Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
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Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.Comment
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[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!Comment
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[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.Comment
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[during a fishing trip]Comment
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Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.Comment
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Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.Comment
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Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.Comment
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Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.Comment
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Brian Griffin: 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.Comment
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[shudders]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.Comment
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Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.Comment
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[Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her]Comment
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Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.Comment
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Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.Comment
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Lois Griffin: Well, have to tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?Comment
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Meg Griffin: Creepy.Comment
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Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.Comment
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Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.Comment
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[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]Comment
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Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?Comment
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Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.Comment
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[runs off]Comment
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Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.Comment
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Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD.Comment
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[runs off crying]Comment
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[a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!Comment
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[to passersby]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.Comment
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Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.Comment
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Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.Comment
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Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...Comment
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[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.Comment
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Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.Comment
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[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]Comment
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Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.Comment
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[Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]Comment
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Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.Comment
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Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?Comment
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Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.Comment
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Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.Comment
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Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!Comment
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