A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the fucking car."
____________
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
____________
A guy goes to see his mistress who happens to be married.
He sneaks in through the window and notices that her husband is snoring on the bed beside her
He starts to panic but the woman says "don't worry about it, he won't hear a thing. You could pluck a hair from his ass and it wouldn't wake him"
so he plucks a hair from the husband's ass and sure enough the husband doesn't wake.
So he makes love with his mistress and after they're done, he tries to pull another hair off the husband's ass
The husband still doesn't wake up from his sleep. So he goes and humps the women again.
Everytime they finish he pulled another hair from the husband's ass. Finally after several times the husband wakes up and he says
"LOOK I don't care that you're humping my wife, just don't use my ass as a scoreboard!"
_______________________
Q - Why Can't Women play Ice Hockey?
A - because they keep changing their pads after every period.
_________________________
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's".
______________________
The Speeding Blonde
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the fucking car."
____________
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
____________
A guy goes to see his mistress who happens to be married.
He sneaks in through the window and notices that her husband is snoring on the bed beside her
He starts to panic but the woman says "don't worry about it, he won't hear a thing. You could pluck a hair from his ass and it wouldn't wake him"
so he plucks a hair from the husband's ass and sure enough the husband doesn't wake.
So he makes love with his mistress and after they're done, he tries to pull another hair off the husband's ass
The husband still doesn't wake up from his sleep. So he goes and humps the women again.
Everytime they finish he pulled another hair from the husband's ass. Finally after several times the husband wakes up and he says
"LOOK I don't care that you're humping my wife, just don't use my ass as a scoreboard!"
_______________________
Q - Why Can't Women play Ice Hockey?
A - because they keep changing their pads after every period.
_________________________
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's".
______________________
The Speeding Blonde
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
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