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"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.Comment
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atlest hundred peopleOriginally posted by DagwolfHow many people are going to say "Another bump from me?"Comment
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"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or AstroturfComment
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"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin AndujarComment
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As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be built on.
I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut flesh.
So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.
"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband if you talk so damned much?"Comment
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."Comment
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Ewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What?s that?" I asked.
"It?s a bizarre product we found."
"What does it do?"
"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm...clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she?s never dreamed of."
"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.
I looked at the directions for use. It said: Apply liberally with tongue.Comment
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."Comment
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Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife.
Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K
Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit
Man: That's no fucking good....I want her dead, not kneecappedComment
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woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."Comment
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"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"Comment


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