Time For A Joke....

that was shit

I thought I would start off simple...to give you guys a chance

I don't feel funny.

hmmm, that was a bit week

i will take a break

My head hurts.

101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Nice,but toomuch to read.

Some Adult Rhymes:

Mary now has a little lamb
--------------------------
Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb!

Jack and Jill
------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Hickory dickory dock
--------------------
Hickory dickory dock
Some bitch was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
and dumped the bitch on the next block

Mary had another lamb
-----------------------
Mary had a little lamb
You've heard that all before
But did you know
She passed her plate

Mary had a little lamb
---------------------
Mary had a little lamb
whose fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go.

But then one day the lamb was gone,
it is the worst I fear...

'Cause Mary's got a new wool shawl,
and chops to last a year.
And had a little more?

Simple and funny.

101. Is it in yet?
102. Your mum said this could be a problem
103. Your dad said this could be a problem

hahaha funny thread

104. Tried it? Honey I invented it.

105. Didn't you try that with the other guy already?

What does sex and a KFC have in common?


Once you've finished with the legs and the breasts you've got a greasy box to stick your bone in.

I loved this joke when I first heard it,


Dave goes to the pub one night, he drinks about ten pints and stays till closing time. He then walks home and finds his wife has gone to bed. So he get's undressed and quietly gets into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden he wakes up to find an old man in a beard standing at the end of the bed he looks over and sees his wife has gone.

Dave asks the old man who he is,

old man: "I'm St Peter"

Dave: "Does that mean I am dead?"

old man: "I'm afraid so, you died in your sleep"

Dave was destraught at this news,

Dave: "That means i'll never see my Wife again or my friends, isn't there anything you can do?"

old man: "well there is something, you could be reincarnated"

Dave: "That sounds ok"

old man: "Unfortunately you can only come back as a Chicken or an Elephant

Dave thinks about it for a while, and asks if he can come back as a chicken on the farm just down the road so that he can still see his family. St Peter grants his wish and then dissappears, slowly Dave feels himself changing then suddenly he finds himself on the farm in the chicken pen, Dave also has an uncomfortable feeling inside him. The rooster comes up to him,

Rooster: "hello there, you must be new around here, how are you finding it?"

Dave: " it's not too bad there's a nice view of the countryside, but i've got an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach"

Rooster: "Oh that's probably just an egg, have you laid an egg before"

Dave: "No what do I have to do?"

Rooster: "Just sit back and relax and before you know it, it will be out"

So Dave sits back and relaxes, he feels the egg coming out, when it's laid Dave gets very emotional about giving birth to a new life, he loves being a chicken. A couple of minutes later he feels another egg coming, so he sits back again and relaxes, out comes another egg, again Dave is overcome with emotion. A few minutes later he feels another egg, he sits back and starts to relax, when all of a sudden he feels a big slap round the back of his head and his wife shouts "DAVE, DAVE YOU PISSED BASTARD YOU'RE SHITTING THE BED AGAIN!!!!"

the difference between theory and reality

A boy goes to his dad and says "Dad I need help with a school project"

Dad says "ok what do you need help with"

son "I have to show the difference between theory and reality"

Dad "thats easy go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars then ask you sister if she would sleep with her math teacher for 1 million dollars then come back and tell me what they said"

son "well dad I asked and they both said yes"

Dad "Thats great we have you example"

son "huh"

Dad "In theory we are millionaire but in reality we just live with a couple of whores"

guy walks into a bar sits down orders 10 shots of whiskey bartender ask "are you expecting anybody" guys say " there for me I am celebrating" bartender asks "celebrating what?" guy "my first blow job" bartender "well let me buy you number 11" guy "not necessary if 10 don't kill the taste nothing will"

Keep tham coming!

not bad

this thread is funny

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender asks "Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there all over the place".

not so funny for me...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona, when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look, and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

The real joke is when a thread like this totally goes off the radar after a day or so...then all of a sudden, a few days later, someone drags it out again by posting on it!lol!

Nice funny thread

post more retarded jokes, please.

haha some good ones here!

A few gave me a chuckle

Hehehehe !!!!

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face. "Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." . He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Letters identified each button: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. . When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. . . He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face."What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. . . Your testicles are under your pillow.

Black humor :D
Q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.

Q: What screams and bangs on the glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.

Q: What cries and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A baby on a meathook.

Q: What's red, screams, and spins?
A: A baby in a blender.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

Q: What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone

nice jokes!

A couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your clothes off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.” The husband said, “No, not at all.” Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?” The husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”

Very funny jokes, even the long ones ! Keep it coming. We could use a good laugh from time to time !

Q: How do you know you're at a gay picnic?

A: All the hotdogs taste like shit.

Now those are just sick!

An elephant and a monkey had become good friends. While wandering through the jungle one day, the elephant fell into a deep pit. The monkey rushed to the nearest road and flagged down a Mercedes Benz. With the help of a rope, the Mercedes pulled the elephant out of ther pit.
Some time later, the monkey fell into a pit and it was the elephants turn to rescue him. The elephant just stood over the pit and dropped his dick down so that the monkey could climb out.
The moral of the story.....?































If you've got a big dick you don't need a Mercedes Benz!

HAHAH that's amazing i've gotta tell that one to a couple of people

You said it right, its fun bumping a old thread. Anyways I was getting bored. Post some new jokes in here.