I guess i'm pretty lucky to be alive today.

Last night was rough. Here's the cliff notes version, from what I remember and was told.

Around 5 I started drinking and smoking weed, nothing new. Around 7 I stupidly chose to take what for me is a pretty heafty dose of Vicodin I got from a friend and 2 valumes.

I continued drinking and smoking pot, while making a list of the 10 most imoprtant people in my life, whom coincidently I have all hurt in one form or another. I even wrote the reasons I had hurt them all next to thier names.

By 9 I was gone, and I remember nothing after shutting the door and laying down on the couch. When I shut the door, my cat was trapped in the foyer. Around 930-10ish the cat screaming to get back in had gotten my neighbors attention, she stepped into the foyer and knocked on the door, I did not answer. She knocked again, then pounded, then called. No response.

I was laying right in front of the door on the sofa, she could see me. So she opened the door, let the cat in and tried to wake me. I would not respond. She looked right next to me and saw the list I had made. She called the emergency services, and I was taken to the hospital. I arrived there just after 10 last night.

My stomach was pumped, I was given some kind of shot, I remember nothing until I woke up around 1 in the morning.

I was questioned by a doctor and a cop about the list I was found with at the time. I explained that it was more of a "karma list" then what they actually thought it was.

I was told that I would be kept for a day or so and observed. I immediatly asked if I had the right to sign myself out. They said I could, but they advise I didn't. I did, and was home by 2:30.

Got into bed, slept until almost 9.

I feel hollow today. I really did have a moment last night where I knew I was in dangerious territory as far as the pills and alcohol were doing. Death did cross my mind, but it didn't bother or scare me at all.

I think its time to change everything about my life that I can, mend some fences and make good on things I need to.

I'm really bothered by how much I dont care about myself when I always let my feelings for others consume me.