Falling in love, jealousy/controlling, and then disaster.

Dude. You're an idiot.

Counseling is actually a very good idea. They can both learn how to grow beyond their issues and soemtimes things only come out in counseling. Just admitting you're wrong is not enough. Sorry, I just don't agree with you there.

maybe so, but at this point in their relationship it seems much too dramatic. they've only been together for a year, and they're young. they haven't ever attempted to "Fix" any of their problems, and this might be a starting point. i'd say if they continue to have problems in light of this new found understanding, then go for counseling. otherwise it is best to try and work things out between each other, instead of hopping the wagon and seeking help from other people.

Love is not trying to control. Get a dog.

Another thing to keep in mind. When she sees that you actually do trust her, she will start GIVING you more say so in her life, instead of you just "doing" it , like you have been. She will ask for your opinion and will care what you think. She will want to make decisions together with you. If she sees you controlling her, she's just going to rebel. That's how it goes man.. I've been with the same woman for 10 years, I think I know by now.

That's how the cycle seems to go.

A little over a year ago, I met this wonderful girl. She had an abstract (very independent feel to her at the time) personality she displayed as a person. It was probably one of the first things that attracted me to her (aside from her Double Ds). She was not the same as every other girl out there... she was unique. Her looks were great... baby blue eyes, cute blonde hair, nice fit body, and a gorgeous smile.

After about 3 weeks of seeing her, we decided to take it to the next level and call us an "exclusive" couple. What did this mean? Well, neither of us would see or talk to anyone else having any sexual intentions or desires.

Everything went well for the next 6 months. We were cheerful, cuddly, loving, and I had an open mind and heart.

Around month 8 I started to feel a little jealous about some things in her past that she was talking about, but said she wanted nothing more to do with them. Well, the things that got to me were old friends that she had talked to at the University while she lived in the dorms (guys and girls). So after not hanging out with them for a long time... I thought it would be a good idea for us to start fresh. I asked her to delete her AOL screen names (once used for chatting purposes w/buddy lists, etc.). I think that was mistake number 1. She did go ahead and delete about 4 of them which she had. Well, month after month I would find out she had created another (behind my back). If a person needs to hold on to their past so much... then thats what must happen I guess, but not if I'm involved.

In month 9 of our relationship, my girlfriend approached her strict Catholic parents and told them she was planning to move out of their home and into an apartment with her boyfriend (me) in June of '05. Her parents freaked out... and since that day, I have never really been welcome to their home (happened 6 months ago). Her parents are so strict, in fact, my girlfriend's curfew is 10:30pm every day of the week. She is almost 21 years old. I learned to deal with the curfew, simply because I loved her... and I tried to understand her situation with an open mind. We decided it would be a bad idea if she moved out before finishing college... because her parents would pretty much disown her, and take her car back, which would leave her with no transportation.

Pretty soon... I made sure she was in almost no contact with people from the past, since she said she had no reason to stay in touch with them. Old phone numbers from her cell were deleted (by her). I thought everything was gravy.

Today - I get an email from her saying she no longer wants to be on a leash... and talked about how unhealthy our relationship has been for so long because of my jealous accusations, controlling, name calling, etc. She says she loves me and wants us to work through things... but that I have to have trust before I love. However, she continued on telling me just how much she loved me. Also, she tells me in order to stay together I need to work on my trust. Most of this I agree with, but then again... ->

All of this is coming from the same person who has to be home @ 10:30pm M-F... who has parents that totally despise me, and someone who all of the sudden wants to get in contact with people from her past which she wanted to move on past just months ago.

The pressure our relationship experiences because of my bullshit, plus the stress her parents have caused us, and now her wanting to go back in time has just totally ripped me apart from the inside out. I have become so neurotic that its just goofy.

I do love her (regardless of the trust factor)... its just hard for us to get along these days. She wants to work through and make us last (so she says), but I think it would involve way too much sacrifice on my part. Not only would I have to stop controlling her so much, but per her request she doesn't want me asking for details of her daily life. I ask because I'm jealous, yeah, but I also like to show interest in what she does day to day.

In the past month we haven't had but maybe 4-5 good days together... and I see her maybe 3 days a week. That means not even half of the days I see her are we actually content with one another. Our phone conversations have pretty much been depleted of any excitement (she never has anything to say or is too tired to talk).

Should I ditch the situation? I do love her, but I don't want her in contact with people from her past. They are no longer her friends, and when they were, some of them did things that hurt her. Also, the stress her parents still put into the relationship (since my girlfriend still lives @ home) is just almost too much to deal with. The argueing about such things is another problem... which has caused me to raise my voice at her, call some names (knowing i really didn't mean them), and I was just a cruel person. She got bitchy and fought back too. She also called names.

