Best Joke You've Every Heard

[cj-design]

Whats the best joke you have ever heard?

[Undutchable]

You

[cj-design]

whatever trevor

[funkmaster]

likewhoa !!!

[funkmaster]

... ooops, sorry ... IBILL ... even funnnier !!

[JOKER]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[Thrawn$]

Someone having this in his sig!

"Today is a great day for the iraki people"

[DarkBob]

What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Woodpickle

[DarkBob]

What's green and goes oink, oink?
Porky Pickle

[JOKER]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but didn't want to spend a fortune, and certainly didn't want a pet that would cause a lot of work.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! So she bought the frog, put it into a special box and wrapped it up with a great big bow.

Naturally, the husband was extremely surprised when he opened the present. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. However, the woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "When I teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

[SothArtist]

2 Irish guys walking through a forest, come upon a sign that says 'Tree Fellers Wanted'. One turns to the other and says 'What a pity deres only 2 of us!'

[DarkBob]

What's green and goes slam, slam?
A two door pickle

[cj-design]

Originally posted by funkmaster
... ooops, sorry ... IBILL ... even funnnier !!

what? wtf are you on?

[Kat - Fast]

An Englishman, a Scot, a Welshman and and Irishman were sitting in a bar chatting when the Scot asks 'What do you reckon the fastest thing in the world is?'

They sit and think for a bit when the Englishman says 'Thought - a thought has got to be the fastest thing - you just think and it's there'
'I don't know' says the Scot 'Blinking is pretty quick - you don't even have to think about it and you've already blinked'
'Electricity is fastest' says the Welshman 'You click the button and electricity has done it's job before you can even blink'
The Irishman sits there with a frown 'You know we were all here last week, well I had about 6 pints of beer and and stopped off for a curry and another few beers. Curry is the fastest thing on Earth. I got home really pissed and before I could think, blink or turn the lights on - I shit myself'

[DarkBob]

What's green and wears a mask?
The Lone Pickle

[foe]

Whats the difference between a job and a girlfriend?

After a year, your job still sucks.

[foreverjason]

"Today is a great day for the iraki people"

lol that is funny.

[asuna]

the difference between a wife anda girlfriend? about 45pounds

[foe]

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking
for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her
breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies
"Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off
her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts
having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

[MattO]

What's green and not funny?
Jokes about pickles.

[foreverjason]

lol herpies are bad

[NetRodent]

Originally posted by MattO
What's green and not funny?
Jokes about pickles.

How about picke-related jokes?

--

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely shaken. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[bugout]

my two favorite jokes of all time:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead...

and...

There's a guy walking along the beach meditating. Suddenly he yells out, "God just give me one wish, that's is all that I ask."

Immediately a booming voice comes out of the heavens, and says, "Ok son, you have earned it. What would you like?" The guy says, I'd like you to build me a bridge to all the way to Hawaii. I love Hawaii, and that way I could go visit anytime I wanted. God says, "I can do this, but that would take a tremondous amount of infrastructure and isn't that sort of materialistic? Try and think something a little more simple and yet still honors me."

The guy thinks a long time and says, "Ok, that beautiful creation of yours, the woman, I want to understand her. I want to know what it means when she gives me the silent treatment, what she is thinking, why she changes her mind all the time. I want to understand a woman."

God says, "Would you like two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"


Bugout

[KRL]

A blind old man walks into a whorehouse. The girl at the front desk asks him "which girl do you want tonight?" The blind old man says, "lady I'm blind and old so just give me any girl you got". The girl at the front desk thinks "heck why waste one of my hoes time with this old man" and she leads him to a room with a blowup doll on the bed and says to the blind old man "your girl is already naked and on the bed, have fun".

Five minutes later the blind old man starts yellin "help help". The girl at the front desk rushes into the room and say "what's wrong?"

The blind old man says, "I don't know, all I did was nibble on her tits kind of hard, and next thing I know she farted, I heard a big woosh, and she was gone."

[Oliver Klozov]

"Making Love................. something my girlfriend does when I'm fucking her"

[titmowse]

Sam Waterston tells it better in Capricorn One but here goes:

"Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her.

One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.

Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.

On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead"!! Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.

When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well shes OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell off of the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.

"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless. John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, oh, by the way, how's Mother?

Richard then said, "well, John, shes OK, but Mothers on the roof!!"

[lagwagon]

Originally posted by Undutchable
You

[smut4all]

it's not the funniest joke but it's 3:40 am who cares:

A mother and her young son were flying British Airways from
London to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have
baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask
me that?

"The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight
attendant said,"Tell your mother it's because British Airways
always pulls out on time."

[nuclei]

LiveCam

[Aza]

i have started calling my girlfriend THRUSH.......
she is a right irritable c u n t

[Butrflied]

A guy walks into a bar ..... ouch.

[marty]

Why did the blonde return the scarf?

Because it was too tight!