Remember, half the people you know are below average.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.Comment
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.Comment
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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.Comment
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.Comment
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Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.Comment
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.Comment
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.Comment
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Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.Comment
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Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!Comment
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.Comment
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Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!Comment
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If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.Comment
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.Comment
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.Comment
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A girlfriend who wears beads is always one you can count on.Comment
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?Comment
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?Comment
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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Comment
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.Comment
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.Comment
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?Comment
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.Comment
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What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?Comment
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Comment
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Comment
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If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.Comment
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To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.Comment
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Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.Comment
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A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.Comment
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Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.Comment
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I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.Comment
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Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.Comment
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People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.Comment
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Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.Comment
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Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.Comment
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.Comment
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There are two things I've learned: (1) There is a God, and (2), I'm not Him.Comment
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Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.Comment
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Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace.Comment
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Your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.Comment
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I was going to procrastinate today, but I think I'll leave that until tomorrow.Comment
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I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're both OK now.Comment
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He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke in the first place.Comment
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Never argue with an idiot. They'll pull you down to their level and then beat you with experience.Comment
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The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.Comment
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Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.Comment
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Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.Comment
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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.Comment
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Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?Comment
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