My Turn For Epassporte Customer Screwage

I've watched the endless parade of Epassporte customer service nightmare stories with amused horror -- like the six people who will say the same in this thread, I'd never had a problem, so who really cared?

At least I was prepared when it was my turn to be in the barrel.

So, on July 12, I get the first dreaded "Information is required" notice. Of course, the notice is in error: it recites that "the cumulative amount of funds in your account has reached USD $5,000.00", which they hadn't. But no worries, I emailed in the requested scans like a good little boy.

No response until July 18, when I get the second notice. This one promises to close my account in five business days, makes no mention of having gotten my documents.

(Aside: this is not how grownups do business. If you've got an automated system set up for sending out requests for documents, you don't let it send a second notice until you've checked for responses to the first notices.)

So I sent the email again, this time from two different email addresses, with CC to the customer service email address.

Getting no response, I sent 'em again the next day, July 19th.

And again YESTERDAY, July 23, just for fun.

And then, heck, because this train's about to hit the wall, why not? I sent 'em again this morning when I got up.

Two hours later, you guessed it: "Your account has been temporarily placed in Fund Protection Mode." "To date, we have not received this information from you. As a result, your account has been temporarily suspended."

So I called, and for a miracle I got a friendly and helpful person after a mere five minutes on hold. I told her my sorry tale and what does she do? She asks me to send my documents for a seventh time.

Causing me to sputter JUST a bit.

So then she puts me on hold and does a search and pulls up my six emails. Success! We are saved!

Only, not so much. Quote: "I'll give these to my supervisor and he'll forward them to corporate. Once they've verified your account status, you should get an email from them."

Suddenly I am not so optimistic. She assured me that I should hear more within 48 hours. Anybody want to make a wager and take that side of it?

I did ask a couple of friendly questions about the process, and was informed that they are processing emails as they come in and "right now they are up to about the end of the first week of the month."

Yup, you read that right. They are freezing accounts using an automated process that starts and finishes in twelve days. That process requests presentation of documents by email to avoid account freeze. So they are turning off accounts today that got their first notice twelve days ago -- BUT THEY HAVEN'T LOOKED AT ANY EMAILS RECEIVED IN THE LAST SEVENTEEN DAYS.

And yet, they have the gall to use a form notice that says "To date, we have not received this information from you." I guess adding "We haven't actually bothered to look in our email queue to see if you emailed us" would be a bit too brutally honest, eh?

I said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again: This is not how adults do business. This is playing at business. It's not fundamentally serious in a financial institution, J.P. Morgan, Chase Manhattan "you can trust us with your money" kind of way.

Fortunately, they've only got about five hundred dollars of my money. (It would be less, but one of my sponsors slipped in a payment just before the freeze.) That's not enough to hurt me. But if I have to spend all day Friday changing the payment details at thirty affiliate programs, let's just say that's business Epassporte won't be getting back.

Don't get me wrong, I do know that if I put in the hours and jump through all the hoops and display sufficient patience, this will all be put right in the end. But I am extremely frustrated and annoyed to be put through this. I assume it's just the normal corporate clusterfuck, but it FEELS arrogant and stupid, like nobody at Epassporte gives a shit about the customer experience.

One more time for the kids on the short bus: This is not how adults do business.

That is all.