Matrix: Revolutions -- the Buff Review you've all been waiting for.

I am sorry to say that this movie was so abominably bad that it doesn't even warrant a review -- somehow, reviewing it would almost add legitimacy to it as a movie. And yet, somehow, I can't help but review it.

The acting was so atrocious that Lori and I snickered in unison on several occasions. At first I was going to blame the horrendously corny and trite dialogue which was obviously written by either someone who creates text-based instruction manuals for a living, an accountant, or a really dull 9 year old girl; suprisingly, I changed my mind toward the end of the movie and realized that it was a combination of the aforementioned hideous use of language and really shitty actors.

There is, of course, no doubt whatsoever in my mind that the Matrix was never intended to be a trilogy. This became painfully obvious during part 2, Reloaded, but if you had any doubt, Revolutions will dispel it. The plot, the philosophy, and the religious ideas (I can't really call it symbolism, because it was all so blatant and cheap) are so forced that there is no way this was anything but an afterthought. The first movie was simply too cool, for lack of a better term, for the sequels to have been conceived when they are claimed to have been. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise, not even suggestions that the W Brothers succumbed to late stage Senility immediately following the release of part 1.

Hugo Weaving's Agent Smith is the only oasis of relief from the desert of pure hell which was this movie. When I tell you that this movie was pure hell, I mean it was painful to view. And not just because Team Jackass (Reggie, Luke, and Dale) got us seats so far up front that I could have reached out and choked the triteness out of Morpheus. Nay. The first thought that went through my mind at the movie's conclusion was that this is what rape must feel like. I felt violated. Lied to. Molested. Metaphorically speaking, I felt like I had been mind-raped. That's how bad it was.

I am just going to list a very few of the things which annoyed me:

1) The dialogue -- so fucking unispired and hokey. You want examples? I will try to quote from memory:

Morpheus: I thought you didn't believe in the one.
Naibo (or whatever the fuck her name is): I don't. I believe in him.


Or just listen to the lovey dovey exchanges -- the diction was so devoid of feeling, of passion, of thought, that it can best be described as "anti-poetry." Think Annakin in the Episode II love scenes, ONLY WORSE.


2) The acting -- that kid, that intolerable kid, the one who worships Neo. If he gets another acting job after this movie, I am going to burn down Southern California. Oh wait... But Trinity was just as bad as he was. And Morpheus was so bland that I wondered if one of those meteors that crash-landed into Fishburn's face had rendered him woozy.


3) The realism -- hey, we're in the middle of a war zone and we just found Naobi and her crew -- let's stand around outside getting reaquainted and yapping for a half hour so the squidmachines can find us and kill us. No reason to go ahead and get in the ships and get things prepped and ready to go. Or better yet, people are dying by the boatload back in Zion, so why don't I go ahead and spend 30 minutes listen to you spew some lame ass dialogue at me about what you wanted to say but wish you hadn't or did say or shouldn't have said but would have said if you hadn't not said something else you didn't say -- all while you're multiply(adverb)-impaled and obviously dying; there's no sense of urgency to go ahead and get my talk on with the machine overlord dude -- what's a few thousand lives here or there while I piss away time?

Of course, the funniest part was when the EMP wiped out all the squiddies and the saviors get reamed for "handing them the dock on a silver platter." Right, Rambo, cuz you guys were just kicking all kinds of ass before they showed up. Please.


4) The plot -- and in all fairness, this goes to the heart of the whole matrix concept. Why in the hell wouldn't the machines have just killed all the human beings originally and powered their existence by sustaining the lives of billions of hamsters or some other non-conscious heat-producing animals? Or since they have the technology to grow humans, grow them without a self-aware brain. I mean, after all, the Matrix exists only to provide a prison for the human mind while the body is producing energy. And if it's because they need the heat from the human brain, because the brain puts out a lot more heat (if true, this is the only acceptable argument), then just figure out the ratio of hamster to human for heat production and adjust accordingly. In fact, hamsters would be even better, because besides not being self-aware, you can use them for energy by absorbing their heat and making them run on billions of little hamster wheels which could turn billions of little electric motors.

Nah, let's sustain our self-aware enemy instead, in the hopes that one day he can fuck us up.


So take my word for it, don't waste your time or money. This movie was straight horrible.