The Complete Military History Of France

It is a perfect example of how ridiculous it is to beg for
world acceptance. One of the main countries putting pressure on the US... and ultimately Israel, is France. Take a look at their proud and successful military history. Then send them an email that says: FUCK OFF FRANCE!

And for Heaven's sake - stop buying French products!

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.


-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."


-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.


-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.


-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.


-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.


-- The Dutch War - Tied.


-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.


-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.


-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."


-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.


-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.


-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.


-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.


-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.


-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.


-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


Classic Quote:

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

(Note: I don't know how true the Rumsfeld quote is, but I saw it on a site, and laughed my ass off when I read it, so felt compelled to add it to this.)


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