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Stop him before he clicks again!
Internet filters were supposed to keep kids away from X-rated sites. Now some grown-ups, unable to stop porn-surfing on their own, are submitting to the filters themselves

April 15, 2004 | In January 2001, Shelley, a 36-year-old Georgia mother of four, came to a decision about online porn. "We have to get an Internet filter," she told her husband, James.

He agreed. "Yeah, I don't want the kids getting a hold of that stuff," he said.

"Actually," Shelley said, "I'm more concerned about you."

Shelley had confronted James about looking at online porn; he'd promised to stop. But she'd since found some dicey sites in theirbrowser history, some dating to the very night that she'd given birth to their fourth child and he'd gone home from the hospital to get some sleep. "He said all along that this was his problem; he wasn't unhappy in our marriage or sex life and there was nothing between us that led to the porn," Shelley says. "The friends he used to go to strip joints with turned him on to it, and it drove a wedge between us. He felt dirty and gross, but he kept going back. There was just such an immediate, easy draw."



James' explanations didn't fly with Shelley at first. "A big part of the problem was my feeling that I didn't satisfy him," she says. "I also couldn't understand how a man with three daughters could look at women like that. But the worst betrayal was the lies, the sense that it was 'OK' to keep secrets. I was like, 'You have this life that I don't know about.'"

The two agreed to go into counseling over this impasse. But Shelley insisted that wasn't enough. She told James that she wouldn't feel comfortable until she knew he was physically unable to visit porn sites. "I said I couldn't deal with the constant fear," she says.

So, for $5 a month, she simply shut down the fear at its source, by installing filtering software to block out porn -- leaving James with the surfing capacity of a kid at the library.

With names like NetNanny and CYBERSitter, most Internet filters are generally thought of as barriers between adult content and children. "When I started I thought I'd be marketing to mothers about their kids," says 54-year-old Ned Dominick of Macon, Ga., who launched his filtering company, WiseChoice.net, in 1999 after finding himself drawn "like a freight train" to online porn that he knew would upset his wife. But now, over half of WiseChoice.net's 3,000 customers are adults who use Internet filters to stymie not their children, but themselves or other adults. They pay $5 a month for the service in the U.S., Europe, Australia and Singapore. And in fact, says Dominick, most of his adult customers are "wives who are putting the filter on because they're offended by their husband's porn use," he says. "The kids get protected along the way, but the adult users are the 900-pound gorillas hidden behind the rock."

Like many filters, WiseChoice works like this: Any Web address you type in or click on is routed to the WiseChoice server. If it's on WiseChoice's million-word-site "block list," you get a quick message saying the page or function is not accessible. Porn is automatically blocked; you can also block chat and instant message service, peer-to-peer downloading, and user groups. Only the purchaser is permitted to disarm the filter -- and that's only by calling WiseChoice for a deactivation code.

Sounds pretty secure, but filters aren't always foolproof (or hack-proof). Some fail to screen sites that would be considered objectionable; others cast such a wide net that they may block non-porn (such as informational sites for teens about sex). And they're not the only tool for the job: Some adults choose -- or add on -- other solutions, such as Internet service providers with their own built-in filters and non-fudgeable Web history trackers that you're expected to share with an buddy.

When Shelley first floated the filter idea, she says, "James was like, 'Whatever.' You know, just appeasement." But now he's hooked on the freedom from temptation. "It wasn't until we got the filter that he was glad we did. Once he made up his mind to stop -- when he could see the damage it was doing to me and to our marriage -- then it was just a matter of removal of the temptation. It really just took away that magnetic pull," she says. James decided later to install a filter on his work computer, too.

When average computer users encounter Internet porn -- and it's almost impossible not to -- they're able to ignore it or enjoy it. But when porn becomes a problem in a relationship, can it really be solved just by padlocking the hahahahahaha jar? And why can't these people just, well, not go there?

Because cyber-porn is essentially different from the good old-fashioned stuff on paper (or celluloid), says Al Cooper, Ph.D., director of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre in Santa Clara, Calif. "It's accessible, affordable and anonymous," he says, describing the "triple-A engine" that drives Net users to porn. You don't have to get in your car, hide behind a plain brown wrapper or worry that the punk at the Qwik-Mart who sold you the Hustler will rat to your kid in homeroom. And on the Web, the supply is seemingly infinite.

According to Cooper and others, the "three As" have ensnared a new, highly susceptible segment of the Web-using population. They're the folks who, on the online porn-viewer character spectrum, lie somewhere between "recreational user" and the guy Philip Seymour Hoffman played in "Happiness." Recreational users, says Cooper, make up the "vast majority" (up to 85 percent, he estimates) of people who seek out sex on the Web, spending maybe an hour a week, or maybe even getting a daily dose, but not at the expense of much else; all, arguably, in good dirty fun. "They don't watch 'Baywatch' for the plot, but they're also not masturbating in the living room," says Cooper. At the other end lie the small percentage of "sexually compulsive users" who don't do much else -- and who would probably find ways to dig up dirty pictures even if their PC blew a gasket.

Between these two extremes lie the "at-risk" users, the approximately 10 percent of online sex-seekers who develop habits that affect their lives offline. "These are the ones we're most concerned about," says Cooper. "They're more impulsive than compulsive." They might use porn as stress relief, anger release or escape, he says. Fighting and making up with your wife, including makeup sex, might take you three hours, but "you can go on the computer and do the same thing in 20 seconds," he says. "These users aren't necessarily the people with the deepest issues. But part of the reason Internet porn is creating a problem is that you need a higher level of self-control and discipline than you would otherwise. After you look at 999 pictures, the 1,000th vagina is boring, so you're compelled to keep looking for more. That's how at-risk or even recreational users get into more serious problems."

Like what? Well, depending on whom you ask, it's purveyors of Internet porn -- not, say, the gay-wedding-friendly mayor of New Paltz, N.Y. -- who pose the gravest threat to marriage. In a recent survey by and of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of responding members said they'd handled a divorce case over the past year in which Internet use had played a role -- over half of those members specified that the "role" was "excessive use of porn."

"This is new," says organization president Richard Barry, noting that seven or eight years ago the Internet was virtually unheard of as a factor in divorce cases. "It has to be the Web." Barry likens habitual online sex sessions, even just looking at photos, to affairs. "There's anger, a violation of trust, a sense of rejection," he says of the women whose husbands come home with virtual lipstick on their collars. (Women who engage in this "excessive use," he says, are in the "substantial minority.")

"These really very unpretty pictures on the screen become a substitute for marital love and affection, and that's where the rejection comes from," he says, paraphrasing a common complaint: "'Instead of spending time with me, you're spending time hunched over a computer late at night.'" A partner's porn habit may create, feed on, exacerbate -- or simply allow the user to ignore -- deeper issues of jealousy, resentment, boredom, lack of communication or compassion, and so on.