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Mishi · 07-20-2004, 03:11 AM

I had to go back and break this down a little...

-Frequently wears black clothing.

What teen trend since, uh, 1970 hasn't involved wearing black?

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

See above

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.

See above, but make it 1980

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include:
reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other
Satanic worshipping symbols.

See above

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

See above, but notch it up to 1990 or so

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music.

Robert Smith is STILL a god.

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak Accentrically.

Yes, god forbid teens should associate with others like themselves. Must be a cult. (Notice rednecks never get called on this?)

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the
Bible, prayer, church or sports.

That is SO unusual for teenagers.

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.

Wait...death automatically involves Satan? Hmm...guess I'm not up on Catholocism (thank God - pun intended). The rest is just too vague to even bother with.

-Takes drugs.

Not worth commenting.

-Drinks alcohol.

Ditto above.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.

Well, yes, by all means this requires attention - but blaming "goth" or any other alternative culture is kind of counter-productive, one would think.

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.
(This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

See above.

-Complains of boredom.

Because normal teens never complain of boredom. *cough*

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.

See above.

-Is excessively awake during the night.

What's "excessive"? And, see above.

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to
vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

UV rays cause skin cancer.

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

Goddamn teenagers and their demands for privacy. I say take the doors off their rooms!

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

Doesn't this kind of contradict the whole "Associates with other people that dress, act or speak Accentrically. " (Oh, it's "eccentrically.) Or are they damned if they do, damned if they don't? (Get it? That pun was intended. Oh, I crack me up.)

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

Well, of course. Because there is absolutely no reason a developing teen would want time alone, and quietness, unless it was in order to allow time to speak to evil spirits...through meditation. Because that's the point of meditation, after all...excuse me while I go jump off a cliff...

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an
adult.

So deviant, it defies discussion.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

NO teenager in history has EVER disregarded the above mentioned authority figures. Clearly, this is Satan at work.

-Misbehaves at school.

See above.

-Misbehaves at home.

See above.

-Eats excessively or too little.

See above.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

See "whomever came up with this one should be institutionalized ASAP."

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

Potentially an actual problem...and might, for that reason, warrant a LITTLE bit higher placement on the list...AIDS, Hepatitis...I know, I protest too much...

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

I have no words.

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

I never knew Zork would condemn me to Hell forever.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the
computer.

I am so doomed.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

I have no clue what might be a "Satanic symbol", but does it count when the radio alarm goes off and I shake my head violently while demanding my parnter hit "snooze"?

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

Okay, well...

-Expresses an interest in sex.

Yes, we can't have healthy teens doing this.

-Masturbates

Covered, already a whole website on how to avoid this bit of nasty sinfulness.

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

This is a Goth problem? Way to lay on the issues.

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.

Yes, beward the evil cults of Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism! God HATES all that thinking and all that respect for life shit. Bring on the fire and brimstone god! Let's get to smiting!

Satanism and Scientology...well, I can't speak to those 'cause I think they're equally silly. But that's just me.

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various
phrases: "I'm so gothic", "I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

Well, yeah, that would kind of be a clue.

-Claims to be a goth.

Again, I have no words. How, exactly, did they decide how to rank these " clues"?

Thanks for a good laugh, FT!

07-20-2004, 03:11 AM
Mishi Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Scottsdale, AZ Posts: 1,054	I had to go back and break this down a little... -Frequently wears black clothing. What teen trend since, uh, 1970 hasn't involved wearing black? -Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. See above -Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish. See above, but make it 1980 -Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols. See above -Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos. See above, but notch it up to 1990 or so -Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. Robert Smith is STILL a god. -Associates with other people that dress, act or speak Accentrically. Yes, god forbid teens should associate with others like themselves. Must be a cult. (Notice rednecks never get called on this?) -Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. That is SO unusual for teenagers. -Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. Wait...death automatically involves Satan? Hmm...guess I'm not up on Catholocism (thank God - pun intended). The rest is just too vague to even bother with. -Takes drugs. Not worth commenting. -Drinks alcohol. Ditto above. -Is suicidal and/or depressed. Well, yes, by all means this requires attention - but blaming "goth" or any other alternative culture is kind of counter-productive, one would think. -Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.) See above. -Complains of boredom. Because normal teens never complain of boredom. cough -Sleeps too excessively or too little. See above. -Is excessively awake during the night. What's "excessive"? And, see above. -Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) UV rays cause skin cancer. -Demands an unusual amount of privacy. Goddamn teenagers and their demands for privacy. I say take the doors off their rooms! -Spends large amounts of time alone. Doesn't this kind of contradict the whole "Associates with other people that dress, act or speak Accentrically. " (Oh, it's "eccentrically.) Or are they damned if they do, damned if they don't? (Get it? That pun was intended. Oh, I crack me up.) -Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.) Well, of course. Because there is absolutely no reason a developing teen would want time alone, and quietness, unless it was in order to allow time to speak to evil spirits...through meditation. Because that's the point of meditation, after all...excuse me while I go jump off a cliff... -Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. So deviant, it defies discussion. -Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this. NO teenager in history has EVER disregarded the above mentioned authority figures. Clearly, this is Satan at work. -Misbehaves at school. See above. -Misbehaves at home. See above. -Eats excessively or too little. See above. -Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. See "whomever came up with this one should be institutionalized ASAP." -Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.) Potentially an actual problem...and might, for that reason, warrant a LITTLE bit higher placement on the list...AIDS, Hepatitis...I know, I protest too much... -Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) I have no words. -Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature. I never knew Zork would condemn me to Hell forever. -Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. I am so doomed. -Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. I have no clue what might be a "Satanic symbol", but does it count when the radio alarm goes off and I shake my head violently while demanding my parnter hit "snooze"? -Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. Okay, well... -Expresses an interest in sex. Yes, we can't have healthy teens doing this. -Masturbates Covered, already a whole website on how to avoid this bit of nasty sinfulness. -Is homosexual and/or bisexual. This is a Goth problem? Way to lay on the issues. -Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. Yes, beward the evil cults of Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism! God HATES all that thinking and all that respect for life shit. Bring on the fire and brimstone god! Let's get to smiting! Satanism and Scientology...well, I can't speak to those 'cause I think they're equally silly. But that's just me. -Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic", "I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth". Well, yeah, that would kind of be a clue. -Claims to be a goth. Again, I have no words. How, exactly, did they decide how to rank these " clues"? Thanks for a good laugh, FT! __________________ Looking for PHP/MySQL solutions? Check out Cyboriginal - custom scripts, installation services and more.