The West Nile Virus :: Anatomy of a killer ::
She's claimed 20 US victims already this year and the deathtoll is climbing. West Nile is her
poison. The mosquito is to blame. Dirty little pest. That is what you hear on CNN anyway. But hey, Johnny Quest, I have a different story to tell. The mosquito has an accomplice. You should have suspected the story was incomplete. Mosquitos don't just go around sucking each other's blood now, do they? So how does a mosquito get the virus in the first place? I checked with the experts. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. The answer, they said, is birds. When a bird is bitten by a mosquito and infected with West Nile, there is a 4-5 day period where the bird can then transmit the virus to another mosquito. In that time, some birds will travel hundreds of miles. "Crow Airlines at your service."
I'm sure that at one time or another you suspected that birds might be evil. I think everyone has. At least, those who have read "The Raven" or "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" or seen Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" has. You think these were empty works of fiction? Think again. These were messages broadcast into the future. Forget all that talk of metaphors, similes, and allusions your high school teacher was going on about. These guys spelled it out simple. Birds are Evil. Don't you ever forget it. Now, I could go on and on about the evils of birds but I trust that if you think about it just a little bit, you'll come to the same realizations that I have. Birds are Evil and they gotta go. Recognize that and take action. Don't worry, son. I have a plan.
First, we'll need a scapegoat. Let's start with the pigeon. Ask yourself a simple question. What is a pigeon good for? Unless getting in our way and shitting on our sidewalks is a benefit, I'd say it's fucking worthless. Some of you might object with "Aha! Web of Life!" Let me tell you something. The only thing up or down from a pigeon in the great foodchain of life is stale bread and animal crackers. That mainstay of the Steel Jungle lives a completely pointless existence. Let's move on.
We'll also need some new laws. How about a little legislation, America? First, let's ban that dirty good for nothing shitting machine known as the pigeon from all our glorious cities. After that, we'll work our way up the pecking order. Somewhere along the way we'll take out the crow and all her friends. Then we'll have legislated out that nasty old West Nile virus once and for all.
These new laws I'm talking about shouldn't just be empty declarations either. I propose old fashioned avian death games like I used to play. When I was ten years old, I would shoot peacocks that roamed my neighborhood with a BB gun. Never killed 'em. Just taught 'em a
lesson. "Hey, we're in charge, p-e-a-c-u-n-t!" This turned out be excellent training. When I got a
little older, my uncle introduced me to the .22. It was then that I became a certified bird-killer. Believe me, I've thought this through. I propose we arm our city's ten year-olds with BB guns. Let them kill birds instead of each other. Let's be fair. All the country kids have BB guns already. Hell, it'll be excellent training. Kill two birds with
one stone.
Don't you think the The War on Drugs is getting a little old and boring anyway?. It's time we reappropriate those funds and declare the War on Birds. While we're waiting for our lawmakers to react to our brilliant proposals, we can do what all good Americans do. Let's celebrate our victories before we start. I recommend a Summer version of Thanksgiving. Go get yourself a good chicken or duck and feast tonight. It's the least you could do for the cause.
Me? I'm breaking out the scarecrows, getting my duck calls, and preparing for the Great War.
Why don't you write me an email and tell me about any acts of Bird Terrorism you commit?
You'll need experience anyway. Once the funding starts flying, you'll be in an ideal position
to take advantage of the situation. Funding for the elimination of viruses runs into the billions of dollars. My first research grant proposal will be "The Elimination of Disease Vectors. A Case by Case Study". I figure that'll be worth $20 million. Don't worry, I'm sure there are millions of other good ideas. And hell, one thing we know how to do is fight a good war and keep fighting it. Let's milk this sucker for all it's worth.
She's claimed 20 US victims already this year and the deathtoll is climbing. West Nile is her
poison. The mosquito is to blame. Dirty little pest. That is what you hear on CNN anyway. But hey, Johnny Quest, I have a different story to tell. The mosquito has an accomplice. You should have suspected the story was incomplete. Mosquitos don't just go around sucking each other's blood now, do they? So how does a mosquito get the virus in the first place? I checked with the experts. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. The answer, they said, is birds. When a bird is bitten by a mosquito and infected with West Nile, there is a 4-5 day period where the bird can then transmit the virus to another mosquito. In that time, some birds will travel hundreds of miles. "Crow Airlines at your service."
I'm sure that at one time or another you suspected that birds might be evil. I think everyone has. At least, those who have read "The Raven" or "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" or seen Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" has. You think these were empty works of fiction? Think again. These were messages broadcast into the future. Forget all that talk of metaphors, similes, and allusions your high school teacher was going on about. These guys spelled it out simple. Birds are Evil. Don't you ever forget it. Now, I could go on and on about the evils of birds but I trust that if you think about it just a little bit, you'll come to the same realizations that I have. Birds are Evil and they gotta go. Recognize that and take action. Don't worry, son. I have a plan.
First, we'll need a scapegoat. Let's start with the pigeon. Ask yourself a simple question. What is a pigeon good for? Unless getting in our way and shitting on our sidewalks is a benefit, I'd say it's fucking worthless. Some of you might object with "Aha! Web of Life!" Let me tell you something. The only thing up or down from a pigeon in the great foodchain of life is stale bread and animal crackers. That mainstay of the Steel Jungle lives a completely pointless existence. Let's move on.
We'll also need some new laws. How about a little legislation, America? First, let's ban that dirty good for nothing shitting machine known as the pigeon from all our glorious cities. After that, we'll work our way up the pecking order. Somewhere along the way we'll take out the crow and all her friends. Then we'll have legislated out that nasty old West Nile virus once and for all.
These new laws I'm talking about shouldn't just be empty declarations either. I propose old fashioned avian death games like I used to play. When I was ten years old, I would shoot peacocks that roamed my neighborhood with a BB gun. Never killed 'em. Just taught 'em a
lesson. "Hey, we're in charge, p-e-a-c-u-n-t!" This turned out be excellent training. When I got a
little older, my uncle introduced me to the .22. It was then that I became a certified bird-killer. Believe me, I've thought this through. I propose we arm our city's ten year-olds with BB guns. Let them kill birds instead of each other. Let's be fair. All the country kids have BB guns already. Hell, it'll be excellent training. Kill two birds with
one stone.
Don't you think the The War on Drugs is getting a little old and boring anyway?. It's time we reappropriate those funds and declare the War on Birds. While we're waiting for our lawmakers to react to our brilliant proposals, we can do what all good Americans do. Let's celebrate our victories before we start. I recommend a Summer version of Thanksgiving. Go get yourself a good chicken or duck and feast tonight. It's the least you could do for the cause.
Me? I'm breaking out the scarecrows, getting my duck calls, and preparing for the Great War.
Why don't you write me an email and tell me about any acts of Bird Terrorism you commit?
You'll need experience anyway. Once the funding starts flying, you'll be in an ideal position
to take advantage of the situation. Funding for the elimination of viruses runs into the billions of dollars. My first research grant proposal will be "The Elimination of Disease Vectors. A Case by Case Study". I figure that'll be worth $20 million. Don't worry, I'm sure there are millions of other good ideas. And hell, one thing we know how to do is fight a good war and keep fighting it. Let's milk this sucker for all it's worth.
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