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Webby · 06-02-2006, 06:15 PM

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Quote:

Bush Calls Up Salvation Army

Thousands of Salvation Army employees and their families expressed dismay and outrage after President Bush called up 30,000 of the 60,000 employees of The Salvation Army today for combat duty in Iraq. The Pentagon expects The Salvation Army to be in Iraq, "until things are settled", said Defense Department spokesperson Patricia Haslett. Convoys of Salvation Army workers have been in Iraq since the early days of the war in 2003. However, this is the first time that Salvation Army workers will take up arms for the cause.

The move was made to help bolster security around Iraq's borders and prevent additional insurgents from crossing into Iraq and disrupting the peace process. Critics of the decision to enlist the Salvation Army, a non-militaristic Christian organization that utilizes military terms to rank its employees, have said that The Salvation Army is ill-equipped to fight the war on terror on the front lines, instead being better suited for non-violent missionary work.

General John Gowans, speaking from Salvation Army headquarters in England said, "This is a most curious decision by President Bush. We are Christians dedicated to peace. In fact, we respect the rights of conscientious objectors. Plus, most of the 30,000 'soldiers' that Mr. Bush has called up can barely walk a mile without collapsing. These people are not prepared for war." Gowans took a long drag off of a cigarette before continuing, "We've been in Iraq doing missionary work since April 2003. Isn't that enough?"

President Bush announced the troop deployment at a press conference today at his ranch in Crawford Texas before heading off to a golf outing with several local friends. Bush stated, "All members of the active military must be prepared at all times to be asked to join in our quest to rid the world of freedom haters and evil doers. The march to a free Iraq requires sacrifice, and The Salvation Army is up to the challenge. I had an opportunity to speak with National Commander W. Todd Bassett a little earlier, and he was speechless when I told him about the call up." Mr. Bush paused a moment, and then said, "It was an inspiration to hear the tears of joy that Commander Bassett shed. The Salvation Army is in good hands under his leadership." Bush also noted that Salvation Army workers currently in Iraq doing missionary work will remain in their current roles because, "that PR stuff is important, too."

Back at Salvation Army Headquarters in Princeton NJ, reality began to set in on many of the soldiers who would be heading off to protect Iraq's dangerous borders. 61 year old retired schoolteacher Phil Grubbard was packing up his gear and preparing for deployment to basic training, which was to last 3 days at Ft. Benning, GA. Grubbard was beside himself, saying, "When I joined the Salvation Army, they told me I was a 'soldier', which I always took as kind of tongue in cheek. I mean, I headed down to Florida last year to help hand out toilet paper to hurricane victims. This Christmas I was going to be outside a Walmart in Poughkeepsie, NY ringing a bell. That's what I signed up for. I've never even held a gun in my life."

President Bush has not ruled out further deployments of typically non-military organizations such as the Sisters of Mercy and The Cub Scouts.

PS.. And for the benefit of the dumb - the above is called satire.