digifan

POLITICS MADE SIMPLE
Do you have trouble understanding politics? If so, the following primer (thanks to the Manitoban - University of Manitoba) should clear it up for you. No bull.
Socialism - You have two cows. Give one to your neighbor.
Communism - You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Fascism - You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

BUSES
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," The blonde says,
"How do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer says,
"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says,
"Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says,
"Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

TOP TIPS FOR EVERYDAY CHEAPSKATES (AND IDIOTS )
Old telephone directories are ideal for personal address books, just mark out all the names and addresses that you don't know.
When reading a book tear out each page as you read them, this prevents having to buy bookmarks, and later the pages can be used as shopping lists!
Fool other drivers by taking a old TV remote and holding it up to your ear, this will make it look like you will have a very expensive cell phone!
But don't forget to occasionally swerve across the road and mount the curb. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator so you can check to see if the light goes off when you close it.
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and placing them in the garage.
No time for a bath? Just wrap your self in masking tape and peel it off in a few minutes, this will remove dirt quickly.
Expensive hair gels are a con.
Marmalade is much cheaper, but beware of bees in the summer.
Avoid cutting yourself by clumsily slicing your vegetables while you get somebody else to hold it for you.

Rules of Bedroom Golf
1 Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2 Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3 Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4 For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5 Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6 The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7 It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8 Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9 Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10 Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11 Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12 The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13 Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14 Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15 It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done
he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry.
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat.
The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

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