THE HULK -- The Buff Review

A Tragedy of Cinema

The Buff Review


What a shitty movie. Let me begin by saying this: If Prozac is all it takes to render you impotent, you're not a fucking superhero. I spent two and one half hours of my life grimmacing and squirming in my seat, and that was from the movie, not the jock itch. See, the thing is if you're gonna... wait a sec. I see the confused looks. Hmm. OH! I know what the problem is -- you know this movie by its alternative title. Ok, let me start over.


THE HULK


We'll begin at the end: Dale noticed it first, and understandably so -- it's a stoner movie, and he was "blazed" before he ever sat down. I think that's why he almost connected with it. Reggie agreed that in the future, when he picks the movie and orders all the tickets online, we can hold off on paying him back until after the movie; so I guess there was some small upside to The Hulk after all.

Now for the review.

First, I have to address the obvious racism theme. Bruce Banner is a brilliant scientist -- a white scientist. But when he gets angry, he turns a darker color and becomes a raging idiot, not unlike Mike Tyson. Except Banner only bit a dog. Of course, Banner as the white scientist has very little interest in his female co-worker (Who can blame him? She's not really that hot, and he already hit it.). Obviously he understands the "don't shit where you eat" maxim. The poor stupid colored raging hulk though, he's infatuated with the smart white woman. Obviously a criticism of our racist culture. Advancing the theme further, the hulk is rejected by society, most notably by the love interest's father. Why? Because the hulk is not white. This movie is nothing if not an indictment of our inate biases. The raging colored beast is not worthy of a white woman, right? And coloreds are dumb and athletic while whites are smart -- obvious stereotyping. In this respect, Ang Lee has crafted a masterpiece.

Too bad all of the above is my own humorus creation. This movie fucking blew. It dragged on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on .

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

Annoying as fuck, isn't it? Now you have a taste of what I suffered through last night. There may have been 10 full minutes of action: the Hulk destroying some Army equipment. Whoopdie fucking do. Aside from that, you have to sit through a dragging plot and a bunch of shit that you'd have to be stoned to appreciate. But if I were stoned (and I never have been), my guess is I'd rather mold my feces into a bust of Karl Marx and sell it to some art collector or philosophy professor than sit through a movie as tedious as The Hulk.

Of course, perhaps the movie was really just a government test to see if there are any hulks among the general population. Maybe they figure that one way to flush out such a creature would be to have people endure a 2 and 1/2 hour boredom fest and see if anyone goes on a rampage afterwards. Lord knows I felt like punching a hole through the ticket window to beat my $7 out of the people working the registers. It's gonna take more than a shitty movie to make me turn green, you government bastards!