Tell a joke

This just in:

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel
heads" or "rag heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a
small sheet. So from now on please call them "little sheet heads."

A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the school dance. She
tells him to be very, very quiet as her parent are asleep upstairs and
if they wake up, she'll be in big trouble as she's not allowed to bring
boys home.

They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops
and asks, "Where's the toilet? I need to go."

She says, "It's upstairs, next to my parents' bedroom. But you can't go
there, as you'll probably wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen
instead."

He goes into the kitchen and, after a short while, he pops his head
round the living-room door and says to his girlfriend, "Have you got any
toilet paper?"

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunken Irishman.

Got Pets? Here's a notice you can tack up on the wall for them....


Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions With each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the top/bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, Because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats'
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for
you.

Tack this one up on your front door....


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, love you
unconditionally and show it, are always eager to please you, miss you when you are gone, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
results!

uh oh..

BETTER THAN A DONKEY PUNCH


Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"

You mount your woman doggy style and in the middle of having sex you
lean forward and whisper in her ear:


"Your sister is WAY tighter than you are"....

and then try to hold on for 8 seconds. <img SRC="http://members.shaw.ca/billy1-99/pics/smileyhump.gif">

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

What Red and Goes up and Down?

Oldie but goodie.....


A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since
the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby
hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three
of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before
long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left,
friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over
to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed
with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll
never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his
ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough,
she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out
of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to
her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed,
asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is
yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This
keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time,
when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't
mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use
my asshole as your fucking scoreboard?"

??

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by
startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.

Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

The next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

Not bad.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Hahah That ones funny

One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built
like a fucking tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale
force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed
shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is
absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion....... heart
stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the
highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the
road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Now...or I'll bloody kill you". So the driver turns his back on the
girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the
girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds. "Right" shouts the
highlander. "Do it again!" "But....." says the driver. "Now..." he
bellows. So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the
highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps
in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and
wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't any more -- you'll
just have to kill me," whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at
the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW
you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without
water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through
the sands,certain that he has breathed his last,when
all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the
object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID
badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know
how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the
man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway."

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides
that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful
food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful

oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs
of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by
treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and
precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish.


Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says:

"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women
will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything,
there's going to be
a string attached.

Survivor: Southern Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina.
From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.
They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay", "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Yankees!", "Smoking is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2004", "Deer Hunting is Murder", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.