How to poop at work...

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.


FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band to gather to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.