CDSmith

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-
work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed
below for your review.

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me
call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie
& some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off
with a Kit Kat, all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do some yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me
take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet
they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's FUCK" is illegal
from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-
to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, saggy tits, etc.
Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why
are! they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that
matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in
my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.



Thank you, from your biggest fan.

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theking

Funny stuff.

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brand0n

great shit man.

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Kassidy

Thanks for the bedtime giggle! Funniest thing I've read in a long time.

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CDSmith

See? I knew you used to love me Brando.

How soon we forget. :D

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alias

Beer is breakfast for men!

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