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Old 11-22-2006, 08:27 PM  
fallenmuffin
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Mitch Hedberg



Sample of Jokes
  • I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience."
  • I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
  • This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
  • I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
  • I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
  • My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them
  • I like the FedEx driver, because he's drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!
  • When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.
  • They said you can swear on XM radio. No shit, 'cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too.
  • I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

Mitch Hedberg's Official Website: www.mitchhedberg.net

R.I.P Mitch

Last edited by fallenmuffin; 11-22-2006 at 08:29 PM..
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