Post your best jokes

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ?We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!! The man said, ?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.?

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent said, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.?

Finally, it was the woman?s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

?This gun is loaded with blanks? she said. ?I had to beat him to death with the chair.?

My friend came into the office looking distressed but smiling He said his wife had her bag stolen over the weekend and it contained all her credit cards etc.......I said " Did you call the police and file a police report " he replied "NO".

"Why not " thinking its stupid not to contact them !

"Well actually I will eventually" he said ,but im in no rush as the thief is spending less on shopping with them than the wife usually does" !

Why does a dog lick his cock ???

Because he can't make a fist

this thread will rock soon bookmarked!!

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

I bumped into Steve Austin the other day whilst walking down Hollywood Boulevarde - he was looking a million dollars. He's really let himself go.

A blonde and brunette are walking down the street when the brunettes sees her boyfriend in the flower shop.
"Great", the brunette said, "My boyfriend is buying me flowers for no reason"
"And thats a bad thing?" The blonde asked
"Well now I am going to have to spend the next 3 days with my legs in the air" the brunette explained.....

The blonde then asked "Wouldn't it be easier to use a vase?"

LOL good one.

My favorite blonde joke:

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the barmaid: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

She glares at him and says: "Look at me. I'm last year's female kick-boxing champion. And I'm blonde. Now look at those two women playing pool over there. One has a black belt in karate, the other is an aikido olympic gold medalist. And they're both blonde. Now look at those two mean-looking chicks in the corner. They're the WWF tag-team champions. And they're both blonde. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blonde joke?

The guy thinks about it for a bit, then answers: "Nah, you're right. I don't feel like having to explain the punch-line 5 times"

I posted this one in another thread a while ago:

In a park in the center of the city is a statue of a young girl and a young boy,
naked, reaching out yearningly for one another, but just not quite touching.
An angel flies over the city every day, and every day sees this couple,
reaching out for one another but just not quite touching,
and feels very sorry for them. So one day the angel brings the two to life, and says:

"For a hundred years I've seen you two reaching out to one another
but just not quite touching. My powers are limited, I can give you half an hour only,
but in that half-hour you can do whatever you've been wanting to do
this past hundred years."

The young couple gleefully jumps down from the pedestal and dives
straight into the busshes next to it. There is much scuffling,
flapping, heaving and panting, and fifteen minutes later they emerge,
beaming with happiness and satisfaction, and climb back onto their pedestal.

"Did you enjoy that?", asks the angel.

"Oh yes. it was awesome!", they reply.

"Well, you still have 15 minutes". says the angel. Don't you want to do it again?"

"Yes!", the girl says to the boy, excitedly. "Let's do it again!
Only this time you hold the pigeon, and then I'll shit on its head!"

Thats awesome!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, and then suddenly the most incredible piano music he's ever heard starts up. He looks around, but sees no piano, no speakers, no discernable source for the music.

Puzzled, he asks the barman: "Where is the music coming from?"
The barman answers: "Well I've got this little guy about one foot high, playing this little piano under the bar."
"No, seriously", says the guy, "where is it coming from?"
"Well, if you don't believe me, take a look and see for yourself", says the barman.
The guy gets up, walks around the bar and looks underneath. Sure enough, there's this tiny little man playing a tiny little piano. The little man waves and asks if he has any requests.

Amazed, he asks the barman: "Where in hell did you get that little guy?"
The barman answers: "Well, I was taking the trash out into the alley and saw this old dirty lamp. I rubbed the dirt off it, and suddenly this genie popped out and said 'I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!' So now I have this little man."

"Wow!", says the guy, "is that lamp still out there?"
"I guess so", says the barman, "go out and take a look."

The guy rushes out the back door and sure enough, there's this dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops the genie and says: "I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!"
Beside himself with excitement, the guy yells: "I want a million bucks!"
The next instant the alley is filled with a million shitting, quacking ducks.

Disgusted, he walks back into the bar and says to the barman: "Man, this genie of yours has a real problem with his hearing!"

"No kidding", says the barman, "did you really think I asked him for a 12-inch pianist?"

blonde joke...

A blonde, brunette and a red head were having lunch discussing their teenage daughters. The Brunette said, "I went into my daughter purse last night and found a pack of cigarettes, I had no idea my daughter smoked!". The redhead follows with, " well, you think that's bad..I went into my daughter purse and found a little bottle of vodka. I didn?t know my daughter drank !" The Blonde chimes in..." I also went into my daughters purse last night and found a pack of condoms, I had no idea my daughter had a penis".