These made me laugh so I thought I would share them with you guys to help start your Monday off with a smile!!! 
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was,
but mother says I'm not."
10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little
voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was,
but mother says I'm not."
10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
That's my favorite.
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