So I went to a strip bar last night with two of my girls.....

Had some guy call me over to tell me he liked "big boned" women and asked if my brunette friend and I were sisters. He said we caught his eye and blah blah blah. I didn't hear anything else because all I could think of was how his breath smelled like vomit and how could I get the fuck away from him without feeling like a total c*nt. Yuck.

Then this guy came over and bought me a beer and tried to sit reaaaaaaal close, but I just moved my chair closer to my girls, lol, cuz I just wasn't feelin' him. Plus he was blocking my view of the deliciously thick and yet toned bod of the girl on stage, heh.

Then this chick walked in with her guy, and I laughed and told her I just bought the same shirt she was wearing at the mall that day, and she laughed and said she tried on the one I was wearing but her boobs weren't working in it (nice advantage of having lil' perkies!). They called me over to their table later, chatted me up, and asked for my number. They were both pretty nice looking, and there was a cool chemistry between us, and I'm divorced now, heh, so I gave it to them.

The highlight of the night, though, was when one fake boobed, glassy eyed stripper came out, and I noticed she had toilet paper stuck to her ass.