Rejected Personal Ad

Someone sent this to me, and it's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time
http://www.savethehumans.com/culture...ahoo_personal/

My Rejected Yahoo! Personal Ad

by Jason Roth

I never did this before, but all my friends told me to try, so here it goes!

I'm looking for an honest, intelligent, rational, independent, ex-porn star with a great chest. A woman who likes to get trashed, puts out on the first date, and enjoys discussing politics. If you can drink me under the table while arguing metaphysics using only four-letter words, you might be the one for me. I'm a hopeless romantic, and enjoy long walks on the beach, romantic candlelit dinners, and blowjobs. I like punk-rock, enjoy discussing ethics, and will most likely piss off your relatives at cocktail parties. I love watching movies with heroic, romantic characters who preferably get naked and/or beat the shit out of each other. The more sex, violence, and life-affirming thematic elements, the better. A soft-core Cyrano de Bergerac with kung fu, car chases, and a Ramones song on the soundtrack. That's my kind of movie.

I'm looking for a woman who wouldn't mind making out in the back row at a philosophy lecture. A woman with enough of a backbone to tell me when I'm full of shit and who won't cry like a baby if I happen to fail to give myself whiplash in the act of looking away every time some chick in tight pants happens to walk in front of me. I want a woman who occasionally wears tight pants herself and occasionally gets so impassioned about something that she's full of shit herself once in a while. And kicks, screams, and has the balls to admit it when someone points it out to her.

Someone who has an actual opinion. Any opinion. And doesn't feel so intimidated by what other people think that she can't actually voice it. Someone who's toked up once in her life or at least won't go running back to daddy anytime she meets someone who has.

Sure, I'm looking for a soulmate. But give me someone with a soul and that'll be a decent start. Someone who likes to eat good food, makes fun of bums, and gets wet at the thought of Islamic terrorists getting splattered into a big, bloody mess by American bombs. Someone who loves America and is equally pissed off by its government. Someone who has a great body and shows it off, and a great mind and shows it off.

I'm looking for a woman who likes New Order's True Faith, Nena's 99 Luftballoons, and a good dick joke. A woman who can sing along with the Grease soundtrack, and won't mind it if I stand in the corner at her cousin-in-law's wedding and drink martinis while talking to the bartender about how full of shit everyone is. Someone who's idea of a good time is analyzing the idiocy of anti-smoking laws in a dark, smoky bar. Someone who hogs the jukebox and makes me wait an hour for my songs to come on. Someone who's literate but hangs her prepositions.

I'm looking for a woman with a career she loves or a desire to get one. Someone who has a mind and doesn't stifle it to be liked. Someone who doesn't think that earning her paycheck is "geeky", but would gladly wear the title of "geek" with pride.

Someone who's "book smart" and looks good in glasses. Someone who knows the difference between atomic weight and welterweight. Someone who can run a mile even it means messing up her hair. Someone who buys Playgirl Magazine for the articles.

If, after all these qualifications, you can still manage "cute", "sensitive", and "a great sense of humor", then shit, you're at the top of my list.

To reply, please send a note, along with a photo proving you're not a 70-year-old man from the Philippines, to this address. I look forward to talking to you.