WIN $500 Christmas Hamper from SapphicCash

Fifty........

A reminder for everyone of how the winning posts are determined.

The Truth Hurts - A ' Hamper ' is a basket full for Fine Food, Wine and Confectionary. Good Luck!

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

Law Suit Against Santa!
by David Bibb


The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has
been putting that information in a vast database. The information
is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization
to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows
a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice
stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are
involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for
the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same
sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI
on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records
do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and
local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from
around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be
taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of
children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of
the United States or any country which the United States currently has an
extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it
is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will
discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.

A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Dear Santa,


I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my
two children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but
are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost
mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the
phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that
says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat
in the living room", "Take your shoes off the couch," and 'Take
your hands off your brother/sister," because my voice seems to be
just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by
the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet
making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same
morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to
help around the house without demanding payment as if they were
the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't
look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in
his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the
chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch
cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too
many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
Mom

PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in you.

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO Everyone
RE Christmas Party
DATE December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!

__________________________________________________ ___________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 2
RE Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
__________________________________________________ _________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 7
RE Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days
are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans.

__________________________________________________ _________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 8
RE Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks.

__________________________________________________ __________________

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date December 9
RE Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

__________________________________________________ __________________

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 10
RE Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!

__________________________________________________ __________________

FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 14
RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday
party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

Fun Competition - here's a bump for you!

Santa Joke

Santa And The Babe

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left.

Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman. "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked. Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

Win $500 Christmas Hamper from SapphicCash

Surley that's not all the Santa Jokes out there!

Keep posting those Santa Jokes for your chance to win the fantastic Christmas Feast.

Damn Kerry - Why let the secret out.

--

Looks like someone has the Christmas spirit at Santa's Porn Girls

There was a smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Clause...

They where gonna jump off a building to see who would land on the ground first...

So they all jumped at the same time, Who do you think hit the ground first?

The dumb blonde- Because there is no such thing as a smart blonde or Santa!!!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To < <mailto:[email protected]>>
[email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

Here's a good one:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

wow, nice collection of santa jokes.

What do elves learn at school?
The elf-abet

don't have a joke or pic, but sapphic rocks !

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

Christmas Santa
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

You think you got it bad.
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks,
Cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving
all night in a snow storm, damn near got killed by
a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off 'cause I got in too late.
And thats not all,
Donner & Blitzen and Rudolf got the shits over
Alburquerque and you should see my suit.
The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay
them double time.
I am sick of cookies and milk, and could vomit
. The only highball I had, is when I slipped getting
out of the sleigh.
My prostate is giving me hell, pissed my pants at
20,000 feet and froze to the seat.
Allergic to pine needles, and I itch all over.
I think my hemorrhoids are back
HO HO HO
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY ASS......

baddog is a santa....

even thoug im gonna win im gonna bump it back to page 1 from 3 lol

OK I Found One...it's not santa but it is still funny as hell ! Sam the ugliest dog !

bump for a hamper

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

'

.

A tasteless one:

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know
what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the
boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough
toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every
letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have
all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I
can smell it on your finger!"

a very rude Santa Santa Drunk

why is santa so happy and jolly all the time???

because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA WHEN...



10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!"

9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.

8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls."

7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours.

6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey.

5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar."

4. He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.

3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.

2. He replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.

1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them.

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

haha, nice contest guys

why are santa?s balls soo big? Cause he only cums once a year

What do you call Santa with no money?
St. Nickel-less

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Damn - Can't someone else help me get this to 100

Little known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.