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Sex is the question, yes is always the answer .... fucking everywhere you go!
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Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"Comment
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Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.Comment
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."Sex is the question, yes is always the answer .... fucking everywhere you go!Comment
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."Comment
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It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."Comment
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700 is my numberICQ: 267899523
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A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"Comment
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A Perfectly Reasonable Explanation
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
"Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.
"It figures," she says as she storms inside.
The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"Comment
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A little boy asks his dad "Dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?"
The dad says "Go ask your mother if she would have sex with anyone for a million dollars."
The boy asks and she says "Yes."
He comes back to his dad and says "She said yes. But what's the difference between truth and reality?"
The dad says: "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with anyone for two million dollars."
He comes back and says: "She says yes. But dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?!?"
The dad says: Well, the truth is we're sitting on a gold mine but the reality is we're living with two whores.Comment
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The Marathon Man
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"Comment
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Go forth and multiply
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."Comment
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Following a little advice
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."Comment
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By the seaside
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"Comment
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I have #565Comment
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Three Little Words
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."Comment
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A Texan With Plenty To Shout About
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"
Thanks to MaxCash! Good luck and have fun guys!
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M'sComment
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There was an old Iraqi man who had lived 40 years in the USA (Chicago) and who wanted to plant potatoes in his garden. However he was a little too old and frail to till the soil before planting so he wrote an e-mail to his only son who was in Paris studying at the time, explaining his problem.
Dear Ahmed,
I am feeling very sad because I will be unable to plant my potatoes this year. I am far too old for such heavy work. If only you were here my problems would disappear, for you are young and strong and could till and turn the soil without any bother.
Love Papa.
A couple of days later he received a mail from his son.
Dear Papa,
Whatever you do don’t touch the earth in our garden. That is where I have the ‘you know what’ hidden.
Love Ahmed.
That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon’s elite. They dig for hours looking for bomb making equipment, anthrax etc. but find nothing and eventually leave discretely.
The next day the old man receives another mail from his son:
Dear Papa,
I am sure by now the earth is perfect for planting your potatoes. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Ahmed.Comment
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I am done too. Thanks MaxCash!
Sex is the question, yes is always the answer .... fucking everywhere you go!Comment
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Two guys are out hunting when one of them stops to take a leak. While draining the lizard, a snake bites him right on the peepee. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain. His buddy comes running over to see what happened. The victim yells out to him to use his cell phone to call for help.
The rescuer calls 911 and says, "I need help, quick! WE're way out in the woods and my buddy just got bitten by a snake. What do I do?"
VICTIM: "What'd they say"
BUDDY: "Wait a minute, they're looking it up."
911: "OK, first tie a tourniquet between the wound and the victim's heart."
The buddy runs over and does as he's told.
BUDDY: "OK, did that. Now what?"
OPERATOR: "Now, you have to suck the poison out."
Long silence.
VICTIM: "What? What did she say?"
BUDDY: "Operator, could you repeat that, please?"
OPERATOR: "You have to suck the poison out of the wound. That's the only way to get it out of him."
Another long silence, and the buddy hangs up.
VICTIM: "WHAT DID SHE SAY,DAMMIT?"
BUDDY: "She said you're gonna die."Comment
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On reaching manhood, the farmer's son is given a duck. "I'm sorry I don't have anything more to give you, son," the farmer tells him. "Let's just see how enterprising you are."
The son goes into town and first off goes in the brothel. He explains it's his birthday to the madam and that all he has in the world is the duck. "Well, I think I have a girl for you," she says, and takes the duck in payment.
Well but who might've imagined the vigor of this boy! He and the girl go at it for hours, and when he's done the greatly-pleased prostitute is so impressed she begs him to do her again. "I'll arrange to get your payment back if you do," she pleads. And who is the farmer's son to refuse?
Now satisfied with himself, the farmer's son heads home, duck in hand. On the way, however, a coach speeds by recklessly, knocking the bird out of his hand and crushing it under its wheels. The driver stops and apologizes profusely for the accident. "I'm in a hurry, son, but please accept this fiver for your loss." The young man thanks the driver and heads home.
The old farmer finds his son arrived with a great big smile on his face but no bird. "So how did you do, boy?" he asked.
"Great!" the son answered. "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and five bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
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Towards the end of January of 2009, an old man slowly shuffles up to one of the marines guarding the White House.
He says to the marine, "I would like to speak with President Bush, please."
The marine politely responds, "I'm sorry sir, but President Bush no longer resides here because he is no longer president."
"Thank you," says the old man, as he shuffles off.
The next day, and the next and the next the old man returns and asks the marine the same question, with the same results.
Finally, on the fifth day, the marine becomes frustrated.
"Sir," he says, "I have already informed you four times that President Bush isn't the president any more and that he doesn't live here any more either. Why do you keep asking me this?"
The old man responds, "Oh, I know that the answer won't change, but I just love hearing it."Comment
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A father and son are sitting on their porch in rural Oklahoma. The son has just returned from his honeymoon.
Father: "how was the honeymoon, son?"
Son: "it was awful, daddy. I need a divorce."
Father: "Why?"
Son: "She told me she was a virgin!"
Father: "What's wrong with that?"
Son: "if she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."Comment
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One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'.
Little Dirty Johnny was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. And she guessed he would say something like, "asshole"
She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
"Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Little Dirty Johnny was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
"Butterfly."
"Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Little Dirty Johnny was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Johnny would say.
"Caterpillar."
"Great job, Billy!"
She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Johnny. When she got to 'R', Johnny was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Johnny, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
Johnny stood up straight, smiled and "Rats"
"That's very good Johnny, now who can tell me..."
"Rats", Johnny continued holding his hands apart, "Big fucking rats, with dicks this long."
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Butts decided to appeal to Human Rights Committee:
Reasons:
1) They are divided in two halves
2) Their voice is rarely heard, and often spoken against.
3) They are the last to get any newspapers.Comment
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A son is nagging his father, who's a proffessor:
"Daddy, how do you say "Dick" in a right way"?
Father: "Well, umm... a penis"
Son: "And what about "pussy?"
Father: "Uhhh... a "vagina"
Son: "And what about "sex?"
Father: "Lemme see... Fucking!"Comment
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One man, named John, "rents" a prostitute, for a fairly large price. However, he sets two conditions: The light will be turned off, and also, she should not speak to him during the act. She agrees, happy that she'll get that much money.
However, the guy turns out to be a "sex giant"- i.e. he won't let her rest all night. When the time is almost over, she pleads: "John, can I please go to the bathroom?" And the man answers: "Well, actually, I'm Jim, and John sells the entrance tickets right now".Comment
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You're Welcome!
hahaha, those were great ...
May I just say again that I love this promo & the contest?
Bump for more & if you haven't already, sign up here & make that $$$$
Icq- 470-936-598
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trying with #559Comment
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462 is my guessICQ: 267899523
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