I'm not looking for answers I guess... just opinions about the overall situation (not about me... I know I'm insecure right now in the relationship).

It sucks because I still love her and although everything is in turmoil right now, doesn't mean it has to be. On the other hand, if I do breakup with her... she can go back in time with people from the past (which is all of the sudden a good thing), and she would get her parents off her back, therefore making it an easier home life for her.

I'm thinking about destiny... if its meant to be, maybe she will find me in a few years. Otherwise, maybe it is time to move on.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ok, does this make you feel better. There is some constructive criticism.

I'm already using this public forum for opinions and taking them into consideration... that is consulting other people. Like I said though... I'm searching for bright/experienced opinions, not direct answers. I need to come to a conclusion about my own patheticism and make it up to the girl somehow.

Saying sorry just might not be whats best. Sorry doesn't fix things. Actions do. Change is a must.

Seriously, you are an idiot.

Asking her to remove ppl from AIM ,phone numbers from her cell.
Now, you dont understand why she created a new AIM screen name in your back? lol

Get a clue.

Next is what? you will rape her because she is not at home for 10:30?

Seriously, ask for help

that's exactly my point, you feel really good, and you should always be able to tell her that you love her, but after that, it's all over man, she realizes she has power over you and gradually it all goes to hell. I have felt what you said, as the happiest day of my life when i told a woman that i loved her and meant it, but after that it all goes downhill baby, in a relationship, one person is always at a lower level, taken advantage of, and when you acknowledge that you're under her control by saying that you love her and would do anything for her, it's over for you bro, believe me. btw are you still with that girl that you told you love, or did it all fall apart after for "different reasons"?

i never said saying sorry would do it alone. i personally said in a prior post that change is what it takes.

but seeking PROFESSIONAL help from a counselor should be a last measure, because then what you're going through now, will be branded subconsciously into both of your minds as a scar that you couldn't fix on your own. get it?

I understand what you are saying. However, what other ways in place of "I'm sorry" word wise can I say to show that "I'm sorry"... ?

" I knew I was wrong telling you blablabla long ago and it grew into a habit I was never willing to take the initiative to control myself. Never did I look at how it was actually effecting our relationship, and me in particular. I do realize I need to change RIGHT NOW or else we have no chance in the world making it another day together. "

lol, this is one funny thread and full of a bunch of pussy whipped little bitches. NEVER EVER let your woman control you or see your weakness. They will only loose respect for you and exploit it even further until ultimately ruining the relationship. Your the man act like it, don't like what shes doing tell her to change it or your leaving her sorry ass. If she doesn't change she doesn't love you and it wasn't meant to be.

this is bad advice too, heh. 21 isn't a "kid". 21 is the age in which college is nearly over for most people and real life begins. and you shouldn't give up a person you love simply for the idea that you should go on a fucking / drinking spree as if you won't be able to do it later on in life.

She said she did the last AIM screen name to see only how I would react...

how old are you anyways? Seems you still have alot to learn about the game. Controlling someone shouldn't be noticable, the true masters do it without it being known.

And you believe that? lol

Man , like everything, you need to learn how its work.
Fuck 50 of them , do the try and error trick , get some experience.
Even if you piss off 49 of them, no problems , you can always find more available.

After 50, you can only start to understand how its work for real.
You can even draw some patern you no longer want to fuck in your life.

And this concept apply for both side , girl/guy

props to galleryseek for giving such good advice

No I do not believe it... but why should I care? From what I am learning today and now realizing - doesn't matter why she has it.

If you are secure in your relationship (i.e. trust, love, and respect one another) then let her talk to, or hang with whomever she wants. Who cares. As the cliche goes, at the end of the night, she is with you.

Sounds like there are some insecurity issues on your end that you need to resolve. If you know she is the one for you, and vice versa, talking to friends, and other people should be the last of your concerns. Online, or otherwise.

By being jealous, and controlling, you forced her to start sneaking around behind your back, compomising you trust, respect, and honesty. Now you've created bigger problems.

I fear you are now destin for a lifetime of being whipped. She laid down the law and you obeyed like a good little bitch. She won't forget this power next time she wants something either. Good luck to you, but I have a feeling in a month or so you will be back telling us she dumped you for a real man.

I understand both sides of this. The problem is, you can get rid of all the people in the past... but what about unknown people of the future? Not saying there would be any... but who knows. She gives you reasons not to trust her (some might say she doesn't but I can see how she does) and at the same time, she doesn't give you reason not to trust her. It will eat away at you everyday that you cannot trust her... and she will feel suffocated.

If both of you are not happy in the relationship... take some time off to see if anything changes. If it's meant to be, it will be. You can't force a relationship to stay together when both parties aren't happy in it and/or there's issues that never reach a mutual understanding/agreement. All the best to you and her.

She is sucking black dick.