Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
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Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?Comment
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Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.Comment
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Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.Comment
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Announcer: [For Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.Comment
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Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.Comment
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[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]Comment
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Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.Comment
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Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.Comment
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Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.Comment
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[the Jetsons parody]Comment
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Jane: Oh my God. George.Comment
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George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?Comment
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Elroy: Yeah, you...Comment
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George: Go to your room, Elroy.Comment
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Elroy: But...Comment
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George: GO TO YOUR ROOM. For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.Comment
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Jane: I'm sorry.Comment
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George: Oh 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry', I could've been killed.Comment
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[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]Comment
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Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?Comment
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Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.Comment
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Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.Comment
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Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?Comment
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[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]Comment
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Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everythingComment
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Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.Comment
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[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]Comment
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Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps.Comment
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Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.Comment
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Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.Comment
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Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?Comment
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[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]Comment
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German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.Comment
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Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.Comment
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Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...Comment
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Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...Comment
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Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.Comment
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Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.Comment
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Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.Comment
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Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.Comment
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Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)Comment
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[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]Comment
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Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?Comment
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Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.Comment
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Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.Comment
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Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".Comment
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Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...Comment
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Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".Comment
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Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?Comment
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