A joke, because I need something to distract me.

or a pet *s*

there was an old preacher who lost his eye in the war, he was lonely went to the pet store and got a talkin bird, guy said preacher, dont buy this bird he cusses to much.. preacher says, through god, ill change him

he brings the bird home, and says polly want a cracker? bird looks at him and says fuck you one eye, preacher tells him, polly that isnt nice, if u say that again im going to put you in the freezer for 5 mins, now polly want a cracker? bird looks at him, and again goes FUCK YOU 1 EYE

so in the freezer he went, 10 mins latter preacher opens the freezer door, there stands polly shivering, again, polly want a cracker? and again FUCK YOU 1 EYE, so the preacher says polly you just earned yourself another 10 mins... well the preacher goes sits on his couch and falls asleep

wakes up the next morning, then it dawns on him! omg that poor bird! runs to the freezer throws open the door and there stands polly frozen solid in this pose

one wing over his left eye the other one giving him the finger

Female comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

those are fucking good hahahahahhahaah

edit because that took up too much thread space

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house


She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he's well and can get out of bed
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head


Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down

She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.

I think I invented half of those in my clubbing days :P

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THEHOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

lol