give him what he wants.

For me, it's hard to let go of the person I love, my best friend, we have so many good memories. I left a few months ago, he asked me to come back and still nothing changes. He just keeps telling me I am uselss and stupid. Basically we have a lot of problems, and I am about to leave again, this time for good. It hurts me like crazy, because I don't think he loves me like when we were first married. Time changes people, and this is something I have been denying myself.

At the same time, I want a good life for him, I am not what bring happiness to him.

Anyway, I hope that your heart can heal, it probably will take time, like mine. I don't think it's easy to forget someone u shared so much with. I feel that I have helped my husband just liek ur ex helped you. When his mother has thrown him out, rejected him, I have stood by him, trying to support him, givinghim love. I don't think he appreciates anything I do. He even tells me that his mother and brother come before I do, which I have never asked him to choose them or me. They are never there for him, and he makes it clear that I am nothing.
I'm rambling now, but I hope you'll be o.k. soon. You seem to have been a good boyfriend, so don't stress this.

Take care

That's rough, man. Thanks for the offer of support.

SpaceAce

#1) I considered that exact sort of situation and I don't plan to ask her back.

#3) It's a little tough to choose who you open up to. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you.

#4) I don't think I need to toughen up. I'm sad and I'm hurt but it's not like I am on the floor tearing my hair out and cursing God. I started this thread because I needed to blow off some of the pressure I was feeling. I don't think that's a less tough way than just bottling it up.

#5) Yeah, it's funny how she was suddenly turned on every time I ran off someone hitting at her in a bar or the few times over the years that she's seen me near to physical confrontation with someone. One of the things she claims to like about this guy is that he's in a management position and she's seen him at work. Whoopty-do. I can boss people around, too, when their livelihood depends on me.

SpaceAce

Ugh, some day. Time will tell.

SpaceAce

Yeah, a simple breakup after ten years of our lives being intertwined as deeply as they could. Ten years with her as the center of my emotional universe, the only person I completely trusted and built my life around. Of course, it was also very honest of her to not tell me that she had ever found this guy attractive and to not tell me tha she felt something when he was in town. It was also pretty honest the way she started calling him behind my back and kept doing it until she had everything arranged before telling me.

I'd love to hear your definitions of "complicated" and "dishonest".

SpaceAce

Pretty badly, yes. Oh, well, done is done.

SpaceAce

I don't plan to close myself off because of this. I don't think I could if I wanted to because I'm too honest. If I started to feel strongly about another woman, I couldn't hide it from her or myself for very long. I just don't expect that to happen any time soon.

SpaceAce

That's an interesting link, misty. Thanks, I will check that out.

SpaceAce

check this woman are tricky check this i played the field homey it sounds like this. She met home boy in cleveland and probably been to his house they get into an arguement she wants to get away boom she says lets leave the area(you move to vegas). he calls her in vegas kisses ass the lovey dovey shit and shes takes him back and she cuts ties with you.point blank

I read your story Space Ace, and I'm sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I can imagine how you felt when she told you she wants you to brake up. It probably hurt more then anything coming surprisingly as this.

I just want to wish you to find a new love which will help you forget what you are going through right now, and only remember the good times of your previous love.

Hang in there SpaceAce. This is a tough point in your life, but know this, it WILL pass. Good luck

As i can see well over 200 people have already shared their little piece of mind with you, and i'm sure that i'm one of many people here, but still i'd like to say something.

I've seen things happen like this alot in my friends group. People that were having a relationship for well over three years suddenly breaking up. Why? Because they became too familiar to eachother. I can see you thinking, too familiar? Yes, too familiar. They knew eachother exactly, and i mean exactly. They knew exactly what eachother wanted, they knew what he thought, just everything.

Don't get me wrong here, i'm not blaming you or anything! You're the "victim", and she's the one that made the mistake. My guess is that she wanted to explore, go out and see what else is out there besides you. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, but with the fact that she wants to know what else is out there, how other men treat her, what else she can get at other men.

Tough time for you man, really. Keep it straight, and make sure you remember one thing:

IT WAS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU

Keep it up man, good luck in the tough period ahead.

pussy whipped thread

Nothing left to say